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A. One of the problems here is labeling. Your son has heard you say that he is shy. When he hears this he unknowingly attempts to carry out the label that you have given him. I believe that in your desire to protect him from embarrassment you have encouraged him to act shy. Sometimes children do not know what is expected of them so they rely on hints or direct instructions from their parents for their behavioral directions. Often the parents give/send inaccurate information to their children. The child carries out the information or signal that he or she has been given, and the parent wonders why the child is responding in that manner. Parents do not always recognize what messages they have given to their children.
Your son has had seven years to interpret your messages. Somewhere along the way, directly or inadvertently, he has received the message that he is shy. He seems to be acting out the label that he has been given. Have you taught him what to do when he is introduced to someone? Try role playing the response that you would like to see him use. Use a puppet, a stuffed animal or a family member as the new person that is being introduced to your son. Pretend that you are the son and he is the parent. Let him introduce you to someone. Then you model the response that you prefer.
The next time you want to introduce him to someone, tell him what to say. Use "I" messages if he reverts to the "shy" behavior. Say, "Jack, I would be very pleased if you would say, "Good morning/evening to Mrs./Mr.X." When he has said what you want. Praise him by saying, "Thank you for using your good manners. I am very proud of you." Be more aware of thinking of, or using, any term that could be a label. A child can feel the label you have put on him even if you do not say it. Think and act as if your child can do any thing he is challenged to do. This will help any child to grow to be the best that he can be. And that should be every parent's goal.
A. Parent-Teacher Conferences are designed to give parents the opportunity to meet face-to face with their child's teacher. Conferences are a time to learn about the student's classroom experience and, generally, how they are doing in school. It is also a time for parents to share information about their child. To help students learn, teachers must know as much as they can about each child's likes and dislikes. No one knows more, or has more influence on their child than you, the parent.
Here are some suggestions that can be used to assist you in getting the most out of your next conference:
Schedule your conference at a time that is convenient for you, so that you can arrive promptly. School conferences typically last between 20 and 40 minutes, depending on the grade and school. It is important to know how much time you will have, so that you can plan your questions accordingly.
Prepare a list of questions and concerns ahead of time. Ask about your son's academic achievements, relationship with peers, self-esteem, study habits and classroom participation. Are there specific issues that are causing turmoil in your family which may affect your child's performance in school? Be sure to list your issues in their order of importance, as you may run out of time.
Talking to your son at home, before the conference, is a good idea. Keep your discussion positive and tell him how much you are looking forward to meeting his teacher. Let him know that what you learn about his progress is only a starting point in working out a plan to help him have a successful year. Children often get nervous at this time and think that only negative topics will be discussed. Ask if there is anything that he would like you to bring up during your meeting.
Be prepared to hear observations that you may not expect. Students often act differently in class than at home. One parent learned that her daughter hadn't turned in any homework on time, even though she monitored her daughter's work every night. Here is the perfect opportunity to work out a plan with your son to correct any problems in a positive manner.
When you arrive at the conference, the teacher should provide you with information about your child. Typically, at the elementary level, a folder with test results, reading and math performance levels and samples of your child's class work will be presented to you. Ask questions if you do not understand something. Test scores can often be difficult to understand, however, asking if your child is keeping up with the rest of the class may be more helpful. If you feel that the teacher is spending too much time on one particular area and you would like to move on to something else, ask politely to switch subjects. Don't hesitate to ask for an additional conference to be scheduled if you feel it is needed.
At the conclusion of your conference, convey to the teacher that you expect to work together as a team in all aspects of your child's education. Discuss what will be the best way to communicate with each other as new issues arise during the school year. When you arrive home, tell your son how much you enjoyed meeting with his teacher. Focus on the positive, and remember, that the better he feels about himself, the better he will do in school.
A. Many parents deal with the same issue of "Morning Madness" that you describe. You certainly do not want to start the day with negative feelings as your mood can effect how you do your job and how your children perform in school. Try a few of these simple suggestions and let me know if your mornings are less stressful.
1. Place a large, monthly calendar on your refrigerator or in an obvious location in your home. Have each child choose their own colored marker to write in their own activities and events for that month. Typically, elementary school activities such as library and music lessons are scheduled on the same day each week. Other activities and events vary, so write them in as soon as you know the specific dates and times. At a quick glance, your children will know what they need to bring to school each day as well as what they may need for their after-school activities.
2. Establish a routine for the evening before. This includes checking the calendar and then packing book bags with homework, library books, lunch money and anything else that is needed. At this time, clothing should be laid out along with shoes and outerwear. To encourage your children to do these things, make it a rule that activities such as watching television and playing games are only allowed after they prepare for the next day.
3. Place book bags and other items for school in clear view next to the door. If items are still left behind, hold your child responsible. Do not allow your child to search for those last minute items that should have been packed the night before. Remind them to prepare more carefully next time. The consequences for a forgotten notebook or art smock will come from their teacher. Next time the item will unlikely be forgotten.
Teaching your children to establish good routines is an important part of parenting. As adults, we know that good routines in our work and in our homes allow us to function more productively. Your children will benefit greatly from this lesson and you can say good bye to "Morning Madness".
A. There are many things you can do, but there are two which I think are particularly important: expectation and support. Let's start by illustrating the concept of expectation. A group of children, who had all been determined to be of average ability, were divided into two groups. A teacher was assigned to each group. One teacher was told that the children in her class had above average intelligence, while the other was told that her children possessed less than average ability. After the teachers worked with their classes, the two groups were tested. It was found that the group whose teacher was told her group was above average did notably better than did the other group. One teacher had expected her class to do well and the other had expected her class to do poorly. These expectations became part of the way the children viewed themselves, which then affected their performance in school.
How does this relate to your daughter? If she believes that she will do well in school, this will increase the chances that she will do well. You need to put this out to her, in different ways at different times, so that she hears it often enough to incorporate it into her view of herself.
The other part of this picture is the concept of support. The dictionary defines support as: to sustain, encourage, assist, and nourish. As your daughter meets the daily challenges of first grade, she will need to know that you are behind her, helping in whatever way she needs. This will motivate her to work hard, to justify the belief of both of you in her ability.
There are many ways to do this. Ask your daughter to tell you about her day at school, and be sure you are available to talk about whatever she wants to share. Have her show you the school work she does, and find a place in your home to display it. If the directions for a homework assignment are not clear to her, explain them to her, and review her work when she has finished.
As her skills develop, ask her to read to you, or tell you how she figured out a math problem. And, very important, praise her efforts and accomplishments. Use encouraging language. If she runs into a snag you might say: "That's a hard one, let's look at it together". Or "Good try", if she gets something wrong but was trying hard. Or "You almost got it". Avoid saying things like: "That's not the right way to do it" or "That's wrong". These statements can weaken her interest as well as her self confidence.
Getting to know her teacher and participating in school activities will also demonstrate your support for her. I hope you can see how very important you are to your child's success in school. Good luck to both of you!
A. It sounds like you are a victim of massive manipulation. Too many gifts and promises were given before your daughter did what was asked of her. Putting away the groceries was what you needed her to do. Cheesecake, chocolate and lunch were time-stallers in this game that your daughter was playing. She was also playing, "make mommy dance to my tune," and you did. If you wanted the groceries put away immediately, then that was the task. The consequences for not putting away the groceries in a specified time frame (5 or 10 minutes) could be that she would not be permitted to play or communicate with her friends.
When she procrastinates on an assigned task an appropriate consequence could be that she not be permitted to play with her friends for the same length of time that it took her to complete the assigned task. If she goes into tantrums or sulking then you could add more consequences.
If you want to maintain your role as the parent you have to follow through with the consequences. Be sure to make the consequences meaningful to the task. For every minute of procrastination two minutes will be deducted from playtime, TV, or whatever is relevant at that time, then stick to it. Parents must maintain their authority and carry out the consequences or their children will take advantage.
A. Naturally you are going to have some concerns about separating from your child as she embarks for the first time to overnight camp. She, most likely, will have concerns of her own. Since you've already agreed to let her go, there are some things that you can do before she leaves to lessen your worries.
First, assure yourself that she will be in a safe and protected environment. If possible, visit the camp and meet with the camp director and staff prior to the start of camp. Ask a lot of questions. It is important to know the camp philosophy and rules, the staff to camper ratio, staff qualifications, activities offered and services provided. Ask what p4e event that your child is injured or ill. Your child should ask questions too. She may want to know in advance what a typical daily schedule is like and whether or not she must participate in every activity. Also, she may want to know if she will she have any free time.
Gather more information by talking to other parents whose children have attended this camp. Ask very specific questions regarding what they and their children liked and disliked about the camp.
After you have the information you need and you feel confident that the camp suits your requirements, meet as a family and share your feelings. Open up the discussion to how each of you will feel regarding the separation issue. Keep in mind that most children and their parents naturally suffer some feelings of sadness when a child leaves for summer camp. Let your child know that this is normal and usually passes within a few days.
Discuss ways that you can use to communicate, either by mail or phone. Check with the camp as they may have policies on what can be sent and how many phone calls can be made. Some camps even offer email services. Don't dwell on your own apprehensions as this may give your child the message that you also expect her to feel bad. Talk enthusiastically about new experiences, focusing on the fun activities. Keep in mind that summer camp can be an exciting time for children to form friendships and memories that last a lifetime.
Your question suggests that you and your husband may be at a loss for things to do at home without your daughter. Take this opportunity for you as parents to rediscover life as a "couple". Enjoy going to non-Disney movies, the theater or romantic dinners. Just think of this time of separation as practice for when your daughter goes off to college and you're faced with the "empty nest syndrome." You may learn first hand that "Absence makes the heart grow fonder."
A. The pleasant, springtime weather reminds us that summer is just around the corner. While our kids are busy at the calendar crossing off the remaining school days and anticipating their upcoming freedom, parents are frantic with thoughts of how to fill the idle time of summer vacation.
For parents, the school year signifies structure, even with a calendar overflowing with events and activities, and parents complaining about being a taxi service. This busy structure, however, provide a sense of accomplishment and stability for parents and children alike.
Summertime can be just as fulfilling if you take some time now to plan ahead. As you begin planning, think back to your own childhood and what you enjoyed most about the summer. Include these memorable activities as much as possible. Look into what is offered by your township's department of recreation. You may find free concerts, guided tours of area parks, nature centers, museums, library programs, special events etc. Check the community guide section in your Friday's Courier Times for listings of free and reasonably priced activities in your area.
Outdoor activities naturally increase during the summer. Along with planning trips and visits, you should be sure to discuss summer safety. Always insist on helmets and protective gear while riding bikes, roller-blading and other sports. Make sure the proper rules are followed in all outdoor sports. A few minutes of precaution can prevent a trip to the hospital.
After you've investigated what's available, have a family meeting to discuss your options. Other ideas might include a back yard camp out, picnic and fishing in the park, trips to community swimming pools. Set some reading goals as well. Ask your child's teacher for a list of suggested book titles. You and your children should set some reading goals. Choose a reward for successfully reaching that goal. Limit the time your children can spend on electronics such as television, computer and video games. Monitor these activities carefully. With bedtimes often later during the summer, and in your case when you work evenings, insist that whoever is looking after your children enforce your rules.
Remember, the summertime pace should be slower and conducive to spending enjoyable, quality time with your children. It is OK to just BE! Allow unscheduled time to just be together or relax and do "nothing". Time spent without the pressure of schedules frees a child's imagination and creativity. Such times often result in the most precious memories of a summer.
A. The news of the last few weeks has brought the subject of Anthrax and biological warfare into our homes, schools and workplaces. Your son has obviously gathered some information and needs help from you to process what he has heard.
Start by admiring him for coming to you for answers and tell him you will do your best to answer his questions with the information that you have. To determine what's really on his mind, ask him what he already knows about the subject and what concerns him the most. From your question, it sounds as though he's concerned that it could affect his own family because he gets mail delivered to his own home.
Answer his questions with honest and simplistic responses. Keep in mind his young age. How much information you give also depends on your child's own temperament and personality.
Your conversation might go like this:
Parent: What exactly did you here about Anthrax?
Child: Some bad people put this powdery stuff in an envelope and mailed it and people who opened their mail got sick and some died from it.
Parent: Why are you concerned about this?
Child: We could get it in our mailbox and bring it in the house and we can all get sick and die.
Parent: You can stop worrying right now because we're safe here. Only a few people have gotten sick. Many smart people are working hard to make sure that every one in our country stays safe. Also, there is medicine that people can take to make them better if they do get sick from Anthrax. Do you have any other questions?
Child: I don't think so.
Parent: If you're ever worried about anything else, come and tell me.
It is important that children express their fears and communicate directly with their parents. It is helpful to limit their exposure to the media regarding recent events, especially younger children. When they do watch the news, try to watch with them so they can immediately ask questions about anything they might be confused about. For more information on this subject visit the American Academy of Pediatrics web site www.aap.org.
Now, two years later, my daughter will be starting kindergarten and I want her to be able to ride the bus from the first day. At the same time, I will be starting part time work and would not be able to handle it the same way again. What can I do now to help her to feel safe and to avoid the problems that I have had with her brother?
A. I have witnessed the panic that some youngsters have when they have to ride in a school bus without seat belts. Today's children have been belted into cars or other vehicles transportation vehicle since birth. I hope that the following suggestions will help you and your daughter make the transition to no seat belts when it is her turn to ride on a school bus.
* Explain that the public transportation buses do not have seat belts
* Take her on a bus ride.
* If your children are attending the same school they will probably be on the same bus. Her brother's presence may make this a safe new experience for your daughter.
* Read stories about happy experiences on school buses.
Riding on the school bus without seat belts may not affect your daughter the same way it affected your son. Only time will tell.
Note: The 'seat belts on school buses' issue has been tossed around in school districts for many years. Installation and maintenance costs seem to be the prohibitive factors.
A. First, let me say that I think you are absolutely right in not wanting to go into debt to buy everything your daughter wants. This would be bad for you and would set a poor example for her. Be honest with her. Tell her that you cannot afford to buy everything she wants, but you have another idea.
Suggest that she decide what reasonably priced toy she wants the most. Put a jar in a prominent place, and each of you put in small amounts of money until you have accumulated enough to buy the toy. Label the jar with the name of the toy and its cost. Your daughter can do small jobs around the house to earn some of the money, and you can put in whatever you are able. Count the contents of the jar regularly so you can see how much progress you are making.
I guarantee that, when you finally go to the store together to buy the toy, it will be appreciated and valued far more than a toy obtained in any other way. Even more important, your daughter will have learned lessons about earning, saving, and spending money that will be helpful to her for the rest of her life.
Secondly, develop things you and your daughter can do that will be fun and will enrich both your lives. Many of these things cost little or nothing, and the time spent together will strengthen the bond between you. Join your local library and select books for each of you. Borrow videos that you can watch together.
Take part in community events and activities. Explore museums and other places of local interest. If you have relatives nearby, see whether you can get together on a regular basis. Establish family traditions (with your extended family or just you and your daughter). I have been surprised at the details my children and grandchildren remember of our family traditions, even though they happened many years ago. As your daughter grows up, she will remember the good times you and she had together more clearly than she will remember the toys she once wanted but did not receive.
A. Parents are the first and most important teachers. You and your family will be the most influential in guiding your son to recognize that all people are human beings, and that all human beings have feelings that can be hurt by racial slurs. There are many things you can do that may help to deter this undesirable behavior before it becomes an ingrained habit, here are some ideas:
A. I am a grandmother also and the situation in my family is very much like yours, so I understand how you feel. I think it is helpful to start by looking at some of the changes in our society that are related to this overabundance. The cultural environment in which our grandchildren are growing up is very different from the one in which you and I were raised.
Today we often hear the phrases "throw away society" and "planned obsolescence". Consumers have come to accept the idea that products have a limited life and purchase new ones more often. As a people we seem to believe that "newer is better".
In addition to these societal factors, there are personal ones which seem to be moving us in the same direction. A single parent may feel guilty because her/his children are deprived of the other parent, and may try to make up for this by giving many toys. Parents who are away from home a good deal may give toys to try to make up for the time they do not have with them. A couple who marries late and has decided to have only one child wants to be sure that this child has the best and most of everything.
What can you do about all this? Grandparents often have more influence on their grandchildren than you might imagine. You can be an example for them of something different. You can buy them a special book or a subscription to an appropriate magazine they may not otherwise receive. Such gifts last long after the holiday or birthday has passed. They create opportunities to spend quality time reading and talking with your grandchildren, which is one of the greastest gifts you can give.
A. It is difficult for parents to see their children give up on something after such a short time. As parents, we make decisions for our children when they are young, and gradually teach them to make their own decisions based on reasoning and common sense. I feel that it would be wrong for you to force her to continue based solely on your interests as your daughter is at an age where she should be included in deciding what activities she wants to pursue. Your question clearly states what your reasons are for wanting your daughter to continue on with the violin, however, you have not mentioned why she wants to quit. In order to make a fair recommendation, both sides need to be heard.
Try talking to your daughter about her reasons for wanting to quit. You may be surprised to discover what her reasons are for quitting. It might be that the lesson time was during recess, or that her best friend was in a different practice group. If adjustments can be made, your daughter may decide to continue.
You may suggest that you would be willing to have her take private lessons, outside of school. She wouldn't miss any class or recess time. You may also agree to taking a year off from music lessons.
Discuss the instrument itself. Is there some other instrument she would rather play? Does she prefer chorus or theater to instrument lessons? Or does she just need a break?
If her reasons are more serious, such as she doesn't enjoy competing or her grades are falling due to the class time she misses for rehearsals, it may be wise for you to allow her to quit and support her decision.
Whatever the outcome, you need to arrive at a consensus you both can live with. She needs to feel she is taking some control of her life while realizing that you are still the parent and need to look out for her best interests. Try to reassure her that she will not be a disappointment to you if she chooses to discontinue her lessons. Your family bonds should be stronger than the desire to play, or quit, an instrument.
You don't want her to feel guilty about disappointing you. You can also let her know that she can change her mind and start up again in the future if she wants to.
A. It sounds like your son is exhibiting some of the typical behaviors of a young boy trying to become independent, and reacting to changes in his formerly secure world. It is natural for both of you to be involved in this tug of war and to need guidance. His behavior is a subtle call for guidance although he might not be able to admit it.
Communicate your feelings to him as often as possible and encourage him learn to express his feelings. When we express our feelings verbally, we are less likely to act out our anger and frustration in undesirable ways. Also, we are better able to resolve the problems. It isn't until a child's hurt feelings are out in the open, and until he knows they have been heard and accepted, that he is free to change.
Model appropriate ways for him to express his hurt or frustration, such as, "Are you feeling unloved? That's not a pleasant feeling to have - not at all." or "Talk to me about your disappointment, your irritation, your feelings. Then I'll know what they are and I'll be able to respond." Often just listening attentively with simple acknowledging comments will enable a child to come up with solutions themselves.
You mention you've had some major disruptions in your life, perhaps you can reduce his defiance and enlist his help by telling him that you know it has been difficult for him since the divorce or move or death, and you too wish it were otherwise. But that you both will have to adjust and start thinking how to make the best of your current situation. Ask him to help make up a list of what needs to be done and then let him choose which chores he can do on which days.
Children use bad or shocking language to get attention. When this happens to you, perhaps you could respond, "That language is unacceptable! I can see that you are angry, but you'll have to find another way to tell me about it." Or you could say, "When I hear language like that, I get so angry I can't hear what you are trying to tell me."
Often young children are just repeating what they hear, so even though you are careful of your language, he may hear it from others around your child, on TV, or on the school bus.
A. There are several problems here. The basketball sharing problem seems to be that your daughter did not accept the answer to her question. The question was "May I hold/play with your basketball?" That was a yes or no question. Your son chose the "no" answer, and that could have been the end of it.
I believe that it was your daughter's difficulty in accepting the negative answer which caused the confrontation. Your daughter's presence at her brother's basketball game had nothing to do with him sharing his basketball. Oftentimes parents make matters worse when they interfere with children's disagreements. Children need to learn how to settle their own disputes. This is one of life's lessons that is best learned and practiced at home.
The next issue here is how your daughter expresses her feelings. At the moment of the basketball fracas she did hate her brother. But more than that, she hated the fact that he denied her what she wanted. She needs to learn that things do not always go her way. Her stomping up the steps and slamming doors is her way of expressing her frustration at not getting her own way. It is important that she learn how to express her feelings verbally. Verbal expression will eliminate the acting out. You and your husband can help keep the peace by doing the following:
* Do not side with her when she is being opposed by her brother. It is his privilege to answer yes or no.
* Let your children resolve their own problems. Sibling rivalry escalates when parents interfere.
* Encourage and accept your children's verbal expressions of their feelings. It is better for them to say how they feel than to act out on those feelings.
* Teach both children how to vent their feelings appropriately. Slamming and stomping is a sign of frustration being acted out via temper tantrums. This is a learned behavior that is not necessarily part of pre-teen growth.
* Have consequences for rules not followed or chores that are not completed within an agreed upon time. Be sure that the consequence fits the undesirable behavior.
Recognize that the real world can be harsh. Your daughter has to learn to accept the denials and responsibilities that she will encounter in her life. She also needs to learn that rules have consequences. Your love and support will be essential while she learns these life lessons.
A. There could be a number of things going on. Does he have a quiet place to study without interruption? I would suggest you pick the right time and place to quietly ask him some important questions. Is he going through some life situation such as breaking up with a girlfriend, fighting with siblings, or does a test result have him upset? Is he eating properly and getting enough rest, or working too hard on one subject to the expense of the others? Is this a long standing pattern or something new? I would suggest a physical check up with your family doctor.
One other possibility is that he may have attention deficit disorder. Some symptoms to look for are: lack of focus, easy distractibility, twitching, jumping from project to project, interrupting others, finishing others sentences, impatience, lack of completion. That means that the first thing to do is get him professionally evaluated. A screening for educational deficits is in order, and this should be requested through the special education system of your school.
An Individual Education Plan (IEP) may be created to address these deficits. If the evaluation leads toward the diagnosis of ADD, then you and he should be referred to a specialist in this area. There is some stigma attached to this diagnosis due to the impression that too many children have received this diagnosis, but that should not deter you from pursuing the evaluation and possible treatment.
A professional will assess the level of impairment and determine the success of regular classroom interventions to help reduce the problems. In other words, there are daily behaviors that can help compensate for the disorder, instructional methods can change, and medication may be helpful. There are several new drugs on the market that are better than Ritalin. They are easier to take and focus more on the target symptoms with fewer side affects. It is important to remember that attention deficit disorder affects academic achievement, not the reverse. Your son will need a lot of your support as he goes through this diagnosis and treatment phase.
A. A timeout gets the best results when there is a need for reflecting on inappropriate behavior. If a child is asking for time to do nothing, it sounds as if he wants permission to just "be" or he needs down time.
Take a good look at your child's daily routine. Does he have most of his daily time scheduled? Also, think of what you might be saying to him during the day. Do you often ask him what he is doing when he is out of your sight? When your son is so quiet that you are concerned about what he is doing, it might be better for you to look without disturbing him rather than ask.
Parents sometime schedule a child's time so tightly that the child may feel a need to ask for time to do nothing, which may be what your son is doing. Down time is something that everyone may want to practice during this era when we are barraged by continuous activity and information.
Another thing to consider is, where does his timeout take place? Does he do timeouts in his room? If so, how is that monitored? Timeout in a room with a television, a computer, a CD player, toys or other fun stuff is a wonderful time to enjoy one's self undisturbed.
An authentic timeout means that the child must sit in an uninteresting place and think about what he or she has done wrong and even contemplate how to make amends or avoid doing that unacceptable deed again. After the timeout time, the parent and child should have a talk about the problem that caused the timeout and what the child has decided to do to prevent the problem occurring again.
Use your imagination to make the discipline fit the undesirable behavior. And remember: Any punishment that is overused will lose its purpose. There are web sites worth visiting such as the SpankOut Day USA web site at www.stophitting.com.
A. You are to be commended for regularly going to parent-teacher conferences, they are so important for learning about your child's progress in school. By participating, your child's teacher could share her concerns about his behavior with you. Here are some simple, but effective things you can do from a list we compiled for one of our parenting workshops.
Express your love for your child regularly and often. Show him and tell him everyday how much he means to you.
Write specific things you like about you child on Post-it notes, Hide them around your child's room.
Celebrate each child's uniqueness. Find something special to value and affirm, whether it's a sense of humor, computer skills, singing voice, or wonderful smile.
When your child make mistakes or bad choices, separate the deed from the doer. The choice is bad not the child.
Treat your child with respect. Listen without interrupting; talk without yelling.
When your child asks for something and you say no, try to give a reasonable explanation for your decision.
Express confidence in your child's abilities.
Encourage your child to find solutions when problems arise. Ask "Can you think of anything you could do about this?"
Involve children of all ages in family decision making.
Give your child age appropriate choices in all stages of his life.
Encourage your child to serve others. Children who recognize that they can make a difference in this world, have an incredible feeling of accomplishment and self-worth.
Building self esteem is important for all children. Most of these tips can be adapted for any age child. Self confidence leads to success all through life, keep in mind that raising a happy, self confident child is a long term process, and well worth the effort.
A. No parent is ever pleased to get that kind of call from school. Although it seems like the end of the world, it may help you to know that occasional cheating is common and usually is the result of an academic problem (i.e. he doesn't understand the math) and not a major personality flaw in your child. You need to get past your embarrassment to help your child.
When your son comes home from school, tell him that you need to talk to him about the incident. Remain calm and assure him that although you don't approve of cheating, you still love and respect him regardless of what he has done. You are likely to get more information from him if you start your conversation on a positive note. If he admits that he cheated, ask him why he had to resort to this type of behavior.
Some children feel pressured to succeed so they cheat to avoid disappointing their parents. Others feel the need to cheat to keep up with their peers and avoid embarrassment. If this is the case, discuss your own expectations for your child. Tell him that you only expect him to do his best, and you won't judge him if he fails. Start by helping him with his math homework. Offer extra help in math if he feels that he needs it. An outside tutor or extra help in school might be beneficial. Perhaps your son needs to improve on his study skills. Encourage him throughout this process.
Be certain that your son knows the consequences of cheating. Obviously, the punishment for this incident was a grade of zero on the test. Point out other consequences of cheating. For example, he won't learn the material that he may need to know for future tests. Also, he won't develop a good sense of himself as a learner if he continues to cheat.
Academic cheating is a problem that can magnify itself into other forms. Cheating on taxes, cheating in sports, or cheating at work. Any discussion on cheating needs to impress on your son that some forms of cheating have consequences far greater than a zero. College students and athletes have lost scholarships after being caught cheating. Cheating on tax reports can land you in jail. Make sure your son knows that you value him for his efforts, not for a dishonest letter grade.
A. You are absolutely right to question the safety of Trick or Treating in today's society. Think about the lessons that we teach our children all year long regarding their personal safety. We forbid them to go door-to-door to selling fund-raising products for schools and community organizations. We urge them never to talk to strangers or to accept anything from them, particularly candy. We rarely allow our children to play outdoors after dark. Why should we make an exception to all of these rules, once a year, on Oct. 31st? It doesn't make any sense and we surely send mixed messages to our children if we allow them this freedom. As a responsible parent, you need to know that your children participate in safe activities all year long. Your question tells me that you now feel uneasy about allowing your children to go Trick or Treating on their own last year. You definitely need to alter your plans for this year.
If your children are like most children, they look forward to Trick or Treating on Halloween and might get rather upset if you tell them they can't participate at all this year. I suggest that you present them with some options that they can choose from.
1. Allow them to go Trick or Treating in a group, accompanied by at least one adult. (It's much more enjoyable for several adults to go along together and socialize while taking in some good exercise.) Children should carry flashlights and wear costumes that do not restrict vision or movement. Visit only the homes that you are familiar with.
2. Leave a basket of candy on your doorstep if you want to participate with them.
3. Take your children to an area mall where store venders give out candy to children in costume. Check with the mall for dates and times.
4. Attend a Halloween party sponsored by local township recreation centers.
5. Have your own Halloween party with friends and family.
Halloween affords us yet another opportunity to be involved with our children. When planning costumes, try to discourage ones that represent violence and horror. Remember to check all candy that has been collected and discard any that is unwrapped or opened. Careful, adult supervision is the key to a safe Halloween.
A. The answer to your last question is no. Your son did ask how you were. That lets us know that he was concerned about you. Then he asked about his transportation to the party. His timing may have been off and, as I see it your injury was so painful at that moment that you felt that he should not have asked about the party at all. If you answered, "I'm OK " then he may have taken that answer to mean that you were functioning normally.
Parents have a tendency to try to protect their children by saying everything is all right when it isn't. When we do this, children have only our answers to rely on.
When you have a quiet moment together, let him know how you felt about this incident. Thank him for asking about your injury, and for showing concern. Then let him know that you were annoyed when he asked about getting to the party while you were still hurt. Give him an example of how to time his inquiries. Examples may include, "Can I do anything to help you?" or "Are you feeling well enough for me to ask you another question?"
Unless there have been a series of occasions that seem to be all about him, I don't think that you have anything to be concerned about.
Keep this episode in mind if ever you are rushing to an appointment; i.e., to catch a plane, and there is a traffic tie up. Will you ask, "Was there an accident?" "Did anyone get hurt?" "Can I be of help?" Or will you think, 'Will I get to my appointment/plane on time?'. Try to keep it all in perspective. Continue to be a good example for your son and I am sure that he will become the concerned adult that you visualize.
A. Wow, 10 years of being punished by your son is a lot. I believe that family counseling may be one of the best steps that you can take. Ask your doctor and your psychologist for some recommendations. Family counseling means that the whole family attends the sessions. All involved have to participate and do their share in trying to fix the problem. Another resource is to speak to the school counselors/psychologists etc. It seems that your son follows the school rules. Most likely the consequences for the school rules are clear. Your son has learned that if he does not obey the school's rules there will be consequences. It is very important that you stick with the rules that you and your husband set for the unacceptable behavior.
I believe this is where the problem with your son lies. The consequences for not following your rules should be appropriate. Do not give in to tears, whining or temper tantrums. You are in charge. He will not die of "rule-following". He will be a better adult when he learns to obey rules.
Supplementary note from Alice:
He could become incarcerated if he continues to disobey rules. "Tough Love" is the formula that works. Correcting this unacceptable behavior is going to take a lot of strength on your part.
You mentioned lack of respect. We tend to respect those who respect themselves. Recognize what is important here. You are in charge of your home. If your son does not respect you and your home he needs to be disciplined. Carry out the discipline that you promise. He will respect that. If the punishment fits the misbehavior then it is more meaningful.
Does he get an allowance? If the answer is 'yes' then use that allowance money to repair the damage that he has done to your home. Take care of his basic needs: food, clothing and shelter but no more allowance until the holes in the walls are repaired from his allowance money. I also recommend that you call a family meeting. (Future articles will discuss methods of conducting family meetings.)
Stand firm. Plan your rules and discipline together. You will regain your son's respect when you show that you mean what you say.
A. There is a number of things you can do. Start by having each girl pack a bag (book bags are useful for this) with the special things she would like to have for the trip: books, games, crayons and paper, favorite dolls or stuffed animals, etc. This will provide some "quiet time" that everyone will enjoy.
Next, try to plan your trip so that you can make short stops at regular intervals. Roadside rest stops are particularly good for this because the girls can run around, throw a ball, and generally release pent-up energy in ways that are fun. You could combine this with a picnic to make it even more enjoyable.
Be sure to pack simple snacks for times when you are not close to an appropriate place to eat. Things such as small boxes of raisins, animal crackers and juice boxes are nutritious, take up little space, and will not leave a mess in your car.
A car trip is a wonderful opportunity for your children to become acquainted with new cities and towns, open country and farm land, and historical sites. But they will probably need to learn to be more observant, and you can help them with this. Ask them questions about what they are seeing. What do they see that is different from what they would see at home? Would they like to live here? (Why or why not?) Share your own views, letting them know, for example, how beautiful you think a particular scene is. If you pass a historical site, talk about its significance, what they may already know about it, and what else they are now learning.
Play simple games with the twins. When I traveled with my children a game they loved was one we called "mental arithmetic." I would begin with a number; add another number; subtract another number; and (perhaps) multiply by another number, continuing until I would end with "What's the answer?" My children could have played this forever. It can obviously be adjusted for children of any age, and it will strengthen the skills they use in school. Another simple game is "I'm thinking of a word that rhymes with ...." or "I see something that is (a color, in the car, on the road, etc.)" Give clues until they guess what you see or were thinking of.
One thing I discovered on car trips with my children was that we would often talk about serious things which had not been discussed at home. Topics such as what they thought and felt about school, their friends, and their future often arose quite casually as if prompted by the relaxed atmosphere which riding in a car can bring, as well as the fact, I believe, that this was a time they could have my undivided attention. Opinions about people and events and even basic values (mine and theirs) were shared in a way that was rewarding for us all. Have a good trip!
A. Do not try to force your son to eat foods he doesn't like. This can initiate a power struggle which will make life miserable for all of you and will not help him expand his diet. Meal time should be an enjoyable experience for each family member.
I would start by eliminating or limiting your son's consumption of junk food and between meal snacks. If he is hungry at meal time he is more likely to taste something new.
Children's food needs change frequently, often in response to growth spurts. It is surprising how children can survive and be healthy on very little food when they are not growing rapidly. If you are concerned that your son is eating too little, or not getting the vitamins he needs, talk with your doctor.
Since you are an important role model, be sure that you are buying and eating a variety of healthy and appealing foods. Be creative. In the summer you can plan backyard picnics, part of which can be a plate of cut-up raw vegetables and fruits; several kinds of each, attractively presented. Offer this to everyone without comment.
When you make up your weekly shopping list, ask your son what he would like you to buy. Try to include his choices along with yours. When one of your choices (which he doesn't like) is served, allow him to fix himself something else instead (a sandwich is an easy alternative).
One way to stimulate interest in different foods is to have your son help make a new dish for a family meal. Have him look through a cookbook for ideas. He will probably want to taste what he has helped to create.
Another idea is to suggest that your son grow some vegetables in your backyard. Lettuce, for example, comes up quickly and is fun to watch grow. It is likely that your son will want to taste the results of his efforts.
If all else fails, try to be patient and let your son find his own way. Adults are seldom as picky as children if left to make their own choices and given the chance to be exposed to a variety of foods.
Supplementary note from Felicia:
My daughter attended a small elementary school where the cafeteria staff had definite rules designed to be sure that the children ate a healthy lunch. Each child was required to have "something hot and something green" each day. My daughter, who certainly qualified as a picky eater, selected corn and lettuce, each day for at least 3 years. Today she is an excellent cook who likes to experiment with new recipes and enjoys eating what she cooks.
A. It can be unnerving to deal with kids who constantly fight. It makes summer seem really long! The kids are probably recognizing their differences and they are vying for your attention. This can be difficult for your children as well as you, so let's think about some solutions.
1. When they start to fight, stop them and separate them. I would give them five to 10 minutes to calm down and think about what they were fighting over.
2. Talk to them and let them know that it is OK to disagree. Help them understand that they need to come up with a way to disagree without hurting one another's feelings. When you see a conflict begin to escalate, teach them to stop and take time out for a few minutes for a cool-down. When individuals are angry with one another, they say things they don't mean. Get them to talk about their feelings and emotions. It is a critical piece that is often ignored.
3. Use the concept of an "I" statement. An example of this is: "I feel upset when you both fight. What I need is for each of you to come up with a solution to the problem." You may need to listen to each side of their story before they can get to the problem solving stage. Let them come up with the solution - not you.
4. Reward them when they do find a solution by telling them how proud you are of them. Reward them with a compliment every time you see them playing well together. When they see themselves getting positive attention they will be less likely to go after negative attention.
5. Have a family meeting in which rules and consequences are created by parents and children. What should an appropriate consequence for fighting be? Never make the consequence one in which the children who fight get spanked. This undermines the whole idea behind stopping the fighting.
6. Set aside time for them each individually so they have your undivided time and attention during some portion of the day or week.
7. Take a look at the structure of their day for the summer. There needs to be a balance of activities and down time. Could they go to a local recreation center for part of the day? Check with your child's school to find out what is available. Another idea is to take them to your local library for some quiet time to read or to use the computer. If fun time can be spent together doing things they both enjoy then their disagreements will be less volatile.
8. Take care of yourself. When you are calm and centered, the children will be less likely to create chaos in the household. They often respond to our stress by creating more stress.
Good Luck and have a great summer!
A. I believe that you can never give too much praise. It may be how you are praising that is causing the confusion. When your children come to you with a creation and you look at it quickly and say, "That's beautiful" your child may feel that you have not really seen this creation. Your quick response could cause them to think, "Mom always says that. She doesn't even look at it." That could be the resentment that you are seeing.
The next time one of your children shows you a creation try describing what you see. For example your child has made a panorama of a 'Green Eggs And Ham" scene. Describe the scene ("That looks just like Sam-I-Am. I like the way you made the boat and all the characters in the story.")
A young child's scribble could be described as "Look how you made these red lines go up and the green lines cross over them. I'm really impressed. " When you describe what you see the child knows that you have really looked at the project. When you say, "That's wonderful" the child is not quite sure that you have actually seen it. Your children will feel happier about the way you look at their accomplishments as you become more skilled at describing. I believe that you will benefit from their satisfaction.
Here's an example of praising by describing a cleaned up room. "This room looks great. I love the way you lined up all of your dolls (or trucks) on the shelf. You not only put the LEGO's back in their box but you also put the box back in the closest." You can also talk about your feelings. "It makes me feel so proud of you when you do such a good job."
For more information on the value of descriptive praise, see the chapter on Praise in Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish's award winning book, "How To Talk so Kids Will Listen And Listen So Kids Will Talk".
Also, remember to let your children know when they are doing something that you appreciate. It's easy for parents to express disapproval. It is important that parents remember to praise good behavior. Pay extra special attention when your children do something without being reminded. Let them know with a "Thank you for doing that." or "That was very thoughtful of you." There is a lot of truth in the proverb, "You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar."
A. Teasing or harassing smaller or younger children whether verbally, emotionally or physically is bullying and is a serious problem. It can cause great distress and suffering into adulthood and is not merely "normal childhood behavior". Often children who are victims of bullies feel vulnerable and powerless and can end up believing they somehow deserve to be bullied.
If you suspect your child is being bullied, talk openly with him, and listen attentively. Encourage him to share information about what goes on in school and on the bus. Also, listen to his conversations with other children. You can learn a lot from these. Children who are bullied are often afraid to talk about what is happening. Reassure him that the bullying is not his fault. Keep telling your son that you love him very much and want to help and support him whatever his problem. Take whatever your child says seriously and keep track of the incidence. This way you can show school officials that a pattern may be developing. Reassure your child that you will help him solve his problem. Don't dismiss it with "boys will be boys" or "you just have to learn to stand up for yourself".
Explain that reacting to bullies by crying or becoming upset only encourages them. Often if bullies can't goad the victim into a response they'll get bored. You can practice with your child saying "no" very firmly and walking away. Or help your son think up simple responses to the bully's most frequent taunts. It is hard for the bully to continue bullying if the victim doesn't get upset and walks away.
If the bully threatens your child to get money or possessions, tell your son that he should give up whatever the bully wants. Keeping safe is more important than keeping his possessions. Afterwards he can tell you or his teacher about the incident. Never encourage him to fight back. Bullies almost always pick on smaller, weaker individuals and he could get seriously hurt.
To build up his self esteem and confidence, give him plenty of praise and affection. Make opportunities for him to do well, give him responsibilities, tasks he can easily do and praise him when he carries them out. This helps make him feel valued and important. You could make a "feel good" poster - put a happy photo of your son on a piece of paper. Around it write down some of the pleasant things people have said about him, together with some of his successes. Put it on the refrigerator or someplace he can see it every day. Make time to sit and talk with him about his feelings and ideas and always reassure him of your unconditional love.
Some children become victims of bullies because they don't know how to talk or play with other children. You can help them to learn social skills by role-playing. You can also invite other children over and plan or supervise games or activities, particularly something your child is good at.
A confident, resourceful child, who has friends is much happier and less likely to be bullied.
A. It sounds as if you both are trying to do what's best for your children and your husband is very generous to want to offer them so many options. However, one thing that you didn't mention in your question is how each of your sons feel about their active schedules. Each child is different and depending upon their age, temperament, and interests they may be capable of carrying very different loads.
My suggestion to you is to first observe each of your sons. Do they seem to enjoy each activity? Are they tired or complaining that they do not want to go? Are they struggling to keep up with their homework? Are they competing too much with each other? Take note of each child carefully.
Next, sit down with each child and have an open and honest dialog with him about how he truly feels about his activities. You may be surprised to find out that he only plays baseball because Dad coaches and he doesn't want to disappoint Dad. Assure your child that it's all right to stop an activity in this case and that you are still proud of him.
Make changes slowly. Reduce the music lessons to every other week instead of weekly. Play local soccer instead of playing on a traveling team. These small changes allow for more down time without giving up an activity that the child really enjoys.
Explain to your sons that it's fine to try activities and see which ones they prefer. Elementary schools offer wonderful opportunities in the way of after school programs where students can play sports or engage in other activities at reasonable rates and for shorter periods of time. Local townships also offer these types of programs. Explain that not everyone can be an expert at everything and that it's better to choose a few to learn well.
And last but not least, try not to overburden yourselves, time-wise and financially, as parents. You don't want to run so much that you begin to resent your children. Quality participation is far more important than quantity. Three children going to different activities takes a lot of time and energy. Plan some quiet time and some weekend activities that everyone can enjoy at a reasonable pace. Also try to schedule some time together as a couple. Taking a break now and then is good for you both and well deserved.
A. Your daughter will have many friends during her lifetime, but only two parents. Although parents and friends are similar in some ways (both offer caring and companionship, for example), their roles are quite different in others. Two important responsibilities of parents which are not shared by friends are teaching and setting limits.
A good way to teach a child the age of your daughter (and as she grows older) is to share experiences and ideas with her.
Family experiences can be of many kinds, from visiting a cultural or historical site near your home to taking a vacation to new parts of the country; from reading a book or newspaper to watching TV news or a special TV program, to name just a few. Talk with you daughter about what you and she are seeing or reading. What does each of you find most interesting? What did you both already know? Would either of you like to learn more about this? Why or why not? Newspaper editorials offer particularly good topics for discussion because they have a point of view which can be identified and examined. And, finally, share everyday events at home, school, and work. What happened? Why might the person have acted as he did? Would either of you act the same way in this situation?
Setting limits is more difficult, but it can be made easier if you are talking, sharing, and showing respect for each other. If your daughter hasn't started yet, she soon will be expecting to make many decisions on her own. Listen to her views. If hers are different from yours in areas that you consider important, and you can't find a middle ground, let her know that it is your responsibility as her parent to make decisions in her best interest, such as ways to protect from unsafe situations and from those she would not be able to control (a party in your house when you are away, for example). Decisions may need to be made about such things as when and where she can hang out with her friends; use of the family car (when she reaches that age); and what time you expect her to be home. There must be negative consequences if she does not follow the rules.
Young adults have been asked how they felt about limits which were imposed on them when they were younger. A majority said that they could now appreciate what their parents did because it showed that they cared about them. An absence of limits was viewed as evidence that their parents didn't really care what happened to them.
Your daughter is on the verge of physical and emotional changes which can make family life difficult. She needs her parents now as much as she ever has. Sharing, listening, respecting, and setting reasonable limits can help. Good luck!
A. It is so hard on our children when they are being teased, but it is traumatic to them when they are being attacked because of their race or ethnicity. Racism is not something a school should tolerate. It needs to be addressed as soon as possible, but the first thing I would do is sit down with your daughter and ask her how she felt when she saw the graffiti. Get her to talk about her feelings; her anger, hurt, etc. She needs to be reassured that she is worthy, respected and loved for who she is. You can use this as an opportunity to explain to her that injustice exists in our world, and it is not fair. But many people are working to change that.
The next step should be to get in touch with her teacher and the school administrator so that they are informed about the incident. The school can then address the teasing and the desk graffiti in an appropriate manner.
Then I would suggest bringing your daughter, teacher and administrator together to brainstorm ways of addressing the problem. It is important to give your daughter an opportunity to look at how the problem can be solved. This can be empowering for her... something that every victim needs. This will also go a long way in restoring her trust in her school.
I would also suggest to the teacher that she do group problem-solving with the class. The more we problem-solve controversial issues like race relations as a group, the more we empower our young people to think creatively and better understand racism. They learn empathy as well. Another great tool to use in a classroom is a video titled "A Class Divided".
I am a big advocate for multicultural education in the classroom...activities and lessons to learn more about other cultures. Our ignorance of differences can turn into fear, and fear can turn into hurting others. This should be a concern for all of us, because racism hurts everyone.
A. So many parents deal with this same issue particularly at the start of the school year. You certainly do not want to start the day with negative feelings as this could effect how you do your job and how your children perform in school. To start your day in a more positive way, establish a routine by trying these few simple solutions.
1. Place a large, monthly calendar on your refrigerator or in an obvious location in your home. Have each child choose their own colored marker to write in their own special activities for that week. Typically, elementary school activities such as library and music lessons are scheduled on the same day each week. At a quick glance, your children will know what they need to bring to school each day; for example, a book for library and a violin for music lessons.
2. Establish a routine for the evening before. This includes checking the calendar and then packing book bags with homework, books, lunch money and any thing else that is needed. At this time, clothing should also be laid out as well as shoes and outerwear. To encourage your children to do these things, make it a rule that activities such as watching television and playing games are allowed after they prepare for the next day.
3. Place book bags and other items for school in clear view next to the front door. If items are still left behind, hold your child responsible. Don't allow him or her to search for those last minute items. You should resist the urge to drive them to school. Make it a rule that only important items such as medication or eyeglasses might be brought to school by you. Remind them to prepare more carefully next time. The consequences for a forgotten notebook or an art smock will come from the teacher. Next time the item is unlikely to be forgotten.
Teaching your children to establish good routines is an important part of parenting. As adults, we know that routines in our work and in our home lives allow us to function more productively. The way we start our morning sets the tone for the rest of the day.
A. You are so right about homework being your child's responsibility. I hope that she has had a physical examination within the past year. The following ideas should help you if there are no physical problems/abnormalities.
Find a time when you are both calm and not distracted to discuss your concerns with her. Discussion means sharing both of your concerns. Begin your discussion with "I" messages: i.e., "I am concerned about you and your homework " OR "I don't like it when you do not get your homework finished".
REALLY LISTEN to her side of the homework story. Encourage her to tell you more. Take notes if necessary to avoid criticizing, advising, dictating, etc. When she has told you everything that bothers her about doing her homework put together a "Doing Homework Plan". This is to be created together, not dictated by the parent. Work hard at including What, When, Where and Consequences in this "Doing Homework Plan".
WHAT involves the "tools" needed - Homework tools should be kept altogether. A shoe box is a good place to keep all homework tools such as: sharpened pencils, a small ruler, eraser, scissors, stapler, tape, crayons, etc. (This eliminates the need to get up and go get the .......)
WHERE - Agree upon a room that has few distractions. Turn off the closest television or choose a place where the television view is unavailable and the sound is too low to be a distraction. Some children work better if there is music in the background. Keep the volume low.
WHEN - It's best if the Homework time is a mutually agreed upon time. Some children need a snack or some physical activity or a rest period right after school. Recognize your child's needs. This may take some creative planning on your part especially if you work outside of the home and/or have more than one school-aged child.
CONSEQUENCES - Plan together what the consequences for not doing the homework should be. Suggestions: no television, no telephoning, no extra curricular activities. Whatever consequences are agreed upon they must be strictly adhered to ...be strong. It does not help to give into whining, pleading etc. Rules are rules. Be tough. It pays off in the long run.
Start homework with the subject that is her most difficult subject. Use a timer to challenge her to complete small portions at a time. Plan short (2 minute) breaks every 15 minutes especially with this least favorite subject. Save her favorite subject for last.
Offer help when there is obvious frustration and/or day dreaming. When you are helping have her explain the directions and teach the assignment to you.
Try to remain nearby. Save a project of your own to do, i.e., reading, sewing, a cross word puzzle or art project or just rock the baby. Help her to do the homework herself with the understanding that you will help but it is her responsibility. If all else fails she will have to suffer the school consequences.
Our children's job is to do their best in school. Taking on their own responsibilities is preparing them for their life long job of being a responsible citizen and parent. Happy Parenting!
A. Your concern for your child's safety versus his request for autonomy and independence is an issue that all parents must deal with throughout their children's lives. Parents set physical boundaries in their homes as toddlers learn to walk and explore the house. Safety gates confine safe areas for children to play and unsafe items, such as matches and medicines are stored out of reach. As the child grows, and trust is developed, restrictions are removed and these boundaries are expanded.
In the case of your nine year-old son, you, certainly, are the expert in how this young individual has respected his boundaries so far. Talk to him about the games and the specific area to be played in. What are the safety issues? Will he be crossing any streets? Will he be playing in a group or alone? Take a walk and explore the area and discuss the activity. If you feel comfortable with the situation, set time limits and boundaries that are acceptable to you. Explain to your son that you may check on him from time to time. Have him wear a watch so that he knows when to return home. As he abides by your rules, offer praise about how responsible he is becoming.
If he becomes lax and disobeys the rules, go back to square one. Don't allow for any excuses such as, 'I forgot my watch' or 'my friends said I had to stay out late.' Simply explain that you and he had agreed upon specific rules and because he didn't comply, he'll need to stay close to home for the time being and that you'll try again in the future.
Ultimately, the parent has the final say in the limits set. Be mindful not to cave into peer pressure, his or yours. Some parents may pressure you to let him go, or say that you are being overprotective, when in reality, they may be using poor judgment. Stand your ground. Show your child that you make your own decisions based on values and limits that are right for you and your family. This will lay a strong foundation for a future of good decision making for your child.
A. This is a problem so many working parents face. You need to determine what will work best in your situation. I would ask myself these questions first:
How does your younger child feel about having his older sibling looking after him? How do your children handle responsibility? Do you have a trusting relationship with them? Do they have chores that they follow through with doing? Do they come home when they are supposed to? How much fighting goes on between the two of them, and how do they resolve their conflicts? Do you have a plan for your family on how to handle emergencies such as fire, break-in's or what to do if there is an accident in the home?
Once you have answered these questions honestly, and if you feel comfortable leaving them alone, I would recommend leaving them for only part of the day. Structure their day as much as possible. Make arrangements for the children to participate in a half-day camp program or swim lessons, or have a sitter come in for part of the day, or have them spend part of the day with a neighbor or friend. Also, keep in close contact by phone. Have them call you when they wake and check in with you throughout the day. Have them do chores to help take care of the home. Discuss the amount of time they could spend watching TV or logging onto the internet. Make sure they do not watch programs or log onto sites you wouldn't normally approve of.
Children need to play with friends their own age; however, children in the home unsupervised is an invitation for problems. This can be one of your biggest concerns. Make sure there is an opportunity for them to play at a friends house or invite friends over only when there is adult supervision. Don't forget to have your house rules posted in a prominent place with all the important phone numbers.
When you get home, spend time talking about their day and having dinner together. It is important to always stay connected to your kids, and mealtime can be a great time to discuss all kinds of concerns.
Our children need to feel safe, loved, nurtured and trusted. Adult supervision is always the safest route to go. You will be able to focus on your work, and ultimately your kids will benefit. Good Luck!