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A. Children who enjoy books are likely to become good readers. It is not too early to start sharing books with your daughter. Select those that are mostly pictures with a few words on each page, and set aside a regular time each day when you or your husband can read to her. Even at this age she can be an active participant. You might ask her to find the kitten in the picture, or turn the page to see what happens next. Continue this reading time as she gets older. When she goes to school and begins to read, she may also want to read to you.
Another thing you might try is to have "family reading time", which can start for a very few minutes and then get longer as she gets older. You, your husband and your daughter can each take a book and read to yourselves. Then each of you can share something that you learned or enjoyed. As soon as your daughter can talk she can do this using her picture books. Young children are great imitators, and you are her role model. This activity might even become a "family tradition" which you could all continue to enjoy.
Go to your local library and get library cards for each of you. Your daughter will love having her own. Use the library regularly, letting her select her own books. Many libraries have story time for children as young as two or three. When your daughter begins school and has questions for which she needs to find answers, look to your library as the first source of information.
As your daughter grows older, encourage relatives to give books as birthday and Christmas gifts. Grandparents can be very good at this. Introduce her to some of the classics that you read when you were young. They are available at major book stores in reasonably priced editions. They are not only good stories, but they will introduce her to people, places, and ways of life which she might otherwise know nothing about.
Don't forget children's magazines. There are a number of good ones for children from the ages of three or four into the teens. These will bring new worlds to her door each month, and she will love having something in the mail that is addressed to her.
A love of books can lead to success in school and to joy throughout one's life. Start now to introduce your daughter to this wonderful world.
A. I certainly agree with the letter writer that the child should not have been permitted to go back into the pool that day. But I disagree with the suggestion that a 'pop on the butt' would teach him to obey the pool rules. I believe that that child would be more inclined to obey the rules if he had been forbidden to return to the pool that day. The follow-up to that could be that the next time he is near any pool he should be asked what the rules are. Yes, you read it correctly. Ask him, "What are the pool rules?"
Then walk him around the pool and talk with him about the places where he is permitted to play and which areas are off limits to him. If he disobeys the rules again, then he should not be permitted to go into the pool for the rest of that day. That may mean that the parent or whomever is responsible for him may have to physically hold onto him or leave the pool area. Sometimes parents have to sacrifice their own pleasure to keep their children safe. Their children's safety is the parents' responsibility.
I also agree with the writer that children need to be taught to respect others not only in public but also at home. My suggestion for teaching respect is to 'SPARE THE ROD AND TEACH THE CHILD.' 'Popping a child on the butt' teaches children to hit someone to get what they want. If you want children to learn to be respectful of others my suggestions are:
* Respect children by treating them as human beings. (Respect begets respect.)
* Guide them toward doing things that occupy their minds and their time.
Keep children orderly in public by:
* Quietly reading to or with them.
* Providing simple art activities or playing quiet games together (I have found "I Spy" to be a successful 'stay in your seat and observe' game.)
* By engaging them in conversations about things around them, i.e., ants, trees, birds, clouds,etc.
Children are supposed to be active. Their activity is essential to their healthy growth. When they are made to sit in a "thinking chair" for an hour, I assure you, that they will not be thinking about what they did. They will probably be thinking about how to get out of the "thinking chair." Another method of dealing with unacceptable behavior is to quietly tell the child what you want. "I need you to sit with me until it's our turn." Notice that the request is spoken as a desire not as a command.
A. Help is on its way! Begin by seeing this child for himself. Do not compare him to any of your other children. Watch for positive behavior, no matter how small. Praise the things that he does to your satisfaction. Start with the simplest things; such as, when he wakes up in the morning tell him how much you like his happy face. Use feeling words " I like the way you gave me a hug," "brushed your teeth," or "waited until I changed the baby." Secondly, tell him what you want him to do. Putting him in the corner teaches him to go to somewhere for punishment but does not let him know what is expected of him. Sending him to his room makes his room a punishment place. Taking his toys away relates only if he is using his toys inappropriately. Let your son know in gentle tones what you like and what you do not like.
Let him hear you say positive things about him. Example: When your son is in hearing range, say to his father, "I wish you could have seen the way he was so patient while I was on the telephone. "or "Come and see how nicely he put his trucks on the shelf."
When he resorts to his fits, ignore them if his fits are not harming himself, anyone or anything. Try to recall what triggered that behavior. Had he been put on 'hold' beyond his endurance? Was he, frustrated, tired or hungry? I also suggest that you do some research on four year old behavior. This column does not have enough space to include extensive information on ages and stages. The Parent Talk and other Web sites are good resources. Although his behavior may be more extreme than that of your other children, you may find that he is acting his age. Try talking softly, that will help maintain a calmer atmosphere. Children are tuned into and imitate the behaviors that they see, hear and feel. Sometimes parents are not aware of how their own behavior is seen or felt by their children.
I believe that it could be to his advantage if he were enrolled in a nursery school or a play group a few days each week. Socializing with children his own age could also help him develop more acceptable behavior and give you both some time apart.
Teach the behavior that you desire by using that behavior yourself. If you do not want him to act a certain way then be sure that you and your husband are not acting that way.
A. There are several things which might be causing this new and unexpected behavior.
Since 3-year-olds are usually able to express themselves verbally, the first thing I would do is to talk with your son. Ask him questions such as: "What did you do today that was fun?" (If he felt that nothing was fun, it is likely that he will tell you). "Are there children in your class who are nice (or not nice)?" "Do things happen in school that make you angry?" (If yes), "What are they?" and "What do you do when you get angry?" "Does your teacher ever ask you to do things that are hard for you, or that you don't want to do?" (If yes) "What things?"
Next, I would arrange a meeting with your child's teacher. Ask her to tell you exactly what your son is doing that presents a problem in the classroom. Does she have any idea what might be causing it? What immediately precedes these unacceptable acts? What does she do when they happen?
Another thing to look at is your home situation. Have there been any changes recently that might have upset your son? Conflict between family members? A move from one place to another, loss of or change in a job, a death or serious illness in the family? Events of this sort may lead to frayed tempers and impatience, less attention being paid to a child, or a disruption of familiar schedules, any of which can be upsetting and lead to the behavior you described.
Violence on TV or violent video games can lead to aggressive behavior. Copying the actions of a TV or movie hero is not uncommon in young children. Does your son spend a lot of time watching these programs or playing violent video games? If so, how does he react to them?
If you have looked into all of the things listed above, you will have gathered quite a bit of information about your son. There may be a need for some changes in his home or school environment. Meet with his teacher again, share your ideas and make plans together. A clear, caring and consistent response will be needed when unacceptable behavior occurs either at home or at school.
A. It seems to me that your daughters are reacting to the recent changes in their daily routine as well as in your family environment. Although many parents have difficulty dealing with separation and behavioral issues when their children start school and at different stages in their child's development, yours seem particularly troubling to you because of the existing circumstances.
Children are smart and can sense when parents are stressed. Assure your children that they are loved and cared for. Establish routines surrounding meals and bedtime for your children and yourself. Allow enough time before school to discuss your plans for the day. Be aware of your own emotions around your children. Try not to have conversations about your marital situation in front of your children that could be confusing to them. Continue to give them attention at home and praise them for their good work at preschool. Give them permission and encouragement to talk to their teachers.
Teachers have a lot of experience dealing with difficult separations and communicating with children. They tend to be more objective in a situation because they do not have the emotional attachments that family members have. Talk to their teacher and find out how long they are upset and how much of a problem is caused by them not communicating their needs. Suggest a topic that interests your children and ask their teacher to bring it up in an effort to help them speak to them in class. Sometimes twins mimic the other twin's behavior. If you think this may be the case, have the teacher occasionally separate your daughters during some activities and observe their behavior during these times. Notice if the twins act differently in the absence of the other twin.
Be patient and understand that these types of behaviors usually disappear in time. Keep in touch with the teacher regarding their progress. In the event that these behaviors continue or worsen, seek professional advice from your children's physician.
A. Thank you for your question. You are to be commended for your concern and for thinking about your daughter's educational future.
Kindergarten offers opportunities for a variety of new experiences and for all kinds of learning: intellectual, social and emotional. Children who are advanced intellectually may very well be average or even below when it comes to social or emotional development. These things are just as important as intellectual ability in determining success in school and in later life. In kindergarten it is likely that your daughter will meet children from a variety of backgrounds, and learning to get along with them and appreciate their differences will be a great asset now and in the future.
She will have a chance to learn to take turns, to follow directions, and to work cooperatively with her classmates, as well as how to deal with anger and hurt feelings (her own and others). Success in these areas will help her to feel good about herself and about her school.
Teachers today are expected to understand and relate to children as individuals and to develop their particular abilities. One way this is done is to assign children with similar abilities to small groups, for a part of the day, to work on particular skills. Each group progresses at its own rate, and each child can have a successful experience.
I encourage you to become involved in your daughter's school. Get to know her teacher. Volunteer to help in the classroom if at all possible. Perhaps you and the teacher could plan together some specific ways the children can share their experiences and interests with the rest of the group.
Your daughter could teach some of the language the others do not know, and others could share from their backgrounds and cultural heritage. This would be meaningful to everyone. It would also give you an opportunity to see how your daughter functions in the classroom, and open the door to increased cooperation with her teacher to ensure that she has the best possible school experience.
A. You might want to check with a pediatric urologist. When all physical possibilities have been examined and no problem is identified there may be some other avenues to explore. When she was first potty trained, did you remind her often about her toileting needs? Could she have been "taught" to think about toileting several times during the day? How does she manage when she is thoroughly immersed in playing alone or with others? What about during special events? Does she have to urinate while watching a performance or other entertainment? How often does she have to urinate when she is engaged in a favorite activity? Does she need to urinate often when she is playing with other children or when you are traveling? Does she sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom? Does she wet the bed?
I seem to be asking more questions than I am answering, but all of these may help you to find the right solution. You did mention that her teacher said to ignore the problem. Has the teacher said how often she has to use the toilet at school?
Work hard at not reminding her. Let her tell you when she needs to urinate. If you are going on a long expedition carry a small potty or female urinol and a few disposable diapers with you. Do not let her know that you own these items or that you have them with you. These items are for your peace of mind. Parents have to work hard at knowing when to begin to let their children handle some of their own responsibilities.
A. Thank you for sending us your question. I am not clear about whether your son talked at one time and later stopped, or whether he has not yet begun to talk. So let's consider both situations.
An emotional cause is possible in both of these cases. If a child becomes very angry, afraid, or very sad, as a result of something that is going on around him, one way to respond is to withdraw from the situation by not talking. A trained counselor might be needed here to help him share his feelings and learn how to deal with his life more appropriately.
Probably the most common reason that children do not talk is that they do not hear well or do not hear at all. We learn to talk by listening to those around us, so if we do not hear there is no easy way to master speech. A speech therapist can help with this, along with certain mechanical devices, if a child has at least some hearing.
A third reason a child may not talk is that he suffers from a mild neurological problem which prevents certain impulses in the brain from working together in the proper way so that speech can develop. Speech therapists can often help with this situation also.
Another possibility for your son's lack of speech is called developmental delay. Although we think of children as developing certain skills at certain ages, in fact they develop at very different rates. I have known children who did not speak a word, and then all of a sudden started to speak in full sentences. And I have known others who began by saying a couple of words and then, very gradually, added more and more. Some of these children were five or even six before they spoke well.
However, the first thing I think you should do is to consult with your family doctor. Your job here is a very important one. You know your son better than anyone else does, and you will need to describe him carefully to your doctor. Tell him what your son's behavior is like at home. Even though he doesn't speak, does he understand you when you speak to him? How does he relate to other people? Does he act like a typical 4-year-old in his play and in other ways? Does he seem to be happy, or troubled? Your doctor can not only offer advice, but can also arrange for specialized testing if this seems called for.
A. At this age, your daughter probably wants to be with you and assist you with whatever you are doing. This offers a great opportunity for you to teach some things that will help her when she gets to school. Learning to pay attention and follow directions are two of these. Learning to identify colors and recognize and count objects up to ten are others. Children love to play "I'm looking at something that..." or "I'm thinking of something that...". You might say "I'm looking at something in this room that is the same color as my sweater". When she finds it, name the color. Or, "I'm thinking of a number that tells us how many fingers we have on one hand". Then both of you count these fingers.
The next thing I would do is to read to your daughter regularly. Show her by your enthusiasm how much fun reading can be. When she was younger, she probably enjoyed books that were mostly pictures, but now she will like those that tell a simple story along with pictures. As you read, you can help her develop listening skills and learn to draw conclusions. You might ask her why she thinks one of the characters did what he did, or whether she would have done that. You could stop reading at the end of a page, and ask her to tell you what she thinks will happen next. If you pick out a book to read a second time, ask her if she remembers what the story was about.
Take a walk and name the trees and flowers and their colors. Visit a museum that has exhibits for children and talk about what you see. The possibilities for this kind of activity are endless.
A major factor in you child's adjustment to school will be how she relates to the other children. Is she learning to share her toys? Talk to her about how it would feel if someone grabbed a toy from her, and how another child would feel if this were done to him. What could she do in these situations?
A. Very often, changes in a childıs normal routine can lead to sleep problems. It seems that your daughter has communicated her message rather clearly. She needs you next to her so that she can feel safe and secure. You need to show her other ways that she can feel this way without sleeping in your bed.
If this is a new behavior, you need to change it before it becomes a habit. Start with a consistent bedtime routine. This might involve a bath, a snack and reading her a book. Include a discussion of the dayıs events and how you plan to spend time together the next day. This conversation will reassure her that you are going to continue to be an integral part of her life. Keep the tone of the conversation pleasant. Try to avoid disagreements.
Make sure that she is tired and ready for sleep. Avoid television right before bed as it often causes excitability in children. Kiss her good night and tell her you will be in the next room if she needs you. If this works, great! If not, set up transitional steps to getting her to stay in her own bed. If she comes into your bed later, take her back to her own bed. Continue this pattern and remain firm.
If she really protests, you might then allow her to stay on the floor of your room, if you choose.Tell her that she must bring her own pillow and blanket. Try to place her in her own bed after she falls asleep. Eventually she may realize that her own bed is far more comfortable. Whatever you decide, remain consistent. You may have a few difficult nights, but in the long run, you will both sleep much easier.
Two that may be helpful to you are "Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems." by Richard Ferber or "Sleeping Like a Baby : A Sensitive and Sensible Approach to Solving Your Child's Sleep Problems" By Avi Sadeh.
You may need to seek help professional help as there may be underlying issues that may need to be addressed. Start by asking your family physician for advice. Good luck and keep me updated on how your daughter is doing.
A. Your question implies that your stepchild's mother is her primary caregiver and usually picks her up from daycare. A change in a child's normal routine, such as you described, may be seen by the child as a surprise and can quite often be disruptive and cause distress.
A similar difficulty often occurs with preschool children when they first arrive at school or daycare and need to say good-bye to their parents. This type of separation anxiety is usually short lived until a routine is established. During this adjustment period, you should always tell the child specifically when you will return for them and suggest something interesting that they can look forward to after school. Your specific problem can be approached in the same manner.
In order to solve this problem, it is imperative that all parents involved work together to arrive at the best possible solution. This may not always be easy in cases of divorce, however, it is necessary and in the best interest of the child.
The solution must include methods for keeping the child informed so she knows what to expect. On the way to the daycare, the parent dropping her off should talk with her and be sure she understands which parent will be picking her up. Gradually, the child should feel more comfortable and secure. Encourage her to ask questions and be sure to answer her clearly, honestly and in a caring manner.
To change the phone calling habits, you and her mother will need to work together to explain to her that it would work better for everyone if she called at a different time, perhaps to say goodnight. It is important that she hear the same thing from all parents.
Sometimes it is useful to read to a child about other children who live similar lifestyles. Several books on the subject should be available at your local library.
Experiment with these ideas to find out what works best. Establishing her trust with all parents involved is crucial for now, as well as in the future.
A. I agree that these questions are inappropriate, for several reasons. Children of this age do not have the mental ability to conceptualize all the possible answers and to make a rational choice. The reason for questions of this type, I believe, is that we are so anxious for our children to be happy that we give them unlimited choices for everything, or they may be attempting to teach their children how to make choices. But such parental behavior can have quite the opposite effect. It can lead children to very naturally believe that they "run the show", and that they can make all the decisions that affect them as well as their parents. This is not what most parents want, and it can result in conflict and unhappiness.
A better way to help a child make a choice would be to offer two sensible alternatives. These should be ones that are not only readily grasped by the child, but easy and convenient for the parent to carry out. For example, the question "What do you want for lunch?" could be rephrased as "Would you like a hot dog or a peanut butter sandwich?" This gives the child a chance to make a choice which should make him happy, and in addition limits the field to what the parent has on hand. It puts control in the hands of the parent.
As children grow older they can learn to analyze situations for themselves.
One of the significant predictors of success in adult life is the ability to make good choices. This involves making a realistic assessment of one's abilities and goals, the environment in which one lives, and the ability to determine what the result of a particular choice is likely to be. Helping children make choices as they grow up will give them a head start in this process.
A. Yes, you must be concerned about your children's television viewing habits. Children are easily influenced and although there are many good television programs, there are also some that can have a negative effect on your children. Parents need to monitor the content as well as the amount of time that their children watch television.
Children learn communication skills by interacting with people face-to-face. They learn about their environment by using all five senses and interacting with the world around them. Time spent watching television takes away from time to explore, learn and grow.
Poor habits may develop as a result of too much television viewing. Children can become sedentary, becoming the proverbial couch-potato. Increased viewing time means less time for playing sports, exercising, or doing homework. Some children eat too many high calorie snacks and become overweight as a result of too much television. Educators find children are reading less and lack conversational skills as a result of too much television. Young children are sometimes unable to distinguish between fantasy and reality. Parents need to view some shows with their children and explain to them what is real and what is not.
According to some studies, television violence has been linked to an increase in aggression in some children. The amount of violence that is presented in shows can also desensitize children.
Recently, several teenage children were seriously injured when they copied stunts they viewed on a controversial show, which depicts actors performing hazardous stunts. Despite the disclaimers, these children took it upon home. Similar situations have occurred with youngsters imitating professional wrestlers.
Despite the negatives, this does not mean that all television is bad. Choose shows together, selecting some that are educational, and some that are entertaining. Set limits for your children. Tell them how much time can be spent watching. Not all shows are appropriate for all ages. Plan to watch together as a family and make use of show subjects in conversation afterwards.
A. You are in a difficult position wanting to please the parents while providing an appropriate curriculum for your students. Challenging a toddler to do something his body is not ready for may provoke frustration and result in future disinterest in sports.
Most parents are very eager to watch the developmental stages of their children from infancy. They celebrate when babies take their first steps and utter their first words, particularly when these milestones occur at a younger age than expected. It is not surprising that parents want their toddlers to excel at sports at an early age too. Predictably, the first toy that many parents buy for their babies is often a ball.
You may find it helpful to first praise the parents on what a good job they have done thus far in building the foundation for their children to excel in the future in both sports and other activities. Then turn to explaining how 3-year-olds are still learning basic motor skills.
Discuss how their children's fine motor skills are developing, and the types of activities that can be encouraged at home to help strengthen their changing skills. Remind them of how last year, some students may have been struggling to hold a crayon, and this year they are starting to draw pictures. Point out how this order of events builds confidence and self-esteem. Tell them that toddlers need to feel good about their accomplishments. Offering praise is very important at this time.
Let the parents know that gross motor skills also have a normal developmental sequence. Although children between the ages of three and four typically can throw a ball, run around obstacles and balance on one foot, they are not ready for an organized sports program, physically or cognitively. Parents need to be aware that the ability to follow directions is also a very important part of readiness for all sports. Challenges such as obstacle courses and simple games allow children to learn to follow directions while strengthening their muscles. Point out that your school will offer the kinds of activities that provide age appropriate programs for cognitive and physical readiness.
Meet with your staff and be sure that everyone understands your preschool's philosophy. Stress the reliance on long-standing developmental patterns and how your program provides a positive learning experience. Stick together and hold firm to your beliefs that 3-year-old children should occupy their time at preschool engaging in age appropriate play and related activities. Good Luck!
A. Today, instead of calling people with a mental or physical deficit "retarded" or "disabled", we have started to use the term "challenged". This word implies that the person will be able to manage or even overcome his deficit with some extra effort and assistance. In your son's case, since he is only mildly retarded, this is a helpful way to look at the situation facing you. You are wise to begin thinking about this while your child is still young.
The first thing I would suggest is that you contact your local mental health or mental retardation center. They will be able to provide or recommend different kinds of help, such as appropriate preschool placement, ideas for you about how best to help him, and special activities for children with special needs in which he can participate. They can also do testing to determine his particular areas of weakness. Often mildly retarded individuals have some normal abilities. Obtaining this information early will help you make the best possible plans for your son.
Remember that a major factor in anyone's development is how he feels about himself. You can help him feel good about himself by teaching him with patience and praising him liberally for his accomplishments. It is likely that he will be able to learn many of the things that normal children learn; it will just take him a little longer. Your expectation is very important here. If you convey the idea that you expect him to succeed, he is likely to try hard. Since your son will probably be able to hold a job and manage many aspects of his life on his own, you will need to teach him a variety of basic skills.
One of the things that sometimes happens in families where one child has special needs is that parents spend a disproportionate amount of their time and energy on him. Their other children may then grow up resenting their sibling and feeling that they are not loved as much as the special needs child. While it is a reality that your youngest child will need more help with some things than your other children, you do not want this to be at their expense. One way to handle this would be to enlist your older children as partners in helping their younger brother succeed. Not only will this experience make them feel good about themselves (and their brother), it will give them sensitivity and special skills which will last a lifetime.
A. I congratulate you for wanting to learn effective disciplinary methods that work better than spanking. Here are a few tips that may help you in the future.
Tell your grandchild the rules, then follow through with the consequences. Spanking is not a consequence. A possible consequence could be that your grandchild would have to sit on a chair or stool across the room from the dresser. When you tell him what not to do, remember to tell him what to do. In the case of the drawer pull you could touch it gently and say, "Nice" or "Pretty". Then take his hand and smooth it over the item as you continue to say, "Nice." This will help him to understand what you expect.
If you have to open the drawer in his presence explain that grandmom will do this. Explain with few words; i.e. "This is grandmom's. Only grandmom will open it." He may return to the drawer pull since it is an off limits item. He may persist because now he can do something that will engage your full attention. You need to be just as persistent in reminding him that he is not to touch it.
Let him know how sad or angry you will be if he touches it. Say things like "I don't like that" or "Grandmom is very angry with you when you keep touching it." Show your anger in your face and with very firm (not loud) words. Be as persistent as he is. Two-year-olds have a lot of endurance. Praise him with a hug and a "Thank you for not touching that." Let him know how pleased you are when you recognize that he is practicing his self control.
The point here is that children need to be taught what is expected of them. Hitting teaches violent behavior and encourages children to be sneaky. Teach the desired behavior. Remember "You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar."
A. What a frightening experience you had with your daughter. Parents dislike having the feeling of helplessness when it comes to their children. We all want to be proactive and alleviate a bad situation. Believe it or not, you did the right thing by doing nothing.
It appears as if your daughter experienced a night terror. During a night terror, a child appears to be awake, can often walk and talk, and often has a strange almost possessed look about them. A child is not actually awake when experiencing a night terror, although they appear to be. Allowing the child to settle down on their own and to continue on to a more normal sleep pattern is the best way to handle the situation. They often do not remember the episode the next day. By not waking your daughter, you correctly responded to your daughter's night terror.
Night terrors usually happen during the first few hours of sleep. They can occur at any age, most frequently between the ages of three and eight. They are not harmful, although they may, understandably, frighten the parents. It is advisable to watch over them during an episode, as some children sleepwalk . You should refrain from waking them. If indeed your child responded to you during the event and described her scary dream, this would be considered a nightmare. Nightmares occur more frequently than night terrors. The best way to handle a nightmare, is to reassure your child that she is safe. Do this by turning on the light and checking out her closet and under her bed . Put her back to bed and guide her into thinking about pleasant thoughts. A night light or flashlight might make her feel more secure.
Establishing a peaceful bedtime routine can reduce the occurrence of night terrors and nightmares. Include a warm bath, read a favorite story or listen to soft music. Some children enjoy the book "There's a Nightmare in my Closet" By Mercer Mayer. Avoid allowing your child to become overly tired. Night terrors and nightmares can be upsetting to parents. If the night terrors are recurring or interfering with your child's life in any way, consult your physician for professional advice.
A. Your situation is one that has caused considerable concern over the years. At one time it was thought that bedwetting occurred when a child was in a very deep sleep, and that if we got him up late at night and took him to the toilet, he would not wet the bed. This did not prove to be the critical factor, though it can be somewhat helpful. We now know that bed-wetting is caused primarily by immaturity of the bladder. It is not large enough to hold urine all night. Like skills such as walking and talking, development occurs at different ages in different children. Bedwetting has also been found to run in families.
By age 3 1/2, two-thirds of all children are dry at night. By four, three-quarters are dry. By age eight, 90-95 percent are dry at night, and by age twelve only 2-3 percent still wet the bed.
You may be wondering whether your son's bed-wetting could be caused by some physical problem. If his bed-wetting persists, and there has not yet been a long period of dryness; and if he is growing well and has no other symptoms, this is usually not significant and no problem exists. If, however, he has difficult or painful urination, unexpected recurrent fever, increased consumption of water or other fluids, or stomach ache, your doctor should be consulted.
So, if none of these warning signs is present in your son, what should you be doing to help him become dry at night? The answer is: very little. Since this is a physiological condition based on maturity, your son will be naturally dry when his body develops to a certain point. You can, however, tell him that he will be dry at night when he is a little older; ask that he try to stay dry if he can; and praise him whenever he achieves this.
When a child enters school, or even into adolescence, he may become embarrassed and begin to suffer low self-esteem because he is not able to go to camp or sleep-overs with his friends. Parents then need to look for ways to build his self esteem, such as recognizing achievements and praising success. Fortunately, there are now more things available to help; specially designed protective undergarments; a buzzer that rings when the bed first gets wet to remind the child to get up and go to the toilet; pills to increase the amount of urine the bladder will hold; and even a nasal spray to decrease the amount of urine that is made during sleep.
The most important things you can do right now are to show understanding of your son's situation; exhibit a consistent, positive attitude; and wait patiently for sufficient development to occur. And when he finally does stay dry at night, you can both celebrate!
A. Any separation, such as the scene you describe, is difficult for everyone concerned. In your case It's hard on your child, the other care givers, and most of all, yourself. Many parents deal with separation issues at different stages in their child's development. It is very common and usually lasts for a short time.
When changes in a child's behavior occur suddenly, this may be a reaction to a disruption in his or her home environment. Children are smart and can sense when a parent is stressed. Assure your child that she is loved and cared about. Be aware of your own emotions around your child. Does the tone of your voice reflect your anger? Is she hearing conversations about your own separation that could be confusing or frightening to her? Are you giving her less attention at home?
Teachers usually have experience dealing with difficult separations. They tend to be more objective in the situation because they don't have the emotional attachment that family members have. Talk to the teachers and ask how long the crying lasts after you have gone. Find out if your child participates in the classroom activities and generally seems content for the rest of the day. Once you have established that you are satisfied with the care that your child is receiving, discuss how you wish to handle the separation scene.
Grandparents, on the other hand, do have emotional attachments and often have a more difficult time dealing with these situations. You may need to talk about how your child is being dealt with once you have left. Often family members will bribe or overly coddle the child to make her happy. Discuss the plan that you and the day care teachers have come up with and see if grandmother is willing to cooperate and be consistent with your plan at her own home.
The following are some suggestions you may want to try:
1. Keep your child on a regular sleep schedule. A well-rested child is usually a happier one.
2. Allow enough time in the morning to discuss the plans for the day. Have a quick breakfast together and let your child know if she's going to day care or Grandmother's.
3. Plan a short activity that you can do with your child after work. Keep this very simple. Examples might include a brief stop at the park, playing a favorite game or reading a book at home. These activities should not cause emotional or financial stress for you.
4. When you arrive at day care or Grandmother's house and the crying begins, assure your daughter that it's O.K. to cry. It's better to give a child permission to cry than to have her feelings denied or belittled. Give your child a brief hug and a kiss and remind her of the activity that you'll do together after work. Hand her over to her care giver and leave quickly.
Children are individuals and react differently to various situations. Consistency among care givers as well as warm and loving support, should alleviate some of the stress that your child is experiencing. In the event that the situation worsens, speak to your family physician for further advice. Good Luck.
A. Children who enjoy books are likely to become good readers. It is not too early to start sharing books with your daughter. Select those that are mostly pictures with a few words on each page, and set aside a regular time each day when you or your husband can read to her. Even at this age she can be an active participant. You might ask her to find the kitten in the picture, or turn the page to see what will happen next. Continue this reading time as she gets older. When she goes to school and begins to read herself she may also want to read to you.
Another thing you might try is to have "family reading time," which can start for a very few minutes and then get longer as she gets older. You, your husband and your daughter can each take a book and read to yourselves. Then each of you can share something that you learned or enjoyed. As soon as your daughter can talk she can do this using her picture books. Young children are great imitators and you are her role model. This activity might even become a "family tradition" which you could all continue to enjoy.
Go to your local library and get library cards for each of you. Your daughter will love having her own. Use the library regularly, letting her select her own books. Many libraries have story time for children as young as two or three. When your daughter begins school and has questions for which she needs to find answers, look to your local library as the first source of information.
As your daughter grows older, encourage relatives to give books as birthday and Christmas gifts; grandparents can be very good at this. Introduce her to some of the classics that you read when you were young, such as "Tom Sawyer" and "Little Women." They are available at major book stores in reasonably priced editions. They are not only good stories, but they will introduce her to people, places, and ways of life which she might otherwise know nothing about.
And don't forget children's magazines. There are a number of good ones for children from the ages of three or four into the teens. These will bring new worlds to her door each month, and she will love having something in the mail which is addressed to her.
It has been shown that the ability to read well is the major predictor of success in school, and reading is also a wonderful activity which can bring joy throughout one's lifetime. You will be giving your daughter a special gift by introducing her to the world of books.
A. Adopted children will ask many questions during their lifetime. Thinking ahead about how you plan on answering some of these questions is a wonderful idea.
It is wise for adoptive parents to incorporate the words "adoption" and "birth parents" into their conversations from the time the child is quite young. When your child starts asking questions, be careful as to how much information you give. Only answer enough to satisfy your child without going over her head. She may ask the same question when she is older and better equipped to understand a more detailed answer. Many books are available on adoption that may help you answer some of the more difficult questions. "Talking With Young Children About Adoption," by Mary Watkins and Susan Fisher, is one book you might find helpful. Another book that you could read to your daughter is "How I Was Adopted," by Joanna Cole.
One task that you may have as an adoptive parent is that of helping your child develop a sense of her own cultural identity outside of her role as your daughter. Her physical features may be apparent enough for her to be curious as to why she looks the way that she does. This may be an opportunity for you to show her some photographs of people living in China and discuss the culture and her biological background. You may wish to enroll her in a Chinese language class. It is important to discuss this part of her background in as positive a way as you discuss your own family history. This is something that makes her special and unique.
How much you choose to talk about adoption is strictly up to you as each situation is different. The most important thing is to allow for a positive and loving environment where communication can flourish and your daughter's feelings can be expressed throughout her life. Your child will recognize that all families are different. Some children are adopted and some are biological. Whatever components comprise the family, it is the love and understanding that holds it together.
A. The first thing to do is to let her know that you love her and you are proud of her success in kindergarten. Praise her efforts when she brings work home to show you. Next, you could ask her teacher whether there are other shy children in her class, and invite one of them to join your family for a movie, a picnic, or just an afternoon of play at your home. Feeling comfortable with one child is often the first step to relating to those in a larger group.
When you speak with your daughter try not to use the word "shy" nor mention her shyness within her hearing. People, adults as well as children, tend to behave the way others expect them to behave.
The ability to relate easily to other people is something that children learn at different ages, just as they learn to talk and walk at different times. Only children are often slower to learn relationship skills than those with brothers and sisters because they miss the natural give and take which exists in a family with more than one child.
Studies have shown that certain personality traits, such as shyness, tend to be inherited just like blue eyes or brown hair. But unlike physical characteristics, personality traits can be modified. People tend to change their behavior when they have a reason to do so. Two members of my family, who are now adults, have told me that they were shy as children, but as adults they appear out-going and not at all shy. Both of them chose careers where relating to a number of different people was required.
Recently I asked a middle school child whether it had been difficult for her to go from a small school to a much larger one. (She had been shy as a younger child.) She answered "No, it's better for me now because I talk more." She seems to have decided that shyness did not serve her well in this larger and more complex environment.
It is likely that your daughter's shyness will gradually decrease. You can encourage this by inviting a classmate to your home on a regular basis and by letting her know that you think she is a great girl just as she is. Good luck!
A. It's important to understand that temper tantrums are a normal part of growing up. They are a way for a child to let off steam when he is upset or frustrated. Your son is more likely to have a tantrum when he is tired, hungry, or unable to express himself or do something he thinks he can.
Sometimes a parent can see a tantrum coming on. Your son might be cranky or moody and start to whine. Be alert for situations which lead to tantrums. You might not be able to prevent all tantrums but you can reduce the chances of a tantrum if you're aware of some of his stress points. Help him to tell you how he is feeling: encourage him to express his emotions, particularly anger, in words instead of actions. This is an important skill for life. As much as possible avoid situations that will frustrate him. When you go shopping, be prepared with healthy snacks for when he gets hungry, and don't try pushing his limits with one more errand when you know he is tired. Try to stick to a routine, so he knows what to expect. Small children have short attention spans and need time to play. Sometimes just a short break or distraction will ease a situation. A silly face or tickle or hug might be all it takes to interrupt the start of a tantrum if you're alert and act before it gets full blown.
Don't expect him to be perfect. But you need to set reasonable limits for your son and stick to them. Giving in or changing the rules only encourages your son to test you more often. Also be choosy about saying "no". If you deny his every request, he may become frustrated and defiant. If his request is not unreasonable consider saying "yes". When my son was three he loved school busses. If he behaved well while shopping, we would drive by the bus yard on the way home to look at the busses. It only took a few minutes of my time and made his day.
When your child does have a temper tantrum, you must try to remain calm. Shouting or getting angry will only make it worse. Also, the more attention you give to this behavior the more likely it will happen again. Try holding him or standing beside him without talking until he calms down. Then try to get him interested in something else.
It is very important not to reward him for stopping a tantrum. A reward will teach him that a tantrum will help him get his way.
Your child should have fewer tantrums by the end of his fourth year. By then he should be able to communicate better, do more for himself, and learn to control his temper. I would not be concerned unless his tantrums become more frequent or violent, or he causes harm to himself or others during them. Your pediatrician can also give you advice to help you deal with his outbursts and make sure there are no underlying health or emotional problems.
A. You are certainly not alone. Many mothers are overwhelmed by the stresses and challenges of raising a family. It is particularly difficult without a support network. So many young families don't live near their extended family - parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. who could be there to answer questions, give advice and companionship. I lived 2000 miles from family when my first two children were small, and understand how you feel. It is very important to develop your own support network from the resources around you and in your community.
Make time for yourself. You've already realized that your emotional well being determines how good a mother and wife you are. So take a class, learn a craft, join an exercise class or gym. I learned to play bridge, and joined a group of women who played bridge one evening a month, I became good friends with some of them and was invited to join some of their other activities. Our "bridge night" sometimes became our "therapy night" as we struggled with raising our families.
If the weather is nice take the kids for a walk or to a playground or park. You'll probably meet other young mothers also looking for someone to talk to. Perhaps you can find or start a play group where you get together with several other mothers with children the same age as yours. The children play together while the parents chat, exchange advice and support each other. Ask other parents you may meet at your children's nursery school, day care, or soccer practice if they are interested in a play group or a hobby you enjoy and could share.
Parent workshops can give you advice on specific topics such as sibling rivalry, discipline, or terrible 2's, and the opportunity to have adult discussions.
There are also parent groups where parents meet to discuss their frustrations and support each other through the stresses of raising children. For information on a location near you , call the Peace Center, 215-750-7220 or the YWCA, 215-639-9550.
A. You are a wise mother to be thinking about what is the most important and the most difficult job a person will ever have. There are many things that affect a child's behavior. Today I will talk about one: consistency.
Consistency means that what you decide and what you do are in agreement. You decide what you want to do in a particular situation and then you do it each time that situation occurs. Lets look at a few examples:
Suppose you decide that it's not a good idea to buy your son a toy every time you go to the grocery store. You tell him what you have decided and why. (You are at the store for another reason; he has too many toys already; you buy toys at the toy store where there is more to choose from; or whatever your reason is.) After you and he have had this conversation, you go to the grocery store and your son asks for a particular toy. As all parents quickly learn, if you say "no" to your child at this point , he is likely to whine and cry and cause a commotion in the store. This is embarrassing to you because everyone near you turns to watch what is happening. If you follow the rule you have made, you will say "no", reminding him of what you have decided and why. Or you will let him have the toy and tell yourself that this will not happen again.
Is it difficult to be consistent when you find yourself in this situation? Absolutely! There is probably no parent who has not given in to a child in this kind of situation. It happens not only because his behavior is embarrassing you, but because you are probably tired at the end of a long day. You are thinking about fixing dinner, the evening routine which follows, and other things you have to deal with in the near future. Letting your child have a small toy seems very unimportant at the moment.
But let's look at what your child will have learned from the experience. He has learned that Mommy said he couldn't buy toys at the grocery store, but she has just bought him one. He has also learned that if he fusses and cries he can get what he wants, even if Mommy has said he couldn't have it.
So, even though it can be difficult, make every effort to stick to your original decision. And you will find, after you have done this several times, that it will become easier. Instead of thinking that he will get toys at the grocery store, your child will begin to realize that there is no reason to whine and cry when he sees something he wants. He will learn his mother means "no" when she says it.
Bedtime is often a difficult time for children and their parents. Consistency can help a great deal here. Young children usually resist going to bed, begging for "just a few more minutes of play". Instead of the nightly hassle which can result, you can plan what you want to have happen each evening.
As with the toy in the grocery store, if you do not follow through with your plan your child will think that you didn't really mean it. He will fuss in an attempt to stay up until he decides he is ready for bed. If, however, you do stick to the routine you have established, bedtime can become an ordinary (even pleasant!) part of the day for both of you.
A. The beginning of conflict between children is often the birth of the second child. The first child may, quite logically, be wondering why his parents had a second child when they already had him. Wasn't he enough? Jealousy about sharing love and parents can turn into actual attacks on his new brother or sister.
You can modify this by having the older child help you care for the infant right from the beginning. Even a young child can go get a diaper or a toy or talk to the baby when he cries. You can tell him what a good job he is doing and all the good things that he can do that the baby can't. As your children grow, the older one can help the younger one to get dressed, to find toys, to learn a new game, or perhaps sit and listen to a story he has just learned to read. The younger child will come to depend on his older brother or sister who will increasingly feel that he is an important part of the family.
The term "family values" has been used in so many ways that it is hard to tell what it really means. But "expectations", which are related to values, are very important to the development of satisfying family life. What do you expect of yourself as a parent, of your children, and of all of you as a family? Do you expect each family member to show respect for the others? To take care of each other? To resolve conflict peacefully? Or some other things? These concepts can be discussed with children from an early age. "In this family we ..." This will then become part of their thinking as they grow up.
If you want to demonstrate how to resolve conflicts peacefully, you can intervene when your children are starting to fight. Ask them to sit down with you, and give each one a chance to explain what he is upset about and what he wants. Then ask each child to think of how he might be able to get what he wants without fighting. (You can help with some ideas, if necessary, but the children will feel good if they can figure it out themselves.)
One of the most important things you can teach your children is how their behavior affects other people. If one child hits another, you might say, "Johnny, you hurt your brother. I'm sure you didn't really want to do that." (In fact, he probably did want to do that at that moment, but your expectation of him is clear.) If one child grabs a toy from another, you could ask him to think about how he would feel if his sibling did that to him. As he grows older, and you continue to remind him about his behavior and the feelings of others, he will become increasingly able to deal successfully with the world in which he lives.