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A. It is often hard for a child to enter a new school, and middle school may be the most difficult. Being ignored in any situation makes a person feel that there is something wrong with them, which in turn, makes it harder to become part of the new environment. Her identification of the problem is most likely correct. Children at this age tend to carry over friendships from earlier years and thus may not readily make the effort to develop new relationships. The fact that your daughter has already discovered this should help her to see that there is, in fact, nothing wrong with her.
You can help by spending time with your daughter. Listen to her. Let her know that you understand what she is facing and how she is feeling. Encourage family activities. She needs to know that she is valued and supported at home, even if this is not the case at school. After all, her family will be there for her long after she has lost contact with most of her schoolmates.
Encourage her to be friendly. Although this may be difficult, it is important, since others are not reaching out to her. If she speaks to others in her classes and homeroom, it is likely that at least one person will respond. Once this happens, it will become easier for her to reach out to others. Particpating in school activities she likes such as music, athletics, or clubs would have several advantages. She will be sharing her interest with others who enjoy the same thing. The common ground helps the group members get to know each other. She will also be learning or improving a skill. Being involved in an activity and getting to know some people will make her feel more positive about her new school.
Are there a volunteer opportunities for her in your new community? Making this a family activity would be even better. There is nothing like helping others to help us see our own lives in a different way. The experience could even be the beginning of new interests and friendships which could last well into the future.
A. Make sure your son understands why you don't want him to watch violence. If he chooses to watch it at his friends, let him know you disapprove. Ask him questions about the movie or video game, and find out what he liked or did not like about it. This opens up the opportunity for a discussion between the two of you.
With the recent world events it is important not to become desensitized to the value of human life. Sometimes it is difficult for children to distinguish between what is real and what is not. Replaying of violent TV movies and video games can create misconceptions about the permanent consequences of violent behavior.
Talk with your son about his feelings when you hear about a crisis or a conflict in the news. Encourage him to join kids who are doing lots of healthy activities such as soccer, basketball and swimming. Youth groups at church often have group activities , or have him join a community center or gym. Some schools have after-school activities offering peer mediator clubs, environmental or multicultural clubs.
Have your son invite his friends over to your house and provide activities such as ping-pong, air-hockey, volleyball or basketball. Make sure his friends feel welcome at your home and provide some snacks. Set up guidelines you feel comfortable with such as scheduling times friends can be there and the volume of the music.
The bottom line is this: try to balance out the negative with as much positive as possible!
A. Many parents experience the same problem: We don't want to yell, yet we end up yelling. It doesn't accomplish our goal, which is to have our children listen to what it is we are saying and respond accordingly. We tend to think that if we yell loud enough, we will be heard.
Try to think about it from this perspective: if your spouse came home and started yelling at you, how would you feel? How would you respond? Would you immediately do what he wanted?
Children are no different. You won't get what you want by shouting, putting them down, or bullying them. As you have noticed, these tactics don't work, yet we keep using them anyway. If all children hear is the same loud tone over and over again, they just tune us out!
Remember, you are your son's first role model. When speaking, use a calm, respectful tone. and keep these questions in mind:
* Is what I am asking reasonable?
* Are my expectations set too high?
* Do I really need things done exactly like I would do them?
* When I don't feel heard or listened to, what does that trigger in me?
* When responsibilities are not honored, do I have appropriate consequences in place and use them consistently?
A good way to begin is by acknowledging that change is needed. Then you can start working on a new relationship by trying some of the following suggestions:
* Have a family meeting. Apologize for always yelling, and !et the family know that you do not want any more yelling in the house. Ask everyone to agree to make a fresh start and brainstorm some "family rules".
* Discuss how requests and responsibilities will be handled. Be sure that your son understands that appropriate consequences are a part of life. Assure him you will be consistent in applying them.
* Regular family meetings can address problems and avoid a build-up to a blow-up.
* Should you still find yourself ready to yell and scream, take a time-out for yourself until you are ready to deal with it calmly.
We need to be able to be good listeners if we want to be listened to. By listening to your son speak about his upsets and issues, without judging or commenting on them, you open up your communication lines. By treating him with respect when you are talking to him, you become a better role model for him.
Having worked with many "at-risk" children, I've learned that they respond best to respect, kindness and firm boundaries. Model for them the way you wish to be treated, and commit the screaming shrew to history.
A. It is often hard for a child to enter a new school, and middle school may be the most difficult. Being ignored in any situation makes a person feel that there is something wrong with them, which in turn, makes it harder to become part of the new environment. Her identification of the problem is most likely correct. Children at this age tend to carry over friendships from earlier years and thus may not readily make the effort to develop new relationships. The fact that your daughter has already discovered this should help her to see that there is, in fact, nothing wrong with her.
You can help by spending time with your daughter. Listen to her. Let her know that you understand what she is facing and how she is feeling. Encourage family activities. She needs to know that she is valued and supported at home, even if this is not the case at school. After all, her family will be there for her long after she has lost contact with most of her schoolmates.
Encourage her to be friendly. Although this may be difficult, it is important, since others are not reaching out to her. If she speaks to others in her classes and homeroom, it is likely that at least one person will respond. Once this happens, it will become easier for her to reach out to others.
Joining a school activity such as music, athletics, a club, or whatever appeals to her would have several advantages. It is easier to get to know people in a small group. She will be sharing her interest with others who enjoy the same thing. The common ground helps the group members get to know each other. She will also be learning or improving a skill. Being involved in an activity and getting to know some people will make her feel more positive about her new school.
Is there a volunteer opportunity for her in your community? Making this a family activity would be even better. There is nothing like helping others to help us see our own lives in a different way. And who knows, the experience could even be the beginning of new interests and friendships which could last well into the future.
A. This situation is found in many families. Since you indicated how you feel, let's start there. Get your sons together and talk about their reactions to the situations you described. How does your older son feel when his brother constantly follows him around? How does he think his brother feels? Then ask your younger son to tell how he feels when he tries to keep up with his brother but is rebuffed. Very often, when we are completely involved in something, we do not think about the effect our actions have on others. Just having the boys share their different perspectives on the same situation may be the start of a better relationship between them.
Next, try to determine your younger son's interests and abilities. What does he like to do in his spare time? What does his teacher have to say about this? What do you observe, and what does he talk about when he is with you? You mentioned that you think he has artistic ability. Has he demonstrated this at home? Once you have learned more about what he likes to do, give him all the support you can. Praise him for his efforts. Let him know that you think what he does is important. Are there groups or classes in your community that relate to his interest? If so, see if you can arrange to have him participate in one of them.
Families that are successful in dealing with differences of this sort often exhibit a sense of "family pride". The family members are genuinely proud of each other, and celebrate individual successes together. (They constitute an informal "cheering section" for each other). They recognize that each person contributes something important to the functioning of the whole. Think about how you might begin to develop this spirit in your family.
A. I often hear that so many young girls have issues regarding weight and body image. This comes as no surprise, however, as we live in a society where the media places a strong emphasis on "thin" as being the "ideal". As a result of this, girls even younger than your daughter have been diagnosed with eating disorders. As a mother, you cannot shelter your daughter from all of these unnatural expectations, but you can influence her to feel comfortable in her own body and respond positively to what she encounters in her life.
Start by getting in touch with how you are affected by some of the same issues. Do you compare yourself to other women? Do you make negative comments such as "I look too fat in these jeans." or "This cake will go straight to my hips."? If you do, try to redirect your phrases to be more positive and reflect health or nurturing issues. Remember that you are a role model to your daughter. She watches you and hears what you say. Ultimately, your positive influence and responses will be reflected in how she feels about herself.
Conversation between yourself and your daughter is very important. When your daughter says she's fat, ask her why she thinks so. Did someone at school tell her that she was fat? Explain that people come in all shapes and sizes and should be judged for who they are and what they do, rather than what they look like. Take the opportunity to answer all of her questions honestly. This might be a good opportunity to discuss the changes that her body will make as she enters puberty. When a young girl feels comfortable about her own body, she will feel free to voice her own opinions, ignore negative peer pressure and make good decisions.
Involving girls in physical activities and sports reminds them that their bodies can be used in strong, positive, and healthy ways. Encourage her to find an activity that she enjoys. Lead her to good role models. Interview or observe her coaches and instructors so you are certain that they will aid in building your daughter's self esteem and not bring it down. I recommend two excellent books on this subject. "Celebrating Girls" by Virginia Beane Rutter and "Reviving Ophelia" by Mary Pipher.
A. There certainly is a lot of stress among parents and kids about getting good grades. In some countries, it is to the point that many kids feel they are a failure by the time they reach eleven.
It is important to put the whole issue into perspective. It is fine to be highly motivated, but there is a difference between the will to do well and the obsession to be perfect. That is where you need to listen to both yourself and your child to determine which situation is driving him.
Are you unconsciously giving out signals that pressure is good, or are you the driving force? Maybe something else is making your child unhappy and he is obsessing about schoolwork to avoid other issues. If it were a driving force, I would point out that no one achievement determines whether a student gets into the college of his choice.
There are hundreds of excellent colleges out there that offer great programs but are not on the top 20 list. Society puts an enormous premium on expectations and performance and many times the student cannot handle the pressure.
I would ask myself: what is motivating his actions? Is it getting into college? Is it trying to prove some point? Is it trying to avoid some other issue? Is it trying to please others in hopes of a reward? Child psychologists find that the stress leads to symptoms just as intense as those of adults, but without the appropriate outlets.
Sit down with your son and see what is motivating him, and try to create a realistic expectation of what he can accomplish. I would ask your son, "Do you think this is your best effort, not whether it is perfect." The important goal is to seek knowledge, not to feel driven to get the perfect grade. This means stopping perfectionist behavior in all activities, not just school work.
Your ability to listen and support your son will help him to plan for his future in a realistic way. He may be very scared and facing the issue squarely may be just the remedy called for.
A. The most critical role a parent can play in a child's life is to teach them to make responsible choices on their own. As parents we often feel the need to protect our children by making choices for them based on our own values, beliefs, and judgments. Your son is now at an age where you need to empower him to be responsible for his own choices. It is important to communicate and build a relationship of mutual respect and trust.
Adolescence is a time when young people begin to create an identity for themselves and try to discover who they are and where they fit in. They can be strongly influenced by their peers, and the images they are exposed to in the media or music videos and what they perceive to be "cool".
My advice to you is to include your son in this decision and to use this opportunity as a teachable moment in your son's life. Your guidance is extremely important in helping him to explore the results and consequences of his choices based on understanding and awareness before the decision is made. It is also important to be honest about your feelings and share them with your son.
When my son asked to have his ear pierced, I asked him to explain to me why. I encouraged him to base his decision on what was best for him and how this would affect him and not to make decisions based on what other people were doing. I also wanted him. to understand that although he thought it would be "cool" to have an earring, others might not share his view. I do not want my son to make decisions based on what other people think or be influenced by their judgment of him; however I do want him to be aware that this judgment exists.
This awareness will then give him the confidence and self esteem to be able to handle the opposing views that some people may have regarding this issue. I suggested he interview adults he respected as well as some of his friends to see how they responded. He was quite surprised by the responses he got and he was not prepared for some of their negative opinions. Their views and opinions were not to influence his decision but to make him aware of the prejudice or judgment he might encounter. This was a valuable learning experience for him.
I was prepared to let my son decide for himself what would be the best decision for him. My goal is that he will feel confident in making a responsible choice and that he will feel comfortable asking me for advice and guidance.
A. Teasing, contrary to recent newspaper articles, is not a healthy activity. Statements can be very hurtful even when they were intended to be just teasing. What is the teaser getting out of making negative comments about others? Is the teasing just being directed to one or two specific students, and what is the nature of the comments? Are the targets friends or strangers as well? Answers to these questions will come to you as you read "between the lines" with your daughter.
Consider what kind of signals your daughter might be giving out. Is she encouraging these hurtful statements or is she sending out unintentional signals that it is OK to be teased? Clearly a child who lacks self-esteem may react in a way that may reinforce more teasing, or she may refuse to say STOP because she feels that she will not be "one of the gang." The point is to not let this activity continue. Get involved with your child right away; the sooner the better, before the teasing becomes a part of your childıs self image. Teasing is not funny and needs to be addressed as soon as possible.
This means sitting down with your daughter and gently asking a number of questions to understand the depth of the problem. What is she being teased about? Is it her appearance, intelligence, or her behavior? Also, how long has she been subjected to the teasing? If you have had to pull this information out, then the communication link needs to be improved and the best way is practice. The point is not to be judgmental, and to brainstorm with her direct ways she can remove herself from being the target.
This problem may force you and her to be really objective about image and behavior. You donıt have to become a child psychologist to understand the problem, but you do have to open the lines of communication and follow up later on to see if the situation is improving. One resource is "Bullies and Victims: Helping Your Child through the Schoolyard Battlefield" by SuEllen Fried and Paula Fried NY: M. Evans and Company, 1996. Another is "Bullying at School: What We Know and What We Can Do", by Dan Olweus, Cambridge, MA, Blackwell Publishers, 1993
A. Dear Almost 13, I empathize with your concern about having your own key. It can be scary if you cannot get in and you are worried about your mother's health. Recognize that your sister was allowed to have her own door key when she was 13 not when she was almost 13. There will be other times when you will have to be a certain age before you get certain privileges. Teenagers have to be 16 before they get their drivers learner's permit. People have to be 18 before they can vote. Seniors have to wait until they are 55 or older to get senior discounts. So you see, we all have to wait until we arrive at a certain age before we have certain privileges.
Let's look at a few family things. Your sister is still the oldest of your siblings at home. Her position in the family helped to earn her the right to have her own key. She may have also shown some type of leadership at 13 which helped your mother to recognize that she could handle certain responsibilities. Your position in the family and your mature, responsible behavior will also help you to achieve certain privileges and responsibilities.
Meanwhile, it will be to your advantage to continue to show your mother that you are a responsible, trustworthy person. This can be done by successfully completing home and school assignments, by recognizing and doing household tasks without being reminded and by being polite, respectable and understanding.
I suggest that you discuss your concerns with your mother. Let her know how you feel when no one answers the telephone. You said that her health slows her down. Could it be that she was unable to get to the phone fast enough to answer it? It's important that you leave a message when you telephone so that your mom knows that you called and where you are. It is very important that you continue to keep the lines of communication open between you and your mother. When you share with each other remember to also share positive and successful experiences as well as your concerns. Moms were teenagers once and they can relate to almost everything that you are experiencing. I am sure, that when your mom recognizes your anxieties, the two of you will work out mutually, satisfactory solutions to your desire to have a key.
In the mean time enjoy your pre- teen years. You will be taking on additional responsibilities soon enough.
A. Parent-teacher conferences are designed to give parents the opportunity to meet face-to-face with their child's teacher. Conferences are a time to learn about the student's classroom experience and, generally, how they are doing in school. It is also a time for parents to share information about their child. To help students learn, teachers must know as much as they can about each child's likes and dislikes. No one knows more about these things, or has more influence on their child than you, the parents.
Schedule your conference at a time that is convenient for you, so that you can arrive promptly. School conferences typically last about 20 minutes depending on the grade and school. It is important to know how much time you will have, so that you can plan your questions accordingly.
Prepare a list of questions and concerns ahead of time. Topics usually include your child's academic achievements, relationship with peers, self-esteem, study habits and classroom participation. You may also need to include specific issues such as health concerns, divorce or a recent death in the family. Circumstances, such as these, may affect your child's performance in school. Prioritize your issues, in their order of importance, as you may run out of time.
Talking to your child at home before the conference is a good idea. Keep your discussion positive and tell them how much you are looking forward to meeting their teacher. Let your child know that what you learn about their progress is only a starting point in working out a plan to help them have a successful year. Children often get nervous at this time and think that only negative topics will be discussed. Ask if there is anything that they would like you to bring up during your meeting.
Be prepared to hear observations that you may not expect. Students often act differently in class than at home. One parent learned that her son was chronically cheating on spelling tests, and another, that her daughter hadn't turned in any homework on time, even though she monitored her daughter's work every night. Here is the perfect opportunity to work out a plan with your child and his teacher to correct the problem in a positive manner.
When you arrive at the conference, the teacher should provide you with information about your child. Typically, at the elementary level, a folder with test results, reading and math performance levels and samples of your child's class work will be presented to you. Ask questions if you do not understand something. Test scores can often be difficult to understand. However, asking if your child is keeping up with the rest of the class may be more helpful. If you feel that the teacher is spending too much time on one particular area and you would like to move on to something else, ask politely to switch subjects. Additional conference time can be scheduled at a later date if necessary.
At the conclusion of your conference, convey to the teacher that you expect to work together as a team in all aspects of your child's education. Discuss what will be the best way to communicate with each other as new issues arise during the school year. When you arrive home, tell your child how much you enjoyed meeting with their teacher. Focus on the positive and remember that the better your child feels about him or herself, the better he or she will do in school.
A. Raising a child during those "Tween" years (ages 10 through 12) can be trying at times, particularly when it comes to fashion. On the one hand, you may want your daughter to start becoming independent and to express her individuality. On the other hand, it can be rather disconcerting when your little girl insists that she wants to wear a spandex skirt and a leopard print tube top to school on the first day of sixth grade.
Although clothing choices can be a means of self-expression for your daughter, talk to her about where these choices stem from. Has she chosen a particular style because of pressure from her peers or media advertising? Does she realize the social implications and poor impression that she might make on those outside of her peer group? Show her photographs of yourself at her age. My own 10-year-old twin "Tweens" laugh when I bring out old photos of myself dressed in hippie garb.
What I suggest to you regarding your shopping trip, is to plan a day that is convenient to you. Lay down some ground rules before you leave the house. Establish a budget and decide which stores you will visit and how long your outing will be. Allow your daughter to try on lots of different styles. Talk to her about which outfits are suitable for which occasion. The outfit for a party at a friend's house may not be appropriate for the classroom. Have lots of fun and compliment your daughter. Girls at this age need their self-esteem boosted.
She may be satisfied with some "cool" accessories. Allowing her to choose items, such as a purse or shoes, provides empowerment, an important step on the road to independence.
Next, try to compromise where possible. You may want to allow her to select one complete outfit while you influence the rest. This provides a gradual shift of control from you to her. As you both become more comfortable with the choices she makes, hopefully, you can give her more and more input into the selection process.
Try and remember your feelings when your parents reacted to your styles when you were 11. Keep a positive attitude. Enjoy the day and remember: Fashion trends come and go, but mother/daughter relationships last a lifetime.
A. You have this problem because you are sensitive to their feelings. On the other hand your husband recognizes that they must learn to obey rules now because there will be more rules later. It seems that men can often deal with this sort of thing more easily than women.
Your main problem is guilt. I believe that you may feel guilty about whatever privileges you may have to remove. Think about this. You are teaching your children that they have to live in the real world. The real world has rules. If you were to park your car in a no parking zone you would get a ticket. That's a rule that you must live with if you do not want to lose your driving privileges. When your children break family rules they will learn best by having to suffer consequences. If they can help you to feel guilty they will not have to suffer the consequences. What they have learned is how to get away with breaking the rules.
Many of the people who end up in jail have worked hard at getting around the rules. Is there a similarity here? You bet there is. So what is a mother to do? Make the consequence fit the misdeed. Here is an example: Jane is told to put her plate in the sink after she has finished eating. She never does even after many reminders. A consequence for this could be that she must take all of the plates off of the table; or she has to wash the dishes for a week. Think of something meaningful that relates to the problem.
The point is that the consequence is related to the misdemeanor. Sending her to her room for the rest of the day may be just what she wants and she still has not learned that she must put her dishes in the sink.
Let's try another one: John never puts the trash out on time. His excuse is that he forgets. A consequence could be that you can forget to wash his football uniform on time.... especially if he will get a demerit for having a muddy football uniform; or all trash (in plastic bags) will be placed on his bed. Think of something meaningful in your family that relates to carrying out a chore on time and/or dealing with forgetfulness.
Don't let yourself get caught up in the guilt of meting out appropriate punishment. You are the teacher. It is important for children to learn to obey the rules at home, at school and in the community. These are lessons in becoming an adult. Concerned parents insist that their children obey the rules and suffer the consequences when they don't. Keep in mind that you are teaching them lessons for life. You will be damaging them if you do not carry out the discipline that has been determined. Children lose respect when adults do not carry out their promises.
Promises can be rewards or punishment. If you make a promise then it is important that you follow through. When promises are not kept children will see the promise maker as a liar. Keeping promises helps to establish respect. You are doing lifelong harm when you permit your guilt to get in the way of your parenting.
A. Etiquette rules change with the changing times. Good manners are still in style. Parents, caretakers and all adults are responsible for teaching children appropriate behavior. Remember children imitate adults. When adults model the positive behavior children will imitate that behavior. Children have to be taught to use good manners and proper etiquette. When these courtesies are practiced from birth they become a part of everyday living.
It is also important that we let children know when they are behaving the way that we approve. Approved behavior is reinforced by statements such as "I like the way you said that," or " Thank you for holding the door for me." Most of the time children will repeat behavior that is reinforced by praise.
It is everyone's responsibility to teach children good manners. It never hurts to remind a child to say, "Thank you, please, excuse me etc." Children respect those people who demand respect and that is done by insisting that children behave with good manners and respect. It's the parents responsibility to teach basic manners. It's also important for children and adults to respect each other.
The Golden Rule, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," is a good reminder that respect and good manners work both ways.
A. Part of the holiday spirit, as we know it, is to indulge our children as a means of showing our love and appreciation to them. Most often, this comes to them in the form of expensive toys, electronics and novelty items. This tradition of abundant gift exchanges has become common place in many homes. Try to take the attention away from "What will I get?" to "What can I give?" Start a new tradition of giving from the heart.
Begin this tradition at home. Family members can give at least one handmade gift to another family member. Examples include a poem, drawing, handmade stationary or baked goods. Coupons for services such as breakfast in bed or a night of baby-sitting are also good ideas. As parents, we treasure the gifts and cards made by our children in grade school. We save them for a lifetime. Your children can learn to do the same.
Get the entire family involved in a service project. Sit down together and ask everyone to contribute to a list of suggestions. Have each member explain why they believe their suggestion should be this year's choice. Then collectively decide on one project. Possible projects you might consider are:
Helping construct a living space through Habitat for Humanity
Serving dinner at a shelter or food kitchen
Volunteering at a school
Adopting a stretch of highway
Collecting for Toys for Tots or other groups
Families can also offer their services by reaching out to a needy family or individual in their community. Contact local agencies, such as the Y.W.C.A. of Bucks County, which can assist you in finding a family that needs some help. Have your children to become involved in the whole process of giving to this family. Allow them to earn money to pay for the gifts. Have them cook a meal or shop for the food to be given. Let them see first hand that not everyone leads the same quality of life. Most of all, let them experience the joy of giving.
Often, schools and community organizations such as Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts perform service projects around the holidays. Children can get involved in these activities as well. It is important to instill empathy and sensitivity to our children while they are still young. They will learn to be much more appreciative of what they have now. This will also allow them to establish a solid base to become contributing adults and parents.
A. Listening is a major part of the art of communication. It might help to be consciously aware of the way you listen to your children. The next time this type of conversation comes up try to keep quiet until they have finished talking. Really work at not advising, questioning, accusing etc. just listen. Take notes if necessary but try not to talk until the speaker asks you a question. Then only answer that question. Stop while you are ahead. Don't elaborate! Children will hear you better if you say less.
Many times the message given is not the one received. One strategy is to repeat what you've heard so that the speaker and the listener are reacting to the same information. For example, preface your response with "Let's see if I have this right....." OR..."What I hear you saying is.... " Then listen intently to the information given.
Sometimes kids and adults only want a listener. They may not want an answer or a solution. When one is able to listen without responding until the speaker asks a question, the speaker will know that he/she has really been heard.
When you say less and only respond to what they ask, your children will follow your example and also be better listeners.
"A good listener is not only popular everywhere but after a while he gets to know something." - author unknown
A. Chores are usually what parents want done. Children could care less. However, household chores teach valuable lessons about handling one's responsibilities. The age at which parents begin assigning chores can make a difference in how chores are tackled and accomplished. Children learn by mimicking their parents. Very young children look at our 'work' as their 'play'. Young children "enjoy" doing "work". Pre-schoolers like to wash the dishes (a.k.a. play in water) - so let them wash the unbreakable ones. They like playing with the vacuum cleaner and sweeping the floor. Give the child a small battery run vacuum and/or a small broom and dust pan. Help any age child to clean their room by concentrating on organizing one type of item at a time. Say, "Put all the books on the shelf", or "Put all of the play people in the box." This helps the child to categorize and makes it easier to accomplish than if you were to say, "Clean up your room."
To begin assigning chores when children are older, i.e. 10, 12, etc. requires a different strategy. I would suggest that you call a family meeting and explain the necessity for needing everyone's help with the household chores. Get input from everyone on what needs to be done - making one's own bed, putting one's own clothes in the hamper, taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, etc.
Help all family members to recognize the many things that you do each day to help make their lives comfortable. Together the family can choose the chores that are in each one's domain. Plan, together, when certain things need to be done and the consequences if the chores do not get accomplished.
Example: The consequence for not washing the dishes or putting them into the dishwasher 'could be' that there would be no dishes available for the next meal. Do NOT do the task for the person responsible. Stand your ground - keep available dishes to a minimum even if it means packing away all dishes and leaving one plate, cup, etc. per person.
Family pressure will help the child to carry out his/her tasks. Praise for a completed job encourages the doer to repeat the activity. A simple, "I like the way you did that" goes a long way in helping the child feel that they've done a good job. Thanks, praise and knowing that each member of the family contributes to the household by carrying out his/her responsibilities is the reward for being a member of the family. Household chores and attending school are children's first jobs.
Enjoy.
A. In our family a distinction was made between "allowance" and pay for chores. Certain routine chores such as setting and clearing the table, emptying the trash, etc. were expected or required of our children. Depending on their age and abilities we taught them how to help out around the house. An allowance was not necessarily tied to performing chores.
Allowances were given to our children to teach them how to handle money responsibly. When they were young, in elementary school, a small sum was provided and they were encouraged to save it for something special they wanted, or some was saved and some used for immediate wants. We tried to teach them the value of things and decision making skills. For example, "You can buy three sheets of stickers or a bag of candy or wait till next week when you will have enough to buy the stuffed animal ." As our children got older we gave them enough allowance for lunch money for the week and a little extra. I no longer made their lunches for them, but always had supplies for them to make their own lunch if they wanted to save some of the money for something else. Extra chores, washing the car, raking leaves, weeding a flower bed were usually rewarded with either a special treat or an extra allowance.
With one of my daughters, who was much more demanding of clothes, I found it helped the situation to give her a "clothes allowance". This was an amount we discussed and agreed upon, that I was willing to spend on her wardrobe. When we shopped she soon learned to weigh the cost of what she wanted against her "budget". I didn't always agree with her decisions, but she accepted responsibility for them. A bonus was fewer clothes were purchased on a whim, and she took better care of her clothing.
In our society where children are bombarded with so many things "they need", an allowance can be a useful tool to teach them the difference between "needs" and "wants" and help them develop values and set priorities. Our children really enjoyed being able to save some of their spending money to purchase small gifts for each other and us. Now that they have jobs and their own income, this wonderful tradition has continued.
A. You sound concerned, and I would be concerned as well. Make sure your son understands why you don't want him to watch violence. If he chooses to watch it at his friends, let him know you disapprove, but you would like him to talk to you about what he has watched and what he might be feeling. Ask him questions about the movie or video game, and find out what he liked about it or did not like about it. This opens up the opportunity for a discussion between the two of you.
Then do everything you can to teach him how to solve conflicts peacefully, such as talking out the conflict instead of yelling. Or walking away to avoid the conflict, or dealing with it assertively, using "I" statements and brainstorming solutions to the problem.
In addition, talk with him about his feelings when you hear about a crisis or a conflict on the news. Encourage him to join kids who are doing lots of healthy activities such as soccer, basketball and swimming. Youth groups at church often have group activities, or have him join a community center or gym. Some schools have after-school activities offering peer mediator clubs, environmental or multicultural clubs.
Have your son invite his friends over to your house and provide activities such as ping-pong, air-hockey, volleyball or basketball. Make sure his friends feel welcome at your home and provide some snacks. Set up guidelines you feel comfortable with such as scheduling times friends can be there and the volume of music.
The bottom line is this: try to balance out the negative with as much positive as possible!
Don't hesitate to register your concerns with your elected officials. Call your Congressperson and find out what he/she is doing to hold the entertainment industry accountable. Find out what your son's school is doing to promote conflict resolution. We need to be active on all fronts!
A It seems that we are in the Internet era and its impact on our children is going to increase. My suggestion is that you talk with him about your concerns and work out a mutually satisfactory plan for using the computer.
Keep in mind that if your agreed upon plan is disobeyed there should be a mutually agreed upon consequence that fits the disobedience.
A sample discussion could go like this:
Mother: I'm concerned about the amount of time that you spend on the Internet.
Son: What's wrong with that? I'm only learning new stuff. You want me to keep learning. You bought me the computer so that I would stay in touch with modern technology.
Mother: My concern is that you might stumble onto something that is dangerous to you.
Son: There's nothing else to do around here all day.
Mother: There's plenty to do. I believe that together we could make some plans that would be satisfactory to both of us.
Mother and son both brainstorm on other things to do and the length of time permitted to be on the Internet. Also, brainstorm the consequences for failing to keep the agreement. Brainstorming means accepting and writing down all suggestions from both parties.
Step 1 - Write down ALL brainstormed ideas about the time to be on the Internet and for finding other activities to satisfactorily utilize the son's leisure time. (Silly suggestions can add humor and relax tension.)
Step 2 - Review the list and delete all impractical (silly) suggestions.
Step 3 - Rewrite/keep the agreed-upon suggestions and the agreed upon consequences if the suggested rules should get broken.
Consequences should fit the unacceptable behavior.
A sample Agreement and Consequence could be as follows:
Agreement: The son can be on the Internet a maximum of two hours each day. If the son abuses this privilege by being on the 'Net four hours then a consequence could be that the son is not permitted to be on the Internet for two days i.e. two hours of overtime has to be paid for by two days of non-use.
The brainstormed/solution list and the consequence list must be agreed upon by both parent(s) and child. If there is an impasse the Internet is off limits until there is an agreement. If necessary the discipline could be controlled by removing and retaining the linkage cord or what ever part of the computer makes the Internet available to him.
Step 4 - Plan a time (possibly a week later) to see if the agreed-upon plan is working.
Step 5 - Make adjustments or new plans as needed. Planning together how long he is permitted to be on the Internet would be a start. I understand that there are 'lock-out' programs that could help you to have some control over where he goes on the 'Net.
Where does the computer with the Internet component stay? A possible solution would be to keep the computer in the room where most of the family gathers. This would assure that the information that your son is receiving can be monitored more closely. You could also permit the use of the Internet only when you are at home.
Whatever you decide it will be more closely adhered to if you and our son work out the solutions together. This Brainstorming to Arrive at an Agreeable Solution Method helps to teach problem solving and lets the child feel that he can be part of making the rules that he must follow. -Happy Surfing.