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A. Many years ago spanking was accepted. The rules have changed. Spanking is punishment. Punishment means to cause suffering. The accepted method of child rearing is discipline. Discipline means to teach. Spanking can lead to abuse. Spanking teaches a child that you have to hit/hurt someone in order to get what you want. So what is a parent to do? A parent's role is to teach. Teach the acceptable behavior. Teach what you want the child to do.
For example: If a child crayons on the wall that child needs to learn the acceptable place to use crayons. An appropriate discipline could be to have the child clean the crayon off the wall. Next teach the child where it is appropriate to use crayons. If drawing on the walls continues then the child could be told "I see you are not ready to use crayons properly. I will take them away until I think you are ready."
Another way to help the child learn would be to give him/her one crayon and a paper and sit with him while he colors. Assign a place to use crayons. Sometimes when a parent uses spanking he will say "Don't let me catch you doing that again." That message can be translated to mean, you can do it if I don't see you. Spanking makes the child want to do whatever he chooses when the parent is not looking. Spanking brings resentment.
It is important to remember that discipline means to teach; punishment means to cause suffering. Treat others as you want to be treated, children are "others."
Research has shown that parents who hit children are risking long-term harm that outweighs the short-term benefit of quick obedience. The Center for Effective Discipline, sponsors of SpankOut Day USA, April 30th, advocates the use of child-rearing practices that help develop caring, responsible, self-disciplined adults through positive discipline methods:
A. I commend you for noticing and valuing your daughter's creativity. There are certainly things you can do so that it will continue to develop. Here are a few:
1. Encourage her to continue to make up plays, as well as paint and draw pictures and talk about them. You could volunteer to write down what she tells you. As she grows older, she will be able to do this for herself.
2. Read a story to your daughter. Stop before it is finished, and ask her how she would like it to end, or how she thinks it will end.
3. Suggest that she paint or draw a picture and give it as a birthday gift to a family member, or as a special Christmas gift. In future years she may be able to give poems and stories also. It is likely that these gifts will be appreciated far more than anything she might buy in a store.
4. Encourage your daughter to make holiday decorations and her own Halloween costumes, helping her as needed. Think together about everyday items that might be used in very different ways. Save or display these items if possible.
5. Take her to childrens' theater productions and childrens' concerts if these are available in your area. Drama or music may become ways she expresses herself as she grows older.
The most important thing you can do, I believe, is to involve yourself in your child's creative development. This can take the form of praising her efforts, talking about what she has done, and displaying her productions in your home. However, actually working on some of her projects with her will probably reap the greatest benefits. Children, especially young ones, tend to want very much to be like their parents and to be able to do what they do. Your active involvement will encourage her to experiment and will give her confidence to try using her abilities in new and varied ways. These special times together will be remembered by both of you well into the future.
A. My first thought is that I can certainly understand your shock. It seems that you had no idea this was coming, and you may not even have known that this type of program existed. It is easy to move from this initial feeling to the idea that there is something wrong with your son, or with you. This is not the case. Pre-first grade is becoming a more common way to help some children prepare for a successful school experience.
Immaturity can be of several types: intellectual, emotional, social, or physical. Evidently your son's teacher did not specify which of these apply to him. However, in your case, age should be considered a critical factor. An August birthday means that he would be almost a year younger than many others in his class, and he might even be the youngest. A few months at this age can make a great deal of difference in a child's level of development, and his readiness for first grade. Thus the recommendation of a pre-first class is not at all surprising to me.
I have observed several situations like yours, and the outcome of a pre-first year has been very positive. The most important part of all this is that you can expect your son to feel increasingly good about himself and about his ability to face school. I suggest that you follow this teacher's recommendation, and that you all look forward to a happy and succesful experience next year.
A. At one time or another most parents feel sorry for their children when their children's desires are not satisfied. It's natural for parents to want to protect their children from anything unpleasant. It is also important for parents to teach their children how to deal with disappointments. Here are a few skills that may help you to cope with your children's disappointments.
* Try to recognize why their disappointments are so painful to you. Try to recall the ways that some of your childhood disappointments were handled. Did anyone sympathize with you? Were you teased or punished for showing your feelings? What could have helped you to accept and find a substitute for your disappointment? When you can deal with your own disappointments, you will be better equipped to help your children deal with theirs.
* Try to avoid doing to/with your children whatever was unhelpful for you, when your plans were changed.
* Acknowledge their pain but try to be objective; that is, keep your own emotions in check so that you can help them focus on and resolve their problem.
* Acknowledge their disappointment: "I recognize how upsetting it must be for you to have to change your plans."
* Accept their feelings: "I know that you are feeling very sad about this.
* Express your feelings: "I'm sorry that you will not be able to go to Mary's party, but I feel it is important for you to be with us at our family reunion."
* Suggest some ways to cope: "It may help to write about how you feel when you are disappointed."
* Use whatever has caused the disappointment to teach a positive lesson: Talk about how a change in plans can be an opportunity to do something new or different.
* Tell your children about some of the methods you used to cope with some of your childhood disappointments.
More about disappointments from Alice:
Help your children to understand that disappointments happen, and that we can learn from them. It may be helpful for them to hear examples of famous peoples' disappointments. I am sure that it was disappointing to Dr. Seuss to have his first children's book, "To Think That I Saw It On Mulberry Street," rejected 28 times before it was accepted and published.
A. The first thing I would do is to be sure that they write "thank-you notes" to those who gave them gifts at Christmas. It is not too late now to acknowledge these gifts. If one of your children is too young to write, ask them to tell you what to say and you can write it down. Your child can illustrate the letter with a drawing.
Writing these letters will require the child to think about the gift, what he likes about it, and how he is using it. Talk with him about the person who gave it and what effort went into the choice of the gift and how much the person cared about him by remembering him at Christmas.
Show your children by your own behavior what gratitide is. When one of them does something that you have asked him to do, thank him and tell him how much you appreciate it. Your sincere "thank you" will make him feel good and will show him that you value him and what he can do.
Take walks or drives with your children and observe a beautiful sky, summer flowers, or fall foliage. Express gratitude yourself for the things that are important to you, perhaps the love of your family, or the opportunity to take a special trip together.
Practice saying "Aren't we lucky that..." to your children, and one day you may hear this from them also. They will then be on "the right track" to becoming the kind of people you want them to be.
* Let your children know your concerns.
* Join your children in playing active and/or table games. Twister, Pictionary, Charades are a few suggestions for indoor, active games.
* Get them involved with helping you plan some outdoor activities that the whole family can enjoy.
* Plan family walks and/or hikes. This is a good opportunity to introduce all of your children to bird watching and identifying. Observe, identify and collect and catalogue, rocks, plants etc.
* Plan meals to be eaten outside and include fun things to do. Assign each child a task that is important to the success of the meal.
* Introduce and teach your children how to play tag, touch football, jump rope, dodge ball, hopscotch or similar games.
* Invite some of your children's school friends to your home. Play dates seem to be a favorite social activity these days. Forbid looking at television or playing television games/videos when guests are present.
* Do your children have bicycles, scooters or skates? Many of these items can be purchased from Salvation Army or other secondhand stores. YM/YWCA's often receive donations of outdoor play items which they distribute at their discretion.
* Make a rule to turn the television on at show time and turn it off when the show is over.
* Limit your children's television viewing to one or two hours per day.
A. Experts say play is important for children of all abilities because it lays the foundation for reading, writing, mathematical reasoning and creativity. Although play is the essential joy of youth, it is also the primary way in which children learn about themselves, others and their world. If play is a child's work, then toys are the important tools of play. So you are right to believe that choosing the right toys (tools) for your children is very important.
Rather than stressing the kinds of toys you don't want for your children, tell relatives about the kinds of toys that you think will encourage their social, emotional and creative skills. Young school age children such as yours enjoy play that requires strategy and skill. Board games, electronic games, tabletop sports and building sets are all favorites that enhance skill building as well as social skills as they follow directions and take turns. They also love learning new information and experiences and enjoy science, craft and magic kits.
When my son was about 5, I gave him his own personalized crafts box filled with colored paper, scissors, glue, markers, Play-Doh, stickers, cut-out shapes to trace, yarn. He loved it and we would periodically refill it with new supplies that interested him. Initially we spent many hours together creating, later he entertained himself and then taught his younger sisters.
Your children probably possess enough physical skills and coordination to enjoy junior versions of adult sporting equipment. You can encourage relatives to not only buy a baseball glove, soccer ball, or hockey stick and appropriate protective gear, but also to spend some time teaching your children the sport. Playing a game, making a puzzle together, or learning a sport also provides an opportunity to learn more about the personality, abilities and special interests of your children.
The richest play occurs when parents or other adults play alongside the children, and years later they will remember fondly these special times with their special adults.
A. You are not alone in wondering about this. The answer is multi-faceted. Yes, our movies have desensitized not only children, who have fewer life experiences to draw from, but also many adults. Children often express their first thought before they weigh the situation. Your son's expression of, "That's cool" showed that he had not processed what was really happening. Nowadays so much information comes into our homes via television that it is difficult to sort out what is real and what is fictional. I am glad that you were able to calm yourself before you spoke to him.
As far as your 4-year-old is concerned, I can only guess that her thoughts were, "This is adult stuff. It does not concern me." Both of their reactions were normal for their ages. I am sure that by now their understanding and feelings have changed. Don't let this incident be a barometer for your children's sensitivities. Watch your children's interaction among themselves, with their friends and with animals. What do they do when someone gets hurt; i.e., a scraped knee, a pinched finger, a bruised elbow. Do they laugh or show concern? Are they kind to animals or do they torment them?
I suggest that you stay alert to your children's reactions toward other occurrences. Be ready to answer their questions and explain on their level what is happening. Stay tuned into their feelings about whatever may be the topic of the day. Help them to express their feelings about what they have experienced. Recognize that the attack on the Twin Towers, as horrible as it was, is an experience with many lessons for all of us. Our roles as parents is to guide our children through these life experiences so that they will have a good basis for decision making in their lives. It sounds like you are doing a good job as a conscientious parent.
A. Your challenging question is one that every parent is asking in light of the recent tragedy. So many children throughout the United States are voicing their fears to parents who are struggling for answers. Generalized advice is abundant in newspapers, television, radio and online. Everyone shares your concern. While no one answer is appropriate for all children, reading, listening and observing can be helpful in formulating your individual response.
As her parent, you know your daughter's personality better than anyone does. Your understanding of her fears and concerns should enable you to draw from all the various articles, columns, and suggestions in deciding what strategy to use.
Start by acknowledging her fears and give her information on her level to help her understand why she is scared. Try to explain that the events of September 11th were very unusual but now that it has happened, many good people, such as police and firemen, are working extra hard to keep everyone as safe as possible, even at her Daddy's workplace. Tell her that the President of the United States has asked everyone to go back to work and that Daddy is doing his part.
It might be helpful to her to have her draw a picture of your family or the American flag or something special that would comfort her to put on his desk. Some extra phone calls to home from dad may also be reassuring to her. Let her call her father if she displays a sudden concern for him. Try planning some enjoyable family activities that your child can look forward to. Keep reminding her of these upcoming events.
At times like these, many people find solace in their faith and draw strength from family and friends. A return to a normal schedule of activities will go a long way to diminish her fears. The old adage "Time heals all wounds" is especially poignant at this time.
A. Parents feel frustrated, helpless and embarrassed when their children experience a fear like your daughter's. Some children respond to parental attempts to alleviate their fears while others may require professional counseling. The most common fears that children have while visiting the doctor are:
Pain: Some children fear that they will experience pain from an injection or office procedure. Ear infections, as you mentioned in your question, can be very painful and your daughter could be associating this pain with her doctor's visits.
Separation: The fear of being separated from their parent or caregiver during an examination often causes children to be afraid. Make sure you let your child know that you will be with them during the entire visit.
The Doctor: Children are sensitive to the personalities of doctors. If the doctor is abrupt or serious, a child could misread these traits and be fearful of him or her. You can often get recommendations from other parents about doctors who work well with children.
The first step in helping your child alleviate her fears is to encourage her to express, in her own words, exactly what frightens her. Facing her fears should help overcome them. Choose a time before her next appointment to have this discussion. Role-playing is one way that she can communicate her fears. Take turns being the patient and the doctor. Use a doll and toy medical kit so that your daughter can show you instruments that may cause her to be fearful. Name the instruments and explain how they are used and for what purpose. Books and videos can also be helpful. Check with your local librarian for suggestions.
Emphasize how check ups and shots help her to grow strong and remain healthy. Without good health, she would be unable to play and participate in sports and other activities.
Before your next visit, ask the staff to let the doctor know that she has become fearful of her visits. Have her prepare several questions that she may want to ask the doctor. Her questions should relate to something that she enjoys. For example, if she enjoys swimming, she might ask "May I swim right after eating, or do I need to wait awhile to go back into the water?" She may be distracted from the exam, perhaps relaxing her.
If you have tried everything and she is still fearful, speak with the doctor. Counseling might be suggested.
If the visit might be a potentially traumatic one, you may want to offer a small reward for good behavior. Some parents frown at this, looking at it more as a bribe. I may have gone a bit too far when my daughter was ten and needed a blood test. She was sick with what turned out to be a bad viral infection and terrified of the necessary blood test. I was at wits end and finally asked what I could do to help her remain calm during the test. She said, "Buy me a pet bird". She did great during the blood test and told me afterward that it wasn't really that bad. We bought the bird the next day and Talullah continues to be a fine addition to the family!
A. Experts say play is important for children of all abilities because it lays the foundation for reading, writing, mathematical reasoning and creativity. Although play is the essential joy of youth, it is also the primary way in which children learn about themselves, others and their world. If play is a child's work, then toys are the important tools of play. So you are right to believe that choosing the right toys (tools) for your children is very important.
Rather than stressing the kinds of toys you don't want for your children, tell relatives about the kinds of toys that you think will encourage their social, emotional and creative skills. Young school age children such as yours enjoy play that requires strategy and skill. Board games, electronic games, tabletop sports and building sets are all favorites that enhance skill building as well as social skills as they follow directions and take turns. They also love learning new information and experiences and enjoy science, craft and magic kits.
When my son was about 5, I gave him his own personalized crafts box filled with colored paper, scissors, glue, markers, Play-Doh, stickers, cut-out shapes to trace, yarn. He loved it and we would periodically refill it with new supplies that interested him. Initially we spent many hours together creating, later he entertained himself and then taught his younger sisters. When he went off to college, I found it still on the shelf of his closet, rather battered, containing a few supplies and many of his favorite creations, this toy had clearly served him long and well.
Your children probably possess enough physical skills and coordination to enjoy junior versions of adult sporting equipment. You can encourage relatives to not only buy a baseball glove, soccer ball, or hockey stick and appropriate protective gear, but also to spend some time teaching your children the sport. Playing a game, making a puzzle together, or learning a sport also provides an opportunity to learn more about the personality, abilities and special interests of your children.
The richest play occurs when parents or other adults play alongside the children, and years later they will remember fondly these special times with their special adults.
A. You did just what I would have done. You broke up the fight and spoke to the parent about the situation. If the parent sees nothing wrong with their child hitting another child, then that parent is not setting a good example for her son, the other child or you. Stopping your daughter from seeing the little boy might not be the best way to solve the problem. Also, I don't know how you approached the parent, perhaps she felt embarrassed and put up her guard in your presence. But it does not excuse the parent's behavior.
One of our important roles as a parent is to teach our children how to problem solve non-violently when a conflict comes up for them. You intervened and stopped a conflict which turned violent and that is critical. Here are some suggestions on how to handle a situation like this in the future.
* Each day, tell stories of interest to your child. I tell stories about animal characters that get into a conflict. Then, I brainstorm how to problem solve the conflict with my granddaughter. If she only gives me one idea, I help her come up with two or three more ideas. Then I ask her which one might be the best idea.
* Role play with your child. Set up a situation that might be a bullying conflict. Let her be the bully in one scenario, and then let her be the victim in the other scenario. Ask her how it felt, and what she thought of the outcome. Discuss with her why bullying happens and why it is not OK. Discuss how it might be avoided or handled. Role play different types of situations she has faced in the past, or she has seen other children deal with. This will give her some confidence and skills when faced with a conflict in the future.
* Let your daughter know that not everyone knows how to solve problems creatively. Let her know you will be there for her and listen to her when she has a difficult situation.
* Have your daughter play with other children in your yard where you have more control over the way they play. Let the other children know what your rules are in your yard and home.
* Set up a Peace Corner in your yard to use problem-solving steps when a conflict or disagreement happens. You can set up a spot with a little picnic table or just a couple of small chairs. When the conflict comes up, ask them to go to the corner to tell their stories to you, one at a time. Listen to both sides without interruption, then ask them what they can do to solve the problem. If they can't solve it, maybe it is time for them to come in from playing.
* Try to get together again with the parents of the other child who hit your daughter. Ask when would be a good time to meet and talk. Let her know about the rule you have with your yard and the Peace Corner. Let her know what your values are, and that in the future when the children are playing together, you would need to see some adult intervention of some kind if a fight breaks out. If you speak from a calm and caring place, people can usually hear your message better.
A. You are not alone in having a hard time discussing the issue of childbirth and reproduction with your child. Most parents find this extremely trying. In our parents' day, a child might be satisfied to hear that the "stork" would be bringing home the little brother or sister. However, in today's world, children are exposed to information at a young age through television and mass media. As much as we try to shelter our own children from inappropriate television programming and movies, inadvertently someone else's child will bring up a particular topic at the playground or on the school bus.
Parenting educators agree that children should be given accurate information at a level understandable to them. A young child is usually not looking for complicated and detailed answers. A parent is the most logical adult that a child can go to for information. It is important that you create a comfortable atmosphere where you can listen carefully to your daughter's questions. Use the correct terminology for body parts. If you feel uneasy saying some words, practice saying them aloud when your daughter is not present.
Regarding your question, use the word "uterus" instead of "belly". You could perhaps describe the uterus as a balloon that stretches and after nine months the opening enlarges to allow the baby to pass through. You don't need to go through the details of labor and delivery. You may wish to include where you will be having the baby and who will be caring for your daughter at that time if she expresses concern.
If you are still not comfortable with some of your daughter's questions, feel free to rely on some excellent children's books which have been written on this subject. I recommend the following: "So That's How I Was Born" by Robert Brooks and "What's the Big Secret?" by Laurie Krasny Brown.
It's also not wrong to be honest and share your feelings of discomfort with your daughter. You might say that this subject is private and hard to talk about. Let your daughter know that she can come to you with any question and you will provide her with the correct information. As your daughter matures, having this open communication will allow her to be empowered to make good decisions in her own life.
A. Death is a normal part of life and grief is the normal reaction to loss of any kind. Unfortunately our society does not teach us how to deal with death or how to help those who are grieving.
The first thing to do is to let your children know that it is okay for them to feel sad and to cry. It is important that you are open about your feelings also. Feel free to cry with your children. Tell them how much you miss your neighbor and how much he meant to you. Hug each other.
In the past it was common to try to protect children from death because we didn't want them to have to face things which were sad or unpleasant. It seems to be more common today to include them in the family's grieving; to have them involved with family and friends, in the viewing, burial or memorial service. Children feel loss in the same way adults do, and being part of these events can be comforting as well as sad. It can show children that there are people who will "be there" for them in difficult times.
One way our society tries to avoid the pain of death is to talk about it indirectly. We may say, "We've lost Father" or "Grandfather is sleeping." The problem with this for children is that they may not understand what we mean. They may wonder why their father is lost, where he is now, and will we be able to find him again. If you tell your children that your neighbor is asleep, they may be unable to sleep themselves for fear of ending up like him. The best thing to do is to speak directly and simply about the death, expressing your own beliefs. For example, you might want to say something like "Our neighbor has died. I believe he has gone to Heaven to live with God."
Children will express their feelings about their loss in different ways. Younger children may draw a picture or write a story. Older children may want to give or do something for surviving family members.
When the initial period of grief has passed you may want to talk with your children about their memories of your neighbor: What was he like? What did he give to them and to others? Since children are in the process of developing their own personalities, they may decide they want to be like their neighbor in some way. This is the greatest gift that anyone can give.
A. Guilt is such a powerful emotion. I think we all feel it, especially if we are unable to spend as much family time as we would like. We come home too exhausted to do it all; to help with homework, to play with our child, to prepare a meal, etc. Sometimes it seems easier to just give into their demands than deal with conflict.
Our kids are aware of our guilt. You are wise to see that your children have learned to use your guilt to manipulate you. I've known parents to willingly drive all over in search of Pokeman cards, beanie babies, or whatever is the toy of the day, to please their children. (Back when my girls were small, we waited in long lines for Cabbage Patch dolls.) By giving in to your children's every demand you create an unhealthy relationship between you. Guilt can be destructive. Recognizing that you feel guilty is a positive step.
Let's take a look at why you feel guilty. We all know our children need us, and we know they must be a priority. Is it fear of being an inadequate parent? Do you feel you are abandoning your children? Are they suffering in any way without you there? Take a look at what you can realistically change to relieve some of your guilt.
* Is flex time a possibility at your workplace?
* Can you phone your children after school and talk with them about their day?
* Could your children do some chores to lighten the load for you a bit?
* Could you involve the whole family in the process of planning your family meals?
* Deal with family issues from a shared, problem-solving perspective.
* Spend special time with each child each night.
* Spend time together as a family on weekends, preferably doing something that doesn't involve a purchase.
* Is there a grandparent or special neighbor you trust who can come over a couple of times a week?
* And, be sure to take care of yourself as well!
What I used to do was take my children on hikes, or to a pet show, a museum, or just play lots of games. Make sure it is something you can all agree on and enjoy doing.
Some situations may require us to look beyond ourselves for help. If your child's grades are suffering, or if he/she is acting out and using disruptive behavior, you may need to find support and help as soon as possible. Simply feeling guilty will only result in delays and make the problem more difficult to deal with.
My community was instrumental in "helping" to raise me. We need to create communities in which we all pitch in to do the toughest job of all - to guide our children. Good Luck!
A. It sounds like you have a major case of 'sibling rivalry'. Children learn their parents impressions of them by the way their parents speak to each of them. Concentrate on giving each child what that child needs which may not be the same needs as his brother. For instance one son may need shin guards. Next month the other son may need new strings on his guitar. Each child does not have the same needs at the same time. It's important that children learn that their individual needs will get met but it's not a matter of equality. One may need more help with a special project than the other. It doesn't have to be equal.
Another thought is to hear how you sound as you speak or interact with each child. When your 10-year old comes in from school do you bark out instructions & questions, such as "Wipe your feet. Don't forget to feed the cat." "Did you hang up your coat? "
When her younger sister comes in, do you greet her with, "Hi, sweetie. Did you have a good time at your friend's house? Come give me a hug." I'm only guessing at this scenario, but parents sometimes "coo & goo" over a younger child and unwittingly bark out commands at an older child. Remember it's not what you say but the way that you say it. Parent's words, conversations etc. have a big impact on the meanings which children receive.
The following actions on your part may help reduce some sibling conflicts:
* Give to each child as they have a need.
* Never compare one child to another.
* Accept each child's individuality and uniqueness.
* Do not label any child. i.e. smartest one, athletic, artistic, etc.
* Use feeling words when you praise each child as is appropriate for that child;
i.e., "I like the way you helped your sister put on her boots."
* Help children learn how to problem solve. This will enable them to resolve disputes without your input. Intrude in strong arguments only if there is a danger that someone may get hurt.
* Talk to your children with respect. "I would appreciate it if you would hang your coat in the closet instead of the back of the chair".
Parents can unwittingly cause rivalry among their children. The book "Siblings Without Rivalry" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish is recommended reading for this universal problem.
A. Many years ago spanking was accepted. The rules have changed. Spanking is punishment. Punishment means to cause suffering.
The accepted method of child rearing is discipline. Discipline means to teach. Spanking can lead to abuse. Spanking teaches a child that you have to hit/hurt someone in order to get what you want. So what is a parent to do? Parents are to teach. Teach the acceptable behavior. Teach what you want the child to do.
For example: If a child crayons on the wall that child needs to learn the acceptable place to use crayons. An appropriate discipline could be to have the child clean the crayon off the wall. The next step would be to teach the child where it is appropriate to use crayons. If drawing on the walls continues then the child could be told "I see you are not ready to use crayons properly. I will take them away until I think you are ready."
Another way to help the child learn would be to give him/her one crayon and a paper and sit with him while he colors. Assign a place to use crayons. Sometimes when a parent uses spanking he will say "Don't let me catch you doing that again." That message can be translated to mean, you can do it if I don't see you. Spanking makes the child want to do whatever he chooses when the parent is not looking. Spanking brings resentment.
It is important to remember that discipline means to teach; punishment means to cause suffering.
A. You have described a common situation facing parents. We control our children's behavior because we feel that they don't know how to act or they might get themselves (and perhaps us) into trouble if we are not in charge. But there is another way. By using consequences your children can learn to think about their behavior and to make some decisions for themselves. This approach can be used even with young children.
We can define consequences as: If something happens, then something else is expected to happen.
I observed an example of this in the grocery store recently. As I was rounding the corner into a new aisle, I came upon a mother and her little girl, probably 2 1/2 - 3 years old. The mother was pushing a grocery cart, and the child was pushing one of the child-sized carts that all grocery stores seem to have these days. The child ran her cart into the shelves with considerable force. Her mother looked at her and said in a calm, but firm voice, "If you bang your cart into a shelf again, we will have to take it back." The child stopped in her tracks, looked up at her mother, and pulled the cart quickly away from the shelves.
What are the advantages to both parent and child of using this technique? Control of behavior has moved from the parent to the child. The child is put in the position of deciding which is most important to her (in this case banging into shelves or having her own cart to push). Her mother has no real "stake" in the decision, so she is not likely to become angry. The little girl is beginning to learn that life has choices and that choices have consequences.
You can use this idea in many kinds of situations. For example: "If you put your toys away, we can go to the playground.", "If you finish your dinner, you can have dessert." Your children must decide which they want more: to continue to play with their toys or to go to the playground; to leave some dinner or to have dessert.
My twelve year-old granddaughter said to me recently, "If I study harder for quizzes, I can get better grades on my report card this quarter." (Imagine what would have occurred if her mother had decided she should study harder!) Although using consequences does not work in all situations (dangerous ones, for example, where your immediate action is needed), it can be helpful in many others. Your children will be taking steps toward independence, and your family life will be happier and more peaceful.
A. You have analyzed the problem, now let's find a solution. We'll begin with your 3 year old. When she tells another of her imaginative stories treat it as a creative tale such as you read in a book. You might want to write it down and help her to understand that her story did not really happen but she made it up. Who knows, you may have a budding author in your family.
It's important that she recognizes the difference between a made up story and a true accounting. You can help her understand the difference in fantasy and truth by accurately recounting familiar incidents. Both children should hear these unadulterated true stories. It's important that you do not embellish the stories in any way. Keep them simple and natural. This will help her to recognize a true retelling of an incident from a made-up one.
One way to help your son deal with his need to avoid the truth is for you to avoid labeling. Calling him a liar exacerbates the problem. Tell him how you feel... "I don't like it when you say things that are not true. I need you to tell me what really happened". Ask him if he is afraid to tell you the truth. Reassure him that you will listen to what he has to say and you will both decide what should be done about it. Work hard at being an understanding listener. Practice giving him your full attention. Look at him and have him look at you while he is telling his story. Do not interrupt. Use listening phrases such as, "Oh?.... Um-m-m,... or I see" during his recounting. When he has finished talking remain quiet. Do not scold, advise, threaten, question... continue to listen and maintain your composure. When you are certain that he has finished, ask him what he thinks he should do about it. Help him to make a decision about correcting a problem if there is one. Teach him how to deal with whatever caused him to tell a lie about this situation.
Also be aware of your own conversations and actions. Some parents will tell their children to answer the phone and tell the caller that he or she is not at home or some other obvious untruth. Children learn quickly. Be constantly aware that your children are watching and imitating everything that you do.
A. We did not allow our children to have guns at home when they were growing up. Even though my husband and I and our siblings had toy guns, we felt that it was very important to raise our children with the awareness that guns hurt people and are dangerous.
Every time we purchase a toy, we communicate our adult values to the children who receive those toys. When parents buy their children toy guns and violent toys they are indicating to them that they condone these toys and therefore condone violence and war as solutions to problems. Refusing to allow children to play with toy guns and other violent toys shows them we value human life.
When children play with toy guns or other war toys they automatically set up sides, "ours" and "theirs", "good guys" and "bad guys" and they learn to solve differences by fighting. This rewards the use of violence and physical strength rather than teaching that each person is important and has rights, not just the biggest and strongest.
We were also adamant that our children not play with guns because many toy guns are so realistic, that our children might find a real gun and thinking it was a toy, hurt themselves or another child accidentally.
Some toys help children play together or teach them new things. But toy guns are for fighting. We want to encourage our children to play with toys that develop their creativity and teach them cooperation and thoughtfulness.
A. Children are the unintended victims of separation and divorce, and you are very wise to be thinking of your son now. There are certainly things you can do to make this event less difficult for him.
Children, especially young ones, are egocentric creatures who believe that the world revolves around them. So they often think that they are the reason their parents separate. The first thing you need to do, then, is to assure your son that he is not responsible for the changes in his family. Tell him simply and truthfully (a lot of details are not needed) what will happen, why it is happening, and that he had nothing at all to do with it.
Next, both of you need to tell him that you still love him, and that he has two parents who will take care of him, even though they do not live together. Then make every effort to demonstrate this by having the "absent parent" involved in your son's life as much as possible. If it is decided that each of you will spend regular time with your son, the "absent parent" might be included in his school or sports events, birthday parties, and other special occasions, as well as scheduled visits at other times. If, however, one of you moves away, there could be regular contact via letter, telephone, and e-mail, with personal visits during your son's school vacations.
It is very important that you and your former spouse continue to communicate and keep your child's welfare paramount in your thinking. This can certainly be difficult since both of you may feel hurt and angry about the failed marriage. Try not to say negative things about your former spouse. Your son needs to think well of both of his parents in order to develop into the kind of person you both want him to be.
Joint custody is a relatively recent system designed to assure that both parents are involved in the major decisions affecting the child's life. This seems to work well for many people. It may not be beneficial for a child, however, if it is interpreted as having him spend three days a week with one parent, for example, and four with the other. This is especially true if the child has started school.
Sometimes the parent with whom the child lives no longer expects the same behavior that was expected when two parents lived in the household. This is usually because the custodial parent feels guilty about the child's now having only one parent at home. Try not to do this, as it will cause more problems with his peers now and in the outer world as he grows older.
If one of you moves away and is not able to see your child very often, it may be a good idea for him to have regular contact with a grandparent, an aunt or an uncle, or a close family friend. This person can supply some of the things your son may be missing.
Your child can become a happy, productive adult, even if he grows up with separation and divorce. It will take a good deal of work and thought, but you are starting out on the right track. Good luck!