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A. Summer is approaching quickly and while our kids are busy at the calendar crossing off the remaining school days and anticipating their upcoming freedom, parents are anxious with thoughts of how to fill the idle time of summer vacation.
For parents, the school year provides structure. Regardless of how busy parents and children are with events and activities, this schedule provides a sense of accomplishment, stability and purpose for everyone.
Summertime can be just as fulfilling, educational and more enjoyable if you take some time now to plan ahead. Before you begin, think back to your own childhood and what you enjoyed most about your summers. Discuss the sights and sounds of these memorable activities with your family. Don't be concerned if they laugh at your antics, it's worth the trip down memory lane.
Start by looking into your township's department of recreation. You may find free concerts, guided tours of area parks, nature centers, museums, library programs, special events etc. Check the Community section in Friday's Courier Times for listings of free and reasonably priced activities in your area. The Life section also profiles area day trips.
After you've investigated what is available, have a family meeting to discuss your options. Other ideas might include a back yard camp out, a picnic, fishing in the park and trips to community pools. Ask your children's teacher for a list of suggested reading titles. Set some reading goals and rewards for your children. Limit the time your children can spend on electronics such as television, computers and video games. Monitor these activities carefully.
Outdoor activities naturally increase during the summer. Along with planning trips and visits, be sure to discuss summer safety. Make sure that proper rules are followed in all sports. Always insist on helmets and protective gear while riding bikes, skating etc. The use of sunscreen is also essential during the summer months.
Remember, the summertime pace should be slower and less structured. Allow for unscheduled time together to relax or do nothing. Time spent without the pressure of schedules frees a child's imagination and creativity. Such times often result in the most precious memories of a summer.
A. Seeing a connection between your actions and the health of the planet is tough for adults, let alone children. I have seen adults pour paint and used oil into sewer drains. Even children know the sewers drain to rivers and rivers are where we get most of our drinking water.
The way to involve children in restoring the planet to health is to start early and lead by example. Telling them to take shorter showers doesn't work if they hear you shower for an hour. Purchase water restricting shower heads and turn down the thermostat on the waterheater. Set a time limit for showers. While shopping, involve them in choosing environmentally friendly products instead of harmful ones. Make recycling a part of everyday family life; a responsibility, rather than a chore. After all, your efforts at recycling help save resources for their future.
Turn an everyday life-experience into a learning session. For example, one day while driving, we came across a roadside area that looked like a dump. Cans, bottles, old shopping carts, and other trash covered the area. My children were horrified that any place on earth could look like that. We talked about the problem and how we could help stop this type of pollution. Our household recycling efforts increased after that experience.
The key to environmental awareness is involvement. Organizations like Kids F.A.C.E., (Kids For A Clean Environment at www.kidsface.org) provide a way for kids to get together and act on environmental issues. Kids for Saving Earth at kidsforsavingearth.org is another web site that provides environmental information for all ages from 3 to adult.
Another way to raise the entire family's environmental awareness is by visiting one of the many environmental centers in the area. Some nearby centers are: Churchville Nature Center, Peace Valley Nature Center, and Silver Lake Nature Center. Become active at one of the centers. Take part in their activities. Many people begin by sitting in on classes. You can volunteer for cleanup days and service projects at the center. You will be surprised how your children will become more environmentally aware by living what they learn.
Visit the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Protection website at dep.state.pa.us/dep/deputate/enved/env_centr.htm for a complete list of centers by county. It also has a wealth of information about environmental concerns in our state.
A. Talk with your children about the importance of thanking people for their gifts. Tell them that "thank-you notes" should be written to those people they do not see in person, and a verbal "thank-you" given to those they will see. If your children are too young to write, have them draw a picture or dictate something for you to write for them. Tell them how much people must care about them to remember them during the holidays and to spend time selecting just the right gift for each of them.
Show your children what appreciation means by thanking (and even hugging!) them when they do something special for you. This will demonstrate how good appreciation feels, and will help them to understand the importance of thanking others.
Take walks or drives with your children and observe a beautiful sky, fall foliage, or the way the earth looks in winter. Express your appreciation for the things that are important to you, perhaps the love of your family and being able to celebrate the holidays together.
Practice saying "Aren't we lucky that..." to your children, and one day you may hear this from them also. They will then be "on the right track" to becoming the kind of people you want them to be.
A. A. Family traditions tie present day activities to our past. How a turkey is prepared, or when presents are opened, are things that make each family individual and are reflections of our own upbringing. Family traditions are conducive to holidays but are also linked to birthday celebrations, family gatherings or vacations. Our most vivid childhood memories stay with us throughout our lives. Naturally, you to want the same good memories for your children. However, when two people marry, each may bring differing expectations to celebrating holidays.
Each of you should start with your own recollections and think back to the events that were most important and satisfying in your past. Looking through old photographs may be helpful. Is it a holiday or a vacation? Do you find yourself in a cozy home surrounded by family and friends? Are there any particular foods, activities or rituals that stand out in your mind? Talk to your own parents and grandparents. As you reminisce, choose a few special remembrances and ask yourself if you would like your children to experience these and could they fit in to your family as it exists today. You may find the need to adapt some things to fit your current lifestyle. Talk with each other about each tradition and try to reach a consensus on things you both wish to retain.
Some of the best traditions are those that come from the heart and don't cost money. My friend Mary has the perfect example of this. Her family lights several candles in one room in their house one night the week before Christmas. Later that evening, each family member approaches a candle and extinguishes it with a candle snuffer while stating, silently or aloud, a prayer, wish, or hope for the season.
Parents and grandparents cherish handmade gifts and cards from children. You may want to start a tradition of exchanging these types of gifts in your home. Another tradition could involve giving to a needy family or cause during particular times of the year. You could have your children donate some of their toys to a shelter.
Plan family activities surrounding a holiday. Some activities you will want to repeat, some you may not. Traditions tend to evolve from family activities that are enjoyed. When those activities are repeated year after year, they eventually become your traditions. Past family traditions, along with your new ones, will link your children with their past, present and future.
A. It is painful to watch your children experience the trauma of death. On the other hand, the death of a pet can be the easiest way for a child to learn about that phase of life's inevitability. Keep in mind that we will not be able to shield our children from all of life's unpleasant experiences. Instead of using the death of the animal as the criteria, I would suggest using it's life's values to help make a decision.
As you have stated, pets are wonderful subjects for teaching responsibilities. Their needs can be very demanding. Do your children have any responsibilities now? How do they handle them? Do you have to constantly remind them to do their jobs?
If they do not have any household responsibilities, this could be a good time to begin assigning them. Tasks such as making up their beds, taking out the trash, putting their dishes in the sink, putting dirty clothes in the hamper, folding their socks etc. are a few suggestions.
You can probably think of other household jobs that your children could be assigned. It should be made clear that attending to their assigned chores will help you to decide about them taking on the responsibility of a pet.
Other suggestions are to try a caged animal first. How about a hamster or a gerbil? An animal in a cage might require less care than a dog. I believe that 9 years old is an ideal age to get the first family dog. The 9 year old could take on the more demanding jobs and the younger children could assist and learn. It's important that children learn to be responsible. Caring for a pet is an excellent step in that direction. Whatever you decide take into account that some dog breeds are better for children than others. Do some research on what types of dogs are best for children before you choose this new family member.
A. You are not alone in your struggle to make ends meet while satisfying the nutritional needs of your family during this holiday season. There are many other families dealing with similar circumstances.
Many of these individuals are also shrouded in the assumed "wealth" of this community. According to hunger survey results from the newly formed Bucks County Hunger/Nutrition Task Force, there are more people than you might think living in Bucks County who do not have enough food to eat. I'm glad you came forward and I'll give you some suggestions where you might look for some help.
The Bucks County Opportunity Council 215-781-2661 or 215-345-3295 is an excellent organization and will direct you to local food pantries and programs for which you may qualify. School nurses are another good resource. Call the nurse at your child's school, explain your situation and they may be able to assist you in getting some food for the holidays. Your children may also be eligible for a free or reduced school breakfast and/or lunch. This particular program is under-used in Bucks County according to statistics from the Pennsylvania Hunger Action Center. Applications are available at schools.
You might also try contacting local places of worship for help. Donations are often given at this time of the year. The Bucks County Courier Times Holiday Fund also provides support to numerous families throughout the holiday season.
A. You sound like a very perceptive young lady. Yes, there are ways to discuss controversial topics and even disagree without yelling. Listed below are a few suggestions. I hope that they will be helpful to you, your siblings and your parents.
* Think of the disagreements as 'controversial discussions' instead of arguments.
* Identify the topic. People involved in the discussion need to stay focused so that they are both talking about the same thing.
* Stay on the topic. Do not bring unrelated issues to the discussion.
* Use "I" messages and feeling words; i.e. "I am angry because...," "I didn't like ...."
* Remember to say some thing positive;"I like the way you ..."
* Avoid using "you" messages; "You always...." "You never..."
* Keep the tone of voice low. If one person in the discussion would whisper when it's their time to speak it could be a reminder to the other person to use his/her 'indoor voice.' A hand gesture, indicating lower your voices could also help.
* Listen to the person speaking.
* One person speaks at a time. Yelling often starts when each person is trying to be heard.
* Each person should have equal time to talk. No one should monopolize the conversation.
* When one person is speaking the other could make notes to avoid interrupting. I don't know how you would feel about supplying paper and pencils when you think that a heated discussion is beginning. This could help each person remember what they want to say.
It might be helpful for you to show this article to your parents when they are not having a heated discussion. They may not be aware that their loud arguments are scaring you. It's important for you, your siblings and your parents to remember that 'it's not what you say it, but the way that you say it.' People learn their behaviors from whatever they have observed throughout their lives. It takes a lot of practice to change learned behaviors but it can be done. You may not be able to 'teach old dogs new tricks,' but most humans are able to learn new behaviors throughout their lives.
A. I believe that this could best be settled through the courts. Have you discussed this with your lawyer? You may want to consider requesting supervised visitations. You may have to swallow your pride and readjust your anger so that your daughter is permitted to adhere to the visitation rights and spend time with her father. You could talk to your husband and request that he visit with your daughter alone.
I'm not clear about what you mean by "not very nice". Do you mean that your husband's mistress is not a nice person... Does that mean that she could be harmful to your daughter? Or were you saying that her conversation with you was not nice?
If she seems to be a person who would be unkind to your daughter, I believe that you could get help from your lawyer because this is a safety issue involving a minor. If you experienced an ugly conversation with her, that could be remedied by using your own maturity. Be the mature adult and treat her as you would want to be treated. Your strong maturity and composure when you are face-to-face could help her to alter her behavior to treat you civily.
I understand you feel betrayed by your husband. I hope that you will be able to deal with this problem without poisoning your daughter against her father. She will form her own opinion of her father as she matures.
A. Part of the holiday spirit is to give gifts to our children to show them how much they are loved and appreciated. Children look forward to this and parents enjoy it as well. This year you may want to include your children in more of the gift giving by creating a new tradition in your home that focuses on giving from the heart to family members as well as those who are less fortunate.
You could begin this tradition by asking each family member to give at least one handmade gift to another family member. These gifts could be in the form of a craft, baked good, poem, drawing, or promise to deliver a service such as washing the car. Parents treasure the special handmade gifts, cards and favors that they receive from their children. We often cherish them for a lifetime, and your children can learn to do the same with the items they receive from other family members.
You may want to involve the entire family in a service project. Gather everyone together and come up with a list of suggestions. Have everyone participate and collectively decide on what you are going to do. Possible projects you might consider are:
* Collecting money or items for the September 11th victims,
* Serving meals at a shelter or food kitchen,
* Volunteering at a school or hospital,
* Collecting for Toys-for-Tots or other groups.
Families can also offer their services by reaching out to a needy family or individual in their community. Contact local agencies, such as the YWCA of Bucks County, which can assist you in finding a family that needs some help. Have your children be involved in the whole process of giving to this family. Have them cook a meal or shop for the food to be donated. This way they can see firsthand the difference they can make. Most importantly, let them experience the joy of giving.
A. Sharing oneself is the greatest gift a person can give, and I commend you for wanting to embark on this. I would suggest that you begin with your immediate family. Is one of you struggling with a problem in silence. Would he/she welcome a listening ear if it were sensitively offered? Would your family benefit from "family time" where you could share your experiences and feelings while supporting each other? Can you fit this into your busy schedules on a regular basis, so that it may become a valued part of all of your lives?
If you begin this way, you will then be ready to reach out to others. There are abundant opportunities here. You might decide to welcome a family that has just moved into your neighborhood. For most of us, gone are the days when Americans would sit on their front porches or front steps in the evening and visit with neighbors who would walk by. Often we do not even know the people who live on our block. You could take the lead in getting to know the new residents. Invite them into your home along with other neighbors who could then get to know them also.
When a new child enters the classroom of one of your children, encourage him to reach out to this child and help him adjust to his new school. Make sure, also, that your child knows he may invite the newcomer home with him. Reaching out to the child's parents could bring extra benefits to both families.
There are many people today, particularly the elderly, who live alone and would appreciate being included in the lives of their neighbors. Reaching out to them can provide rewards both for them and for you. Older people frequently have a lot to contribute to young families. In addition, telling stories about their early lives can be interesting and instructive.
And, finally, there are all sorts of more structured ways your family can get to know and appreciate other people. Social agencies are always seeking volunteers, and volunteering as a family would bring you closer together. Your local senior center may be able to use your help with special events, or perhaps one of you has some skill or hobby to share. Soup kitchens and homeless shelters may be able to use your help in serving meals. Hospital or nursing home patients, appreciate visits, even brief ones.
A. "Because I say so" has never been the best reason for a child to obey. "Because this activity needs to be completed" or "because we cannot get to the next procedure" or "because it is important to this household" are more logical reasons to complete a task. Parents are the heads of their households so they must maintain control. Control is maintained when everyone knows and obeys the rules or pays the consequences without any exceptions.
Household rules and appropriate consequences are a large part of the solution to this problem. We all have to live with rules. Children are no exception. House rules help everyone to know what their responsibilities are. House rules and consequences can be made in a family meeting. Family meetings should be held when there is no tension; such as, at breakfast or dinner on a weekend. Rules require consequences. Consequences have to be administered. And that's where parents have a problem. Parents often are too exhausted to follow through.
Children recognize that their parents have no energy left and they push for and succeed in getting what they want even if the parents do not agree. So what can a tired parent do? Parents can say, "I am too tired to deal with this now. I need to take a break. I will give you my answer after I have time to relax." When children persist, the answer to their nagging can be, "I won't even consider your request any more because you are not giving me time to relax." It is important that parents carry out the consequences. Remember that ultimatums must be carried out, don't make any that you are unable to follow through. Listen to what you say to your children.
There has been a lot of confusion surrounding child raising recently. One of the major problems is the decentralization of families. Long ago parents and children lived in households with grandparents, aunts, uncles etc. When the parent was too stressed to handle a problem, one of the other adults could step in. Children learned even without punishment that when grandma, grandpa, aunt or uncle said to do something, there was no question about it. Households do not have that type of support these days and parents are more stressed out. Families are more peaceful and less stressed when everyone abides by the rules.
It is the parents' obligation to teach responsibility to their children so that their children will go out into the world and live as reliable adults. "Raise up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it". - Proverbs 22:6.
A. Children are much more adaptable than most people think. They may complain and shed a few tears about having to move, but time will play a role in easing any pain that has been caused by change. A move from their familiar home, school etc. will be only one adjustment that they will have to make throughout their lives.
Encourage and join your children in collecting telephone numbers, home and email addresses of your present neighbors and friends. Your move to a new neighborhood could be made into an adventure by creating pen pals.
Just as you are concerned about the ties your children have now, you should also think about how to make the transition be a pleasant, even exciting, experience. Take a trip and visit your new area to let your children get to know the "lay of the land"; just explore. Plan to visit their new school. Are there activities like scouting, and facilities, such as Y's, they could join to begin to feel part of their new community and meet new friends?
I believe that there may also be other things to consider in this adjustment. Would your husband-to-be consider moving in your direction or moving to an area that does not hold ties for either of you? Does he live with or near his son? If he lives with his son, how will that relationship affect you, your children, him and his son?
Change is healthy. It can be a challenge that helps us to broaden our lives and see beyond the familiar. "We change with change or we are changed by change." Anonymous. "Nothing endures but change."-Plato
A. Seeing a connection between your actions and the health of the planet is tough for adults, let alone children. I have seen adults pour paint and used oil into sewer drains. Even children know that the sewers drain to the river and rivers are where we get most of our drinking water.
The way to involve children in restoring the planet to health is to start early and lead by example. Telling them to take shorter showers doesn't work if they hear you shower for an hour. Purchase water restricting shower heads and turn down the thermostat on the waterheater. Set a time limit for showers. While shopping, involve them in choosing environmentally friendly products instead of harmful ones. Make recycling a part of everyday family life; a responsibility, rather than a chore. After all, your efforts at recycling help save resources for their future.
Turn an everyday life-experience into a learning session. For example, one day while driving, we came across a roadside area that looked like a dump. Cans, bottles, old shopping carts, and other trash covered the area. My children were horrified that any place on earth could look like that. We talked about the problem and how we could help stop this type of pollution. Our household recycling efforts increased after that experience.
We also discussed how the solid pollutants we saw are only part of the problem. They looked bad, but there is far worse. The contents of the metal drums may have leaked onto the ground and may now be soaking their way down toward the ground water below and someday, into the community's drinking water. Recycling of plastics and trash is an important part of the answer, but so is the responsible disposing of chemical waste, such as batteries, paints, insecticides, etc.
The key to environmental awareness is involvement. Organizations like Kids F.A.C.E., (Kids For A Clean Environment at www.kidsface.org) provide a way for kids to get together and act on environmental issues. Kids for Saving Earth at www.kidsforsavingearth.org is another web site that provides environmental information for all ages from 3 to adult.
Another way to raise the entire family's environmental awareness is by visiting one of the many environmental centers in the area. Some nearby centers include:
- Churchville Nature Center, 501 Churchville Lane, Churchville, PA 18966, 215-357-4005
- Peace Valley Nature Center, 170 Chapman Road, Doylestown, PA 18901, 215-699-7329
- Silver Lake Nature Center, 1306 Bath Road, Bristol, PA 19007, 215-785-1177
- Tyler State Park, Newtown, PA, a nine-month environmental program, 215-968-2021.
Become active at one of the centers. Take part in their activities. Many people begin by sitting in on classes. You can volunteer for cleanup days and service projects at the center. You will be surprised how your children will become more environmentally aware by living what they learn.
For a complete list of centers by county, visit the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Protection website at www.dep.state.pa.us/dep/deputate/enved/env_centr.htm. It also has a wealth of information about environmental concerns in our state.
A. Thank you for your letter. We DO see what is going on. When we "experts" recommend that you avoid hitting, we are not saying "Do not discipline." What we ARE saying is to use appropriate methods of discipline.
Parenting "experts" DO encourage consequences for undesirable behavior. The consequences should counteract the behavior that needs to be changed. Real change comes from a learning experience, it does not come from fear. The experts also encourage consistency. Carry out the discipline that is promised. Remember, parenting is a full time job.
You are responsible for the children that you created. Shoulder that responsibility. Becoming a parent means becoming responsible for teaching your children what they need to do to become responsible law abiding citizens. Put the emphasis on what you want them TO DO rather than what NOT TO DO.
If you chose to teach them to be violent citizens, then they, and you, have to shoulder the responsibility of their actions. Hitting is a might-makes-right thing. This carries over to bigger and older children hurting smaller and younger children. Is this what you want to see? They are at risk of growing up to become unacceptable adult citizens.
Children who are disciplined with understanding and love have a stronger tendency to treat their own children that way. Parents who want to change their methods of discipline can attend parenting classes and read material that will help them to learn more acceptable, non-violent methods of disciplining their children.
Additional comments about hitting from Alice:
Children are defenseless against their parents. Children repeat what they learn. Hitting teaches children to hit to get what they want. It also teaches "I am bigger, I can hit you and you can't do any thing about it." People who are punished with beatings and cruel methods often treat their own children that way, because that is what they learned when they were young. Hurt people hurt people. It takes a strong, sensitive person to change a behavior that has been learned from birth. When we treat others (children are others) as we wish to be treated, every one will benefit and much of the abuse in the world will cease.
A. A secret is a secret only when "the secret-holder" alone knows it. Some secrets have a way of leaking out in spite of us. If your children ask about your experiences with drugs, this is your opportunity to 'fess-up' and 'clear your conscience'. If they never ask this leading question, then it's up to you to find a good moment to begin the discussion.
Resistance to drug use has become part of many school curriculums. Your children may talk about what they have learned in school or seen on television about drug avoidance. This could be your chance to let them know how very difficult it is for you to even discuss this with them. Let them know that you are ashamed and embarrassed about this part of your past, that your experimenting with drugs has haunted you all of your life.
Do your best to help them understand that your experimenting with drugs has caused you anxiety all of your adult life. Let them know what the consequences are and how embarrassing it has been for you to face your family with this disgrace. Try to impress upon them that you want their lives to be free from this type of guilt, shame and embarrassment. Help them to recognize the importance of thinking for themselves and the value of avoiding things that could be detrimental to them and to their families.
Self esteem is dominant in resisting peer pressure. By being good listeners, acknowledging your children's feelings and praising their positive behavior, you can help your children develop their self-image and thus be more resistant to any peer pressure that could result in regrettable behavior. When a child has learned that he/she is a capable, worthy person, he is better prepared to say, "No" to the negative challenges that confront him. Impress upon your children that information about your past, drug-related behavior is family business and family business stays in the family.
A. Family time is valuable and it's just as important to encourage every family member to spend time together. If you are arguing and complaining during your time together as a family, it is not good, and could make your children less likely to want to get together in the future.
You might want to schedule a family outing or home activity that is agreed upon by all. If deciding what you will do causes a problem, allow each family member to alternate in choosing an activity. Sporting events, museums or movies are always a good choice. If you decide on a sporting event, keep in mind that the area has many minor league teams that cater to families by offering low-cost packages. Game night or watching a video at home is a less costly option. Allow for time together after the activity to discuss your experiences.
You and your husband need to set a positive atmosphere at your next family meeting. Agree ahead of time that you will not argue or be critical of your children. Plan what topics will be discussed and try to choose those that are of interest to your kids and that are less likely to cause a conflict. For example, if your son is in a play at school, find out the details ahead of time, such as the names of the teachers involved and what part your son is taking in the play. Then you may be able to say something like: "I hear Mr. Smith is a great director". "What have you learned from working with him?" Avoid saying things such as "You better keep up your grades if you want to continue being part of the play". If you need to voice a complaint, do it privately with your child. Try to include compliments with your criticisms to lessen the negative tone. "I hear you're doing great in the play, but remember, be careful not to let your grades slip."
Parents are role models in so many ways and they also need to model the art of conversation. When you speak to your children, make good eye contact and be aware of your body language. Try to ask questions that will result in greater than one-word answers. "How was school today? " is too general. "Did you learn about earthworms yet in biology class? I loved that topic when I studied biology." That is a broader way of asking questions and should result in a livelier exchange from your child.
Remember to compliment and praise your children. Parents often forget that it's important to boost your children's self esteem. Remember, older children need praise and encouragement too.
A. Congratulations to you for trying new parenting skills that eliminate striking your children. I don't know how long it will take for all parents to learn that discipline means to teach. Hitting is not teaching. Hitting forces a person to do as they are told out of fear of getting hurt. Hitting also causes resentment and an urge to repeat the undesired behavior without getting caught.
When you are criticized again, explain that your disciplinary methods help your children to understand how you want them to behave. Show how your use of appropriate consequences is related to the undesired behavior.
Use this example: An automobile driver fails to stop at a stop sign and is pulled over by a policeman. Should the policeman beat up the driver for breaking the law or should he give the driver a ticket requiring that the driver pay a fine? Try to get your critics to see how beating the driver would cause resentment, anger and possibly revenge. The fine would teach a lesson that the driver would remember the next time he/she comes to a stop sign.
Hopefully your family and friends will see that your children's behavior shows that your disciplinary methods are working. Spankings, hitting and slapping were sanctioned in past generations as were torture chambers and public embarrassment. Families who use consequences in place of hitting will pass these and other positive disciplinary methods on to the next generations. Stopping violence in the world begins at home. "Treat others as you would like to be treated." Children are also others.
A. Children are born with particular personalities, temperaments, and ways of perceiving and responding to their environment. Although we now know that major personality traits can be inherited, they may not be inherited from a mother or father. In my family, one of my grand-daughters reminds all of us more of her aunt than her mother, so much so that we often call her by her aunt's name.
Dealing with children who are very different from their parents is not easy. We all expect to have a certain kind of child, even if we don't consciously think about it. However, we may give birth to a child who has personality traits we can't quite understand and have difficulty accepting. We can feel let down and unsure of how to handle this child. In your case, there is not only a major personality difference between you and your daughter, but a constant reminder of unhappiness in your own life. Your concern about what to do is certainly understandable.
Most adults know people with all kinds of personalities, and we think it natural and normal to be drawn to those who are most like us. This does not upset us; it is just "how it is". You and your daughter face the same situation. You and she are very different people which promotes different feelings in you. However, although it may be more difficult with this daughter than with your other children, you can certainly be a good mother to each of them.
Start by accepting your feelings about this child. Remind yourself about why you react differently to her. Then, try not to feel guilty. In fact, since you know what causes these feelings, you can begin to look at the situation more objectively. Concentrate on giving her the things that all children need: acceptance, love, caring, fostering self-esteem, and generally doing the best job you can with her. This will help her to become a happy, productive person, and maybe even become more like you as she grows older. You may end up having a better relationship with her than you ever imagined possible.
A. Taking the time to write and ask for advice is a step in the right direction. Many women today are dealing with major stresses in their busy lives. Stress can be defined as "Your body's reaction to a challenge or threat." Stress can make your muscles tense and your heart beat fast. Too much stress can be harmful, both physically as well as emotionally.
Assuming that you cannot alter the hours or demands of your job, you need to make some changes to reduce stress in your personal life. The following are some simple steps that you can take to reduce stress:
1. Prioritize - Decide what is most important to you when you get home from work. If you need some time alone to unwind, schedule it and do not allow for any distractions. If you prefer to have dinner and conversation with your children, do just that. Turn off telephones, televisions and computers, and concentrate on what you have prioritized.
2. Simplify - Prepare easy meals, use paper plates and take short cuts wherever possible. Lower your housekeeping standards and delegate jobs to your children. Reward them only when they do their chores completely and without reminders from you. Nagging children to do simple tasks can be very stressful. Organize your errands so that you make less trips in the car. Some supermarkets offer banking, sell stamps, and rent carpet cleaners. Fewer stops allow for more time to do other things.
3. Slow Down - Learn to say "no". Women often feel obligated to say "yes" to everything. Before committing yourself to anything, ask questions and know exactly how much time you will need to dedicate to the task. Do only what you agreed to.
4. Take Care of Yourself - Getting enough rest, exercising, and eating a healthy diet are critical in reducing stress. Schedule time for enjoyable activities on your own and together as a family. Learn some meditation techniques that can help you to relax and lessen stress. Find a friend that you can talk to about your situation.
Learning to reduce stress in your life is critical to your own and your family's health and happiness. Diminishing your stress may not happen overnight, but trying a few of these tips will certainly lead you in the right direction towards reducing your stress.
A. Most likely its the screaming more than the subject of the argument that is frightening to the children. Here are a few suggestions that may help your children feel less threatened and also help your arguments be more productive.
* Refer to your arguments as discussions. Thinking "discussion" could help your talks to stay calm.
* Think about the issue. Some discussions should not be done in front of the children. Do you need to stop and go to another room to speak privately?
* Take a time out. Each of you could go to a different room, get control of yourself, collect your own thoughts, and prepare yourself to listen to the other side.
* Speak softly. Lower your voices. I know that this is not easy when you are trying to emphasize your view. However, if you can stay in control of your voice range and talk softly, each person will be heard more clearly and the discussion will sound less threatening. This will also, help your mate to speak in a softer tone.
* Listen to the person talking. Listening means that one person talks and the other gives undivided attention. Listening gives each speaker uninterrupted time to present his/her side of the discussion.
* Rather than interrupting, use a notepad to jot down brief, even single word, notes. This will help you to remain attentive to the other while still keeping track of things you want to respond to.
* Acknowledge what the other has said. Restate back to them, in a non-judgmental way, your understanding of their position. (That's why we raise our voices, we think we haven't been heard.) Once the other knows they have been heard, you can both move on with a productive discussion.
* Assure equal time. Neither person should talk more than three minutes at a time. Use a timer if possible.
* Stay focused on the subject that started the discussion. Staying focused means that each person gives his or her view about the topic under discussion. Avoid straying to unrelated topics or bringing up past history.
* Avoid sarcastic and/or demeaning remarks about the other person's character, personality, friends or family.
* Use feeling words; i.e., "It makes me furious when..."; "I don't like it when..." etc. Remember to also say what you do like during arguments or at any time..."Thank you for talking softly"; "I appreciate your patient listening."
I know that arguments are not planned and often flare up unexpectedly making it impossible for your children to avoid hearing you. When both parents use the communication skills suggested, your children will learn to discuss controversial subjects productively. It will also teach them to respect the value of different opinions. It is healthy to agree to disagree agreeably.
A. American families come in all sizes and shapes these days, and most seem able to produce children who turn out well. The three of you are very definitely a family in spite of the fact that your husband and their father is no longer present. You can do a lot to help your children become the kind of people you want them to be. Here are some ideas to get you started:
* Have a family meeting to talk about what things will be different now and what things will stay the same. Share ideas for making this new life easier for each of you.
* Make your home a place where your children's friends will feel welcome. Invite them when you are at home. Offer them simple snacks and make games, TV, etc. available.
* Make it possible for your children to pursue their interests and talents in music, art, or sports. Many school districts and local communities offer such opportunities at little or no cost.
* Set aside regular times when you will do things together. Let each person have a turn deciding what you will do on a particular day. This is a good opportunity for you to suggest things to do or places to go that are new to you. It will expand life's possibilities for all of you.
* Keep in touch with your extended family. Have family gatherings at holidays and birthdays. Relatives provide a ready-made support system and may also serve as role models for your children.
* Schedule regular times to talk and listen to each other. Dinner time is perhaps the easiest. Be open with your children and encourage them to be open with you. Share concerns, appreciation and plans for the future.
* Do not forget that you need some time for yourself to pursue your own interests, and spend time with your friends. This will make you a happier person and a better parent.
* Last, but certainly not least, you are your children's best example of what it is like to be an adult. Many, if not most, children adopt their parents' values and ways of doing things without even knowing it. Think about who you are. What are the most important beliefs which guide your life? How do you feel about such things as family, work, religion, education and personal responsibility? All of these, and others, are likely to become part of your children as they move into adulthood.
A. Between the two of you working full time, you are probably exhausted at the end of the day. It sounds as if your daughter is probably missing you, missing your attention, and needing a family schedule to help her to feel safe. It is really hard on a family when both parents are away from home so many hours.
Instead of looking at your daughter as the only one experiencing some emotional stress, what I would suggest is that you first try treating this as a family situation. Here are some of ideas:
* Take care of yourself first. I like to refer to the old analogy of the airplane and the oxygen mask. If the oxygen masks drop down, you are told to put yours on first and then attend to your child. There is a good reason for this. If you try to put the mask on your child first, you might pass out and would then be unable to help your child. Take some time to unwind and refresh and then you can be there more fully for your child. Come up with a plan with your husband which allows one of you to take a walk when you get home; or take a bath; or read. Trade off so that your husband can take a little time to unwind as well.
* It is important to eat together as often as possible. Make dinner together as a family. Going out to eat can be expensive; save that for a weekend or special occasion. Create a fun evening; give everyone a task they can handle. Don't worry about how well they do it! Put on some music, let go of needing things to be perfectly controlled, and relax with the kids. Children love to help out in the kitchen; but if you are always in control, they won't learn how to cook. This can be excellent preparation for their future. As my daughters became older, they were in charge of taking on one night a week as their night to make dinner. They planned the menu, made the food and served it.
* Set aside a night for games each week. Make it a family tradition to play board games or pick-up sticks or whatever you liked playing as a child.
* Have a video marathon night on a Friday night together. Let each child chose a video; make popcorn; and turn off the phone.
* Story time at bed can be a special time for children and parents. Set aside 20 minutes at the end of the evening to read together.
* If your daughter doesn't respond to the suggestions outlined, family counseling may be needed. This can be helpful for everyone. You won't make the same progress if you send only your daughter.
We have reached a time in our society in which the more money we make, the more we spend. Working hard to acquire a bigger house, car and nicer clothes often becomes our priority, rather than our family relationships. Our children just want to be with us. Is that too much to ask?
A. You've got a great idea! Scheduled or impromptu family meetings are so valuable in maintaining positive communication and interaction in a household. Here are some suggestions:
* Using your family members' input, designate a time when all household members will be able to participate.
* Turn off distractions such as televisions and radios. Let the answering machine take any incoming calls. If your answering machine is audible, turn it down or move it to another telephone in the house so that it does not interrupt.
* Use a space or room that is comfortable for all. You could be seated at the table just after a family meal.
* Have paper and pencil for each member so that thoughts can be written down to avoid interrupting whoever is speaking.
* Set rules. Some rules that you might consider are: One person speaks at a time; each person sticks to the topic; each person will have a turn to speak; no name calling or labeling; and no one interrupts the speaker. You may want to use a timer to prevent anyone from monopolizing the meeting.
* Designate a person to record what is said or use a tape recorder. Your rules may stipulate what happens to the recorded sessions. If written, are they to be saved in a family file or destroyed? If taped, does the tape get erased or saved?
* Start your family meeting with a statement: "We need everyone's input to help solve some of the issues that are causing turmoil in this family."
* Identify the problem that initiated this gathering. Make a list of any other issues that family members may have.
* Prioritize the problems. One or more problems may be solved in one meeting, or you may have to schedule time to address additional concerns.
* Discuss and record possible solutions to the initial problem. Narrow the solution list to a final decision by discussing it. Use consequences as appropriate. Consequences must be suited to the issue. Proceed , as time permits, to each subsequent issue.
* Keep the meeting time to an hour or less if possible.
* Schedule a follow-up meeting to assess progress and results.
I hope these suggestions will be helpful to you. Good luck with your family meetings!
A. There is a poem (author unknown) which begins "Grandparents are the only people who have time". It goes on to say that grandparents have time to listen, to tell stories, and to play games, among other things. If this poem was accurate when it was written, it is doubly so today when young parents are so busy and often pulled in so many directions that "ordinary" activities may tend to get pushed aside. Grandparents can not only do these things, but many others, such as emergency baby-sitting, taking children to doctor's appointments, or on a last minute shopping trip. Such situations can become "special times" for both grandparents and children.
Grandparents can provide a history of your family and relate events of their generation which will be invaluable to your children as they grow up. When my daughter was in elementary school, she was assigned the job of interviewing her grandparents to find out what it was like to live through America's Great Depression. History can come alive to children this way. Your parents are likely to know things about your family which could be lost if not passed on, such as when your ancestors came to this country, who were some particularly interesting relatives, and what life was like in "the early days". These experiences of living in different times, and sharing them with your daughter, can greatly expand her interests and knowledge.
Your parents can have a great influence on your child just by sharing their lives with her. Do they like to read? Listen to or play music? Explore the outdoors? Do they enjoy sports? Your daughter will have a first-hand look at some of the things life has to offer, and they can have a lasting influence on her. (My children's grandfather was a lawyer, and my daughter, who spent a lot of time with him when she was growing up, is now a lawyer herself.)
There is a saying that a parent's job is to love and teach, and a grandparent's job is to love. Since grandparents are not responsible for a child's becoming a successful adult, with all that entails, they often have a more open relationship with a child than can parents. Concerns, feelings, and daily activities can be shared by a child who knows her grandparents are not the ones who make the rules.
You, your daughter, and your parents are indeed fortunate to live near each other, and to have the chance to develop relationships which will enrich the lives of all of you. Enjoy!
A. You sound pretty frustrated. Raising children is the hardest job we have been handed. We all have expectations of how our children should be and how they should act, and when those expectations are not met, we resort to trying to take control. Often we resort to screaming. I have found that when I lower my voice, and am brief with a command, the children listen.
Try to look at your job from a different perspective. If your boss at work had an expectation of you that was not fulfilled, would he/she start yelling at you? If so, what would your reaction be? You would probably scream back. You want and deserve to be treated with dignity and respect, right? Well, so do your children.
Children who get screamed at constantly will soon tune you out. The more you yell, the more you set the stage for them to mimic you. How can you enroll them into being part of the solution?
Here are a few suggestions:
* Do not raise your voice no matter what. Each week, have a brief family meeting. Lay out what the week's activities and what each member of the family needs to do to make things run smoothly. Remember though, your priorities are not your children's priorities. You need to talk about how you can all meet each other's needs, and how each of you feels about the priorities.
* List the daily priorities in a prominent place in the house and discuss what consequences should be put into place if these priorities are not met.
* Next time you get upset, take a time-out for yourself. When you calm down, try to use a non-blaming statement. An example would look like this: "I feel upset when you don't put your clothes away. What I need you to do is have your clothes hung up before you go out to play." Speak calmly!
* Apologize for screaming. We will always make mistakes, but we need to clean it up by admitting what we did wrong.
Family discussions on the idea of cooperation and contribution need to start early in a child's life. Children need to know they are valued for who they are and that being part of a family is very special. Give them lots of praise when they cooperate rather than always pointing out what they did not do right.
Ease up on yourself, too. We all get to the end of our rope from time to time. Be good to yourself. When you are good and kind to yourself, you will be a better parent.