| |
| |
A. There are numerous books on the subject of getting your baby to sleep through the night. Sleeping through the night for most people means an uninterrupted stretch of sleep between the hours of approximately midnight and 5 a.m. Sounds wonderful, doesn't it? You are not alone in waiting for this blessed event to take place in your home. Suggestions on how to accomplish this ranges from letting your baby "cry it out" to bringing her into your "family bed". My advice is to try one of the less extreme approaches and try to be patient.
What's important to keep in mind is that all babies are individuals and will accomplish this skill at various times in their development. On the average, babies develop desirable sleep patterns between the ages of four and six months. Parents can influence these patterns to some extent. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, following these simple tips can help establish good sleep patterns and prevent sleep problems:
Gradually, your baby will sleep for longer periods of time. You probably won't notice it until one morning, you awake with a startle and realize that it's 5 a.m. and you haven't heard a peep from your baby since midnight. Your reaction will be the same as all parents before you. You'll rush into your baby's room and wake her up to assure yourself that she is O.K. Happy Parenting!
A. I suspect that several things, the first being her age. 2 1/2 year old children often experience "separation anxiety" at bedtime. This is a fear of being put in a room by herself, away from her parents. Sitting next to her bed until she falls asleep may be calming enough so that she will relax and not wake up so frequently. "Separation anxiety" may, however, be used by a child to control a situation, and this may be happening here.
Your daughter is demanding your attention. After all, she was an only child for most of her life, and has probably not yet adjusted to sharing her space with someone else. It is interesting that all this takes place when the baby is effectively out of the picture and your older daughter doesn't have to compete with her for your time. You mentioned that her behavior worsened recently when you decided to let her "cry it out". The more you ignored her, the angrier she became over the lack of attention.
Fortunately, there are a number of things you can do to improve this situation. First, try not to compare your children. (You mentioned that the baby is "an angel sleeper" at the same time you were commenting on your older daughter's unacceptable behavior.) Try not to "play up" the new baby too much (talking about what she can do, how cute she is, etc.), particularly in front of her older sister.
Do talk to your 2 year old about all the things she can do that the baby can't, and let her know that she now has the important position of "the big girl" in your family. Try to find some things that the two of you can do together. Let her know how much you love her, frequent hugs are a good idea!
Often children of this age like to "play mommy" with a doll while a mother takes care of the infant. Your daughter might like to feed "her baby", diaper her, change her clothes and put her down for a nap while you are doing these things for the baby. This will make her a part of what is going on, instead of feeling left out.
Another thing that often helps is to stress how many things a big sister can do for a little sister, such as helping at bath time, sharing a favorite toy with her, talking and singing to her. When the baby smiles at this attention, her big sister will feel wonderful.
In addition to the above, you may want to reward your daughter for doing better at night. Overall, your goal should be to let her know that the baby hasn't replaced her, and that she is a loved and appreciated part of your family.
A. An ancient philosopher spoke of newborn babies as being "blank slates", on which everything remains to be written. This is indeed true, and there is so much to learn! You will be your child's most important teacher, and you are wise to be thinking about this now. Here are a few suggestions:
Begin now to talk to your child. Pick up different objects and identify them by name, being sure she can see what you are doing. Her blanket or a toy in her crib would be good places to start. At first she will just be interested in your voice, but she will come to learn that sounds you make are connected with things she can see. Even though she will be a long way from talking herself, she will be learning a great deal.
When she's old enough to sit in your lap and pay attention for a short time, look at a picture book together. Name and point to things you see in the book. If you do this a number of times, (and children tend to want to "read" the same book over and over!), she will begin to learn the names of the objects. You might ask her to point to the dog, for example. Don't forget to praise her freely when she gets this right.
By the time your daughter becomes a toddler, she can find things that are in the same room with her. You could ask her to bring you her ball or her coat. Continue to praise her efforts. You might then talk about things she cannot see, saying, for example, "Can you find your mittens? I think we left them by the front door". She will be very pleased with herself when she is able to do this.
The most important thing you can teach your daughter in these early years is how much you love her and what a special person she is. Hug her often, respond promptly to her discomforts and fears, and continue to praise her efforts. A major factor in her future development will be how she feels about herself, and during these early years you can provide the support she needs to move ahead with success.
A. Many first-time moms share similar apprehensions about motherhood and caring for a newborn. You should be looking forward to this incredible journey that you are about to embark upon. There are several things you can do to help diminish your concerns.
1) Talk to other new mothers about their experiences and spend time with a newborn if possible. You may want to offer to baby-sit or help out in other ways to gain experience for yourself.
2) Seek out information by attending parenting classes, reading books, watching videos or visiting websites. Keep in mind that there are numerous styles and strategies of parenting. Accept the information that suits your own personality and beliefs. What you feel most comfortable with is usually best.
3) Choose a physician for the baby that is readily available and willing to take time in answering your questions. Interview them now or get recommendations from other parents before your baby arrives.
4) Get your home organized and be prepared with items that you'll need for the baby. The "nesting" instinct sometimes occurs during pregnancy. If you"re feeling energetic put your "nesting" energy to use. Infants can be demanding and require a lot of your time. The less you have to do after the baby comes the more time you can spend with your baby.
Learning parenting is an ongoing process. It is perfectly normal not to know everything. Stay positive and feel confident that you will be a fine mother. When your baby arrives, take time to get to know and love him/her. Your baby will teach you a lot of things. As situations arise that may be difficult, seek answers and ask for help. Good luck to you and your baby.
A. A very important reason to say "no" to your child is to protect him from consequences of his actions which are unknown to him. Talking about these consequences is teaching him what can result from his behavior. To be effective you need to be firm, explain clearly why you are not permitting him to do something, and resist the temptation to change your mind if he objects. Using this approach only for important things will make it more likely that he will listen to you. It often helps, when telling your child what he may not do, to tell him what he may do instead.
At the age of two, children are beginning to develop independence, but many things about the outside world are not yet understood. You might tell your son that he may not cross the street without holding your hand because, if he does not do this, a car may not see him and he could be badly hurt. Or, you might tell him not to touch a hot stove because it will burn him.
Not all situations to which you may say "no" involve a child's physical safety. Others are a matter of his learning to live happily with other people. For example, you might tell your son that he may not run around or make noise in a place where quiet is expected (a church or a library). He may not push in front of other people in line, and he may not use disrespectful language or bad table manners. The consequences of such behavior are that he probably will not be welcome around people he cares about.
When your son reaches the teen years, consequences for certain kinds of behavior can be even more serious and may even have legal consequences. Children of this age have one foot in adulthood and therefore may feel that they have all the answers. It is a time when activities such as drinking, unsafe driving, and using drugs can have consequences a teen may have never considered. It will therefore be most important that you decide what behavior is acceptable to you and what is not. Rather than resenting your "interference", your son will probably appreciate it (although he may not admit it at the time!) Teens in prison for drug use and other offenses tell counselors that they wish their parents had stopped them.
It will be important to let your son know, as he grows, how much you care about him and how important it is to you that he be happy and safe. Make it clear that it is your responsibility as a parent to do everything you can to assure this, which may sometimes mean that you will say "no" to things he wants to do.
A. The dictionary says that to spoil a child is "to injure by overindulgence". The first thing that will probably confront you is a baby who fusses and cries even though you have just fed and changed him. Infants fuss or cry when they are uncomfortable or in pain, and picking them up, cuddling them and walking around often cause them to forget the discomfort, at least temporarily, and stop crying. This also teaches them that the world is a friendly place and that they can trust people to take care of them. Since infants are not mentally capable of knowing that crying will get them what they want, you cannot spoil a small baby.
From about 6 months on, however, if you cannot stand to see him cry, and you pick him up as soon as he starts, he will begin to learn that crying results in his getting what he wants. This reaction by parents is not at all uncommon, especially if:
1. This is a first child who has been long awaited and it is planned that this will be the only child.
2. This is a first child and his parents are unfamiliar with caring for an infant and are fearful of doing something wrong.
3. The child is adopted, parents often feel that they must do a superhuman job with these children.
4. This is a single-parent household, and the mother feels guilty because the father is absent.
5. The parents both work outside the home and feel guilty about the time away from their baby or want to spend every minute they have at home with him.
By the time a child reaches the age of 2 or 3, if parents give in to every demand the child makes, they will be "injuring the child by overindulgence", They will very likely feel angry at themselves and at their child, and the child will be developing into a person who will not be welcome in the outside world.
Suppose this were to happen in your household. Could you "unspoil" your child? Definitely yes. First, you would need to realize that the situation was unhealthy for both of you. Then you should start to say "no" to your child's unreasonable demands, and do so without feeling angry or guilty. You would need to be sure that your "no" really meant no. The best way to do this is to be friendly but firm. For example, if your child demanded that you play with him "right now", and it was time for you to get dinner, you could put some of his toys on the floor near you and tell him that you couldn't play with him now but you would have some time for him after dinner. As you took more and more time for your own activities, your child would build up his frustration tolerance, and gradually a better balance would develop between what he wanted and what you need.
As the birth of your child approaches, try to be confident in your ability to be a good parent. You probably know more than you think you do.
A. Thumb-sucking is quite common in babies and young children. Some seem to have a greater need to suck than others, and some even suck their thumbs before they are born. It is thought now that this may even run in families. It seems to be a major way that babies relieve physical and emotional tension.
Use of a pacifier is a common way to try to prevent thumb-sucking. Some babies will take the pacifier and some will not, but they are more likely to accept it during the first three months of life. Perhaps breast or bottle feeding is a factor here.
(My children, who were breast fed, would not take a pacifier. I always felt that this was because it just didn't feel like "the real thing".) If a pacifier is used, parents need to be careful that not only the baby, but they themselves, do not become too dependent on it.
After the age of six months, thumb-sucking serves as a source of comfort, often when the child feels bored, tired, or is in an unfamiliar setting, it is not a sign of unhappiness, maladjustment or lack of love. Interestingly, pediatricians report that most thumb-suckers are happy children and that those who are severely emotionally deprived do not suck their thumbs.
You are wondering whether you should be trying to stop this habit in your daughter. Parents have tried all sorts of things to try to stop thumb-sucking, such as putting a bad-tasting substance on the thumb, tying on a mitten, or scolding the child each time she sucks. These make the child miserable but do not stop the urge to suck, and in fact may even prolong it.
As with many developments in children (and adults!) motivation is important. If your daughter continues to suck her thumb as she gets older, and if she wants to stop, you could promise her a reward for doing it. However, this habit usually peters out by itself somewhere between three and six years of age; for most children before their second teeth appear. The concern we have about thumb sucking affecting the healthy development of the teeth and jaws is usually not a factor until this time. So, for the time being, you do not need to do anything except try not to think or worry about it too much. It is very likely that your daughter will give up her thumb when it becomes important for her to do so.
A. The approach to toilet training has changed over the years. When I was a child, the age at which a child was trained was a matter of either pride or shame for his parents: age two seems to have been the dividing line here. When my children were small, the phrase "No child ever went to kindergarten in diapers" was frequently heard. Today we are likely to hear the terms "readiness" and "motivation" when toilet training is discussed.
The concept of readiness relates to both parents and children. Readiness needs to occur in parents before they begin to work on toilet training. Our society teaches us to feel shame about bladder and bowel functions, and this can prevent handling training in a natural, unemotional manner. Also, with today's fast-paced life style, parents often feel pressure to get their children trained quickly so they will be eligible for day care or pre-school. Could one of these things be a factor in your life?
Children go through different stages which help determine when they will be toilet trained. Somewhere between l2 and l8 months a child may first become conscious of when a bowel movement occurs. Between l8 and 24 months bodily awareness increases so a child can tell when a bowel movement is coming. At this age, a child may let his parents know when he has a soiled diaper. (This will eventually progress to letting them know beforehand!) At around two children move around independently so are able to use a potty chair. They also are developing the ability to understand what their parents expect of them.
Securing a potty chair is a good idea when you begin toilet training. Your child will need time to get used to this new thing, so first let him sit on the chair with his clothes on, with the freedom to get up and down as he pleases. He can then move to doing the same thing without diapers on.
Young children often fear the flushing of a bowel movement down the toilet because they interpret this as losing an important part of themselves. It may be best, therefore, to empty the potty into the toilet after your child has left the room. Bladder control often occurs almost simultaneously with bowel control, with very little effort on anyone's part. Both functions frequently develop in small steps, and setbacks are not uncommon. These may occur with emotional upsets, illness, travel, or a new baby in the family.
Motivation is a very important part of toilet training. Think about this in relation to your son. Does he seem to want to be like the adults or older children in the family? Does he like to do things on his own? Does he feel pride in having things in his life neat and orderly? These things often go along with successful toilet training. Talk with your son about what grown-ups do, and tell him that he is getting so grown up that he can now use the toilet the way his parents do.
A number of child development experts today believe that toilet training should be a matter of a child's own free will. They stress that a parent's role should be one of consistent, kind expectation, with mild praise for successes and encouragement when accidents happen or a child appears temporarily uninterested. They believe that coercion and criticism work less well and are more likely to cause problems in the future. Although you are feeling concerned because your son is almost three and not yet toilet trained, try not to show your impatience. He will definitely be trained one of these days - almost certainly before he goes to kindergarten!
A. Unfortunately biting is a fairly common behavior for toddlers. Their world is changing quickly with the new skills they are learning each day. However it is also a frustrating time for many little ones. Frequently their vocabulary and motor skills are not as developed as their thinking and observation skills. They cannot express or get what they want, and they grab, hit or bite to get it or to get attention. Perhaps he has seen another child bite or been bitten. Toddlers often bite when they are angry or in self defense.
You are right to want to stop this reaction as soon as possible, before it becomes a successful tool in his repertoire. At this point he is experimenting and learning new behaviors all the time.
The best way to eliminate a behavior is to avoid the circumstances that cause it. Try to pay attention to his frustration level. Look for signs that he is tired or anxious. Help him get the toy, open the book, or feed himself. Sometimes you may need to change the activity or situation. Be patient and explain what you are doing. Remember he is always watching everyone around him and learning not only how to do things but how to behave. You are modeling how to ask for help and handle frustration in a constructive way.
Children at this stage of development are very oral; they suck their fingers or thumbs, and put everything in their mouths. Sometimes this can also be a cause for biting. Try giving him a pretzel and show him biting is for food.
When trying to stop undesirable behaviors, it's important to not criticize the child, always address the behavior. For example don't say "Only bad boys bite", but rather "biting hurts people, it's not the way we treat the people we love"; then give him a reassuring hug.
A. Many children get attached to a "lovey." That's the politically correct term for a blanket or article that some children seem to need constantly. Most likely he will have separated from his blanket before he graduates from high school or gets married. (Sorry, someone said that to me when my son was still dragging around his blanket.)
Most likely your son will simply forget about his blanket one day. Now it helps him to feel secure. (Remember Linus from the Peanuts cartoon?) One of the things that you can do is not make a big fuss about it. Please do not tease him about his blanket. Try to keep it clean for health's sake. These items can get a little scrungy as time goes on. If it's difficult for him to relinquish even for washing, then let him help you to wash it. It could be washed with him when he is taking a bath; or he could wash it in the sink.
Young children like to play in water. He could help wring it out and hang it up in the sun where he can see it. If he is still attached to it when it is time to go to begin kindergarten, decide together on a place for the 'lovey' to stay while he is gone.
Some suggestions are:
* Let his favorite stuffed animal hold onto it for him.
* Put it in a corner of his dresser drawer.
* Put it in a special box that may contain other of his 'valuable' possessions.
Being away from his blanket for a few hours each day, could also help him develop specific times when he can have it at home. Bedtime, story time or when watching a favorite TV show may be acceptable times for blanket holding. When he neglects to get it for those specific times then you know that he is beginning the separation from it.
Your son will eventually put his blanket remnant away or forget it. Time does take care of most things. Enjoy your son and his 'lovey.' There will be more traumatic things to deal with in his future.
A. Newborns learn to be sociable by imitating their parents, first their facial expressions and then their gestures and movements. Thus the parent-child relationship in the earliest days sets the stage for future social development.
"Stranger anxiety," which your daughter has just started to show, is indeed shocking because it is so extreme and so different from her previous behavior. But it is, in fact, natural and predictable. It begins anywhere from five to eight months and lasts until 13 months or longer. It happens because at this age infants have developed the mental ability to clearly differentiate between people. Her parents now look different from others. In her mind, parents represent security and others, who do not look like them, are to be feared.
But this is just one stage in your daughter's social development, and her relation to others will continue to change. Between 12 and 15 months the panic becomes much less for many babies and they begin to enjoy being with others of their age. They do not play with each other but by themselves, often side by side. This will be a good age to expose your daughter to other children. It is very likely that she will want you to be there also.
When your daughter is about two and you are out together and meet a friend of yours, you may notice that she will run behind you, grab on to your legs, and turn her head away. But if you pay no attention to her she may emerge from her hiding place to get a look at the stranger and perhaps even reach out to her.
By the age of three, when you and your daughter meet a person she doesn't know, you may be able to calm any anxiety by talking with her, explaining who the person is and how you know her. Three year olds tend to be more independent and outgoing.
So social development, at least through age three, is a matter of your child's gradually reaching out, often in small ways, and often in your presence. The love and security which she will feel when she is with you will enable her to move into new relationships. These will expand as she grows older.
Each stage of social development can and does take place at different ages in different children. If you continue to help her to feel secure in new situations, and try not to compare her with other children, you and she will be able to appreciate each new stage as it occurs.
A. There are numerous books on the subject of getting your baby to sleep through the night. Sleeping through the night for most people means an uninterrupted stretch of sleep between the hours of approximately midnight and 5 a.m. Sounds wonderful, doesn't it? You are not alone in waiting for this blessed event to take place in your home. Suggestions on how to accomplish this ranges from letting your baby "cry it out" to bringing them into your "family bed". My feeling on this matter is to try one of the less extreme approaches.
What's important to keep in mind is that all babies are individuals and will accomplish this skill at various times in their development. On the average, babies develop desirable sleep patterns between the ages of four and six months. Parents can influence these patterns to some extent. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, following these simple tips can help establish good sleep patterns and prevent sleep problems:
1. Keep your baby as calm as possible by avoiding too much stimulation during the night so she can fall back to sleep easily. (A quick feeding and diaper change in a dimly lit room with little distraction is all she needs at 3 a.m.)
2. Try not to let your baby take long naps during the day.
3. As soon as your baby is tired, put her to bed. This way, she will learn to relax herself to sleep.
4. Rocking or holding a baby until she falls asleep creates a habit. Put her down while she is still awake.
5. Avoid putting your baby to sleep with a pacifier or bottle. (This may create a dependency that may hinder later sleep habits.)
Ultimately, your baby will sleep through the night when she is ready. A consistent schedule of care may aid the process. An evening bath and some soothing music can be a part of your routine if your baby enjoys this.
Try not to set yourself up for disappointment by expecting your child to sleep through the night by a particular date. Attempt to get as much rest as you possibly can. Take turns getting up with the baby. Hire a babysitter to take the baby out while you sleep. Ask a grandparent to stay with the baby for a night. Do whatever you can to get some rest and your stress will be alleviated.
Gradually, your baby will sleep for longer periods of time. You probably won't notice it until one morning, you awake with a startle and realize that it's five o'clock and you haven't heard a peep from your baby since midnight. Your reaction will be the same as all of those other parents before you. You'll rush into your baby's room and wake her up to assure yourself that she is O.K. Happy Parenting!
A. First of all, Congratulations! A beautiful event is about to take place in your lives. As the mother of 10-year old twin girls, I can relate first hand to hearing disparaging comments from other people. I can also fill you in with some tried and true advice to start you on your journey.
My suggestion to you and your husband is to relax and avoid unnecessary stress. Whether you work in or outside the home, allow yourself breaks during the day. Eat healthy, get enough sleep, and see your physician regularly. You want to try to do everything you can to stay healthy and deliver healthy babies. Do some reading on parenting twins. I recommend "The Joy of Twins" by Pamela Patrick Novotny. Attend childbirth classes. A trained childbirth educator can inform you of what to expect during a twin delivery.
Take a look at your home and make it as convenient as possible for your first few weeks at home with the babies. Place baskets of diapers, wipes and baby clothes on each level of your home to avoid running upstairs each time a baby needs changing. Also, keep a portable crib or cradle nearby if space permits.
Choose a comfortable chair or sofa for feeding times. Have necessities such as a telephone, beverage, and burp towels close at hand. Twins can be successfully breast fed, bottle fed or a combination of both. Decide which works best for you, and try not to let outsiders influence you.
You also may want to make a few important purchases before the twins arrive. Car seats are essential and hospitals insist that babies go home in them. Choose seats that are easily installed and fit snugly into the rear seatbelts of your car. A twin stroller can be a lifeline to a mom wanting to get out of the house solo with two babies. Shop carefully for the stroller that suits you best. Remember that you want to be able to use the stroller when the twins are several years old. My own set of twins who weighed 5 lbs. each at birth had a combined weight of 48 lbs. at one year. Place weights in the seats of the sample stroller as you push it through the store aisles and doorways before deciding which one to buy.
Accept help from family and friends. An extra pair of arms can mean all the difference when two babies need cuddling. Set your priorities. Aside from the babies' care, make a list of what is important to you. Try to do one thing from your list each day. You need to take care of yourself in order to be able to meet the needs of your family. Good luck to you and your husband as you enter this exciting phase of your lives.
A. Listening to your baby crying is one of the most upsetting things there is. (Don't we all wish babies could just tell us what is wrong?) The cause may be relatively easy to determine or it may never be determined. Babies have different personalities, just as do adults, so what is a problem for one may not affect another at all.
Begin by checking to see if she is hungry, tired, thirsty, has a wet or soiled diaper, is too warm (perspiring), or too cold (her neck, arms or body feels cool). Once you have determined that she is not ill, try:
If your baby is still crying after you've done all you can, try to live with it. (Take a break and listen to music, pick up a book, or do something else you enjoy for a little while.) It's not your fault, and both you and your baby will survive!