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A. Children who enjoy books are likely to become good readers. It is not too early to start sharing books with your daughter. Select those that are mostly pictures with a few words on each page, and set aside a regular time each day when you or your husband can read to her. Even at this age she can be an active participant. You might ask her to find the kitten in the picture, or turn the page to see what happens next. Continue this reading time as she gets older. When she goes to school and begins to read, she may also want to read to you.
Another thing you might try is to have "family reading time", which can start for a very few minutes and then get longer as she gets older. You, your husband and your daughter can each take a book and read to yourselves. Then each of you can share something that you learned or enjoyed. As soon as your daughter can talk she can do this using her picture books. Young children are great imitators, and you are her role model. This activity might even become a "family tradition" which you could all continue to enjoy.
Go to your local library and get library cards for each of you. Your daughter will love having her own. Use the library regularly, letting her select her own books. Many libraries have story time for children as young as two or three. When your daughter begins school and has questions for which she needs to find answers, look to your library as the first source of information.
As your daughter grows older, encourage relatives to give books as birthday and Christmas gifts. Grandparents can be very good at this. Introduce her to some of the classics that you read when you were young. They are available at major book stores in reasonably priced editions. They are not only good stories, but they will introduce her to people, places, and ways of life which she might otherwise know nothing about.
Don't forget children's magazines. There are a number of good ones for children from the ages of three or four into the teens. These will bring new worlds to her door each month, and she will love having something in the mail that is addressed to her.
A love of books can lead to success in school and to joy throughout one's life. Start now to introduce your daughter to this wonderful world.
A. You are not wrong, you are cautious. You seem to be a caring parent who is concerned for the safety of your daughter. Today's malls offer enticing entertainment to teens with their movie theaters and arcades. Teens flock there on weekends for lack of alternative social activities.
Your question states that your teen wants to shop at the mall. My suggestion is to compromise with your daughter on the next shopping trip by talking with her beforehand and setting some boundaries that make you feel comfortable while starting to give her some independence.
Talk to your daughter about the things she needs to be aware of regarding her safety in public places. Discuss topics such as not talking to or being persuaded by strangers, carrying money safely and establishing a central meeting place if she separates from her friends. Ask her what she would do if she encountered an emergency situation. Explain to her that mall personnel frown upon teens just "hanging" around so it's important for her and her friends to have a purpose for being there such as buying a gift for someone or eating at the food court.
Go to the mall with her and a friend and follow behind them or set times and places where you will meet at various intervals. Allow her to make purchases independent of you and praise her for her good choices and for meeting you on time. Don't compromise your comfort level. Stay as close as you need to feel safe. Go with your instincts. There's not always a wrong or right when you are a parent.
A. I certainly agree with the letter writer that the child should not have been permitted to go back into the pool that day. But I disagree with the suggestion that a 'pop on the butt' would teach him to obey the pool rules. I believe that that child would be more inclined to obey the rules if he had been forbidden to return to the pool that day. The follow-up to that could be that the next time he is near any pool he should be asked what the rules are. Yes, you read it correctly. Ask him, "What are the pool rules?"
Then walk him around the pool and talk with him about the places where he is permitted to play and which areas are off limits to him. If he disobeys the rules again, then he should not be permitted to go into the pool for the rest of that day. That may mean that the parent or whomever is responsible for him may have to physically hold onto him or leave the pool area. Sometimes parents have to sacrifice their own pleasure to keep their children safe. Their children's safety is the parents' responsibility.
I also agree with the writer that children need to be taught to respect others not only in public but also at home. My suggestion for teaching respect is to 'SPARE THE ROD AND TEACH THE CHILD.' 'Popping a child on the butt' teaches children to hit someone to get what they want. If you want children to learn to be respectful of others my suggestions are:
* Respect children by treating them as human beings. (Respect begets respect.)
* Guide them toward doing things that occupy their minds and their time.
Keep children orderly in public by:
* Quietly reading to or with them.
* Providing simple art activities or playing quiet games together (I have found "I Spy" to be a successful 'stay in your seat and observe' game.)
* By engaging them in conversations about things around them, i.e., ants, trees, birds, clouds,etc.
Children are supposed to be active. Their activity is essential to their healthy growth. When they are made to sit in a "thinking chair" for an hour, I assure you, that they will not be thinking about what they did. They will probably be thinking about how to get out of the "thinking chair." Another method of dealing with unacceptable behavior is to quietly tell the child what you want. "I need you to sit with me until it's our turn." Notice that the request is spoken as a desire not as a command.
At what point do I draw the line and let her realize that her decision to move out comes with financial responsibilities that she isn't willing to take on? Do you have any suggestions how to approach such a subject without seeming like I'm totally cutting her off? I don't have a problem with helping her out, but she's not my dependent any longer.
A. The time is now. Do not wait any longer to have that adult to adult talk that you have been contemplating. Your daughter is saying that she wants to be treated like an adult. Adulthood has adult responsibilities.
Adult responsibilities includes being accountable for and maintaining one's own livelihood and basic essentials - food, shelter and clothing. Adult responsibilities also mean making moral and/or rational decisions on one's own thereby being answerable for one's own behavior, planning ahead, obeying rules, handling expenses, paying debts, providing ones own transportation. The list could on in more detail but I believe there is enough information here for you and your daughter to understand what being independent means.
It is usually best to discuss the details of new living arrangements before they are put into place. Let her know that you encourage her educational pursuits and be clear about what you have decided to contribute to her new life style. Put it in writing if necessary so that there is no question later. If she plans to enjoy her room and board in another place she should not expect you to continue to to shoulder her responsibilities.
You both need to express your feelings and expectations in reference to her plans and come to an agreement about each person's repomsibiities within these new living arrangements. This is only one more challenge in the continuing adventure of parenting.
A. There are numerous books on the subject of getting your baby to sleep through the night. Sleeping through the night for most people means an uninterrupted stretch of sleep between the hours of approximately midnight and 5 a.m. Sounds wonderful, doesn't it? You are not alone in waiting for this blessed event to take place in your home. Suggestions on how to accomplish this ranges from letting your baby "cry it out" to bringing her into your "family bed". My advice is to try one of the less extreme approaches and try to be patient.
What's important to keep in mind is that all babies are individuals and will accomplish this skill at various times in their development. On the average, babies develop desirable sleep patterns between the ages of four and six months. Parents can influence these patterns to some extent. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, following these simple tips can help establish good sleep patterns and prevent sleep problems:
Gradually, your baby will sleep for longer periods of time. You probably won't notice it until one morning, you awake with a startle and realize that it's 5 a.m. and you haven't heard a peep from your baby since midnight. Your reaction will be the same as all parents before you. You'll rush into your baby's room and wake her up to assure yourself that she is O.K. Happy Parenting!
A. I suspect that several things, the first being her age. 2 1/2 year old children often experience "separation anxiety" at bedtime. This is a fear of being put in a room by herself, away from her parents. Sitting next to her bed until she falls asleep may be calming enough so that she will relax and not wake up so frequently. "Separation anxiety" may, however, be used by a child to control a situation, and this may be happening here.
Your daughter is demanding your attention. After all, she was an only child for most of her life, and has probably not yet adjusted to sharing her space with someone else. It is interesting that all this takes place when the baby is effectively out of the picture and your older daughter doesn't have to compete with her for your time. You mentioned that her behavior worsened recently when you decided to let her "cry it out". The more you ignored her, the angrier she became over the lack of attention.
Fortunately, there are a number of things you can do to improve this situation. First, try not to compare your children. (You mentioned that the baby is "an angel sleeper" at the same time you were commenting on your older daughter's unacceptable behavior.) Try not to "play up" the new baby too much (talking about what she can do, how cute she is, etc.), particularly in front of her older sister.
Do talk to your 2 year old about all the things she can do that the baby can't, and let her know that she now has the important position of "the big girl" in your family. Try to find some things that the two of you can do together. Let her know how much you love her, frequent hugs are a good idea!
Often children of this age like to "play mommy" with a doll while a mother takes care of the infant. Your daughter might like to feed "her baby", diaper her, change her clothes and put her down for a nap while you are doing these things for the baby. This will make her a part of what is going on, instead of feeling left out.
Another thing that often helps is to stress how many things a big sister can do for a little sister, such as helping at bath time, sharing a favorite toy with her, talking and singing to her. When the baby smiles at this attention, her big sister will feel wonderful.
In addition to the above, you may want to reward your daughter for doing better at night. Overall, your goal should be to let her know that the baby hasn't replaced her, and that she is a loved and appreciated part of your family.
A. Summer is approaching quickly and while our kids are busy at the calendar crossing off the remaining school days and anticipating their upcoming freedom, parents are anxious with thoughts of how to fill the idle time of summer vacation.
For parents, the school year provides structure. Regardless of how busy parents and children are with events and activities, this schedule provides a sense of accomplishment, stability and purpose for everyone.
Summertime can be just as fulfilling, educational and more enjoyable if you take some time now to plan ahead. Before you begin, think back to your own childhood and what you enjoyed most about your summers. Discuss the sights and sounds of these memorable activities with your family. Don't be concerned if they laugh at your antics, it's worth the trip down memory lane.
Start by looking into your township's department of recreation. You may find free concerts, guided tours of area parks, nature centers, museums, library programs, special events etc. Check the Community section in Friday's Courier Times for listings of free and reasonably priced activities in your area. The Life section also profiles area day trips.
After you've investigated what is available, have a family meeting to discuss your options. Other ideas might include a back yard camp out, a picnic, fishing in the park and trips to community pools. Ask your children's teacher for a list of suggested reading titles. Set some reading goals and rewards for your children. Limit the time your children can spend on electronics such as television, computers and video games. Monitor these activities carefully.
Outdoor activities naturally increase during the summer. Along with planning trips and visits, be sure to discuss summer safety. Make sure that proper rules are followed in all sports. Always insist on helmets and protective gear while riding bikes, skating etc. The use of sunscreen is also essential during the summer months.
Remember, the summertime pace should be slower and less structured. Allow for unscheduled time together to relax or do nothing. Time spent without the pressure of schedules frees a child's imagination and creativity. Such times often result in the most precious memories of a summer.
A. Help is on its way! Begin by seeing this child for himself. Do not compare him to any of your other children. Watch for positive behavior, no matter how small. Praise the things that he does to your satisfaction. Start with the simplest things; such as, when he wakes up in the morning tell him how much you like his happy face. Use feeling words " I like the way you gave me a hug," "brushed your teeth," or "waited until I changed the baby." Secondly, tell him what you want him to do. Putting him in the corner teaches him to go to somewhere for punishment but does not let him know what is expected of him. Sending him to his room makes his room a punishment place. Taking his toys away relates only if he is using his toys inappropriately. Let your son know in gentle tones what you like and what you do not like.
Let him hear you say positive things about him. Example: When your son is in hearing range, say to his father, "I wish you could have seen the way he was so patient while I was on the telephone. "or "Come and see how nicely he put his trucks on the shelf."
When he resorts to his fits, ignore them if his fits are not harming himself, anyone or anything. Try to recall what triggered that behavior. Had he been put on 'hold' beyond his endurance? Was he, frustrated, tired or hungry? I also suggest that you do some research on four year old behavior. This column does not have enough space to include extensive information on ages and stages. The Parent Talk and other Web sites are good resources. Although his behavior may be more extreme than that of your other children, you may find that he is acting his age. Try talking softly, that will help maintain a calmer atmosphere. Children are tuned into and imitate the behaviors that they see, hear and feel. Sometimes parents are not aware of how their own behavior is seen or felt by their children.
I believe that it could be to his advantage if he were enrolled in a nursery school or a play group a few days each week. Socializing with children his own age could also help him develop more acceptable behavior and give you both some time apart.
Teach the behavior that you desire by using that behavior yourself. If you do not want him to act a certain way then be sure that you and your husband are not acting that way.
A. Senior Prom is an exciting celebration for many teens. It marks the end of their years of being a high school student and the beginning of being a young adult with increased responsibilities. Although it seems like a struggle for some parents, this milestone should be viewed as an opportunity to develop an adult relationship with their children. It sounds as though you have raised a mature and trustworthy daughter who is being honest with you about her prom night plans. Continuing a level of open communication will enable you to make an informed decision.
High school graduation is a transition time for both of you. It marks a time when your daughter will be on her own either in college or in the workplace where she will be required to make responsible decisions independent of you.
Take this opportunity to have an adult discussion with your daughter about your pride in how she has matured. Use the time to discuss what concerns you may have for her safety not just for prom night, but when she sets out on her own. Start by comparing issues she is concerned about while you express yours. Is she comfortable with the friends she will be with? Will adults be present? Is she aware that otherwise " good" teens sometimes will be pressured by their peers to experiment with alcohol, drugs and sex?
Would she leave or call you if she feels threatened or uncomfortable?
All night activities following proms have become commonplace. Seniors view this as one more rite of passage on their way to adulthood. While there are some teens who will use this time unwisely, the vast majority will spend this time sensibly, having fun and making memories during their transition from high school seniors to young adults.
A. Many years ago spanking was accepted. The rules have changed. Spanking is punishment. Punishment means to cause suffering. The accepted method of child rearing is discipline. Discipline means to teach. Spanking can lead to abuse. Spanking teaches a child that you have to hit/hurt someone in order to get what you want. So what is a parent to do? A parent's role is to teach. Teach the acceptable behavior. Teach what you want the child to do.
For example: If a child crayons on the wall that child needs to learn the acceptable place to use crayons. An appropriate discipline could be to have the child clean the crayon off the wall. Next teach the child where it is appropriate to use crayons. If drawing on the walls continues then the child could be told "I see you are not ready to use crayons properly. I will take them away until I think you are ready."
Another way to help the child learn would be to give him/her one crayon and a paper and sit with him while he colors. Assign a place to use crayons. Sometimes when a parent uses spanking he will say "Don't let me catch you doing that again." That message can be translated to mean, you can do it if I don't see you. Spanking makes the child want to do whatever he chooses when the parent is not looking. Spanking brings resentment.
It is important to remember that discipline means to teach; punishment means to cause suffering. Treat others as you want to be treated, children are "others."
Research has shown that parents who hit children are risking long-term harm that outweighs the short-term benefit of quick obedience. The Center for Effective Discipline, sponsors of SpankOut Day USA, April 30th, advocates the use of child-rearing practices that help develop caring, responsible, self-disciplined adults through positive discipline methods:
A. Seeing a connection between your actions and the health of the planet is tough for adults, let alone children. I have seen adults pour paint and used oil into sewer drains. Even children know the sewers drain to rivers and rivers are where we get most of our drinking water.
The way to involve children in restoring the planet to health is to start early and lead by example. Telling them to take shorter showers doesn't work if they hear you shower for an hour. Purchase water restricting shower heads and turn down the thermostat on the waterheater. Set a time limit for showers. While shopping, involve them in choosing environmentally friendly products instead of harmful ones. Make recycling a part of everyday family life; a responsibility, rather than a chore. After all, your efforts at recycling help save resources for their future.
Turn an everyday life-experience into a learning session. For example, one day while driving, we came across a roadside area that looked like a dump. Cans, bottles, old shopping carts, and other trash covered the area. My children were horrified that any place on earth could look like that. We talked about the problem and how we could help stop this type of pollution. Our household recycling efforts increased after that experience.
The key to environmental awareness is involvement. Organizations like Kids F.A.C.E., (Kids For A Clean Environment at www.kidsface.org) provide a way for kids to get together and act on environmental issues. Kids for Saving Earth at kidsforsavingearth.org is another web site that provides environmental information for all ages from 3 to adult.
Another way to raise the entire family's environmental awareness is by visiting one of the many environmental centers in the area. Some nearby centers are: Churchville Nature Center, Peace Valley Nature Center, and Silver Lake Nature Center. Become active at one of the centers. Take part in their activities. Many people begin by sitting in on classes. You can volunteer for cleanup days and service projects at the center. You will be surprised how your children will become more environmentally aware by living what they learn.
Visit the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Protection website at dep.state.pa.us/dep/deputate/enved/env_centr.htm for a complete list of centers by county. It also has a wealth of information about environmental concerns in our state.
A. There are several things which might be causing this new and unexpected behavior.
Since 3-year-olds are usually able to express themselves verbally, the first thing I would do is to talk with your son. Ask him questions such as: "What did you do today that was fun?" (If he felt that nothing was fun, it is likely that he will tell you). "Are there children in your class who are nice (or not nice)?" "Do things happen in school that make you angry?" (If yes), "What are they?" and "What do you do when you get angry?" "Does your teacher ever ask you to do things that are hard for you, or that you don't want to do?" (If yes) "What things?"
Next, I would arrange a meeting with your child's teacher. Ask her to tell you exactly what your son is doing that presents a problem in the classroom. Does she have any idea what might be causing it? What immediately precedes these unacceptable acts? What does she do when they happen?
Another thing to look at is your home situation. Have there been any changes recently that might have upset your son? Conflict between family members? A move from one place to another, loss of or change in a job, a death or serious illness in the family? Events of this sort may lead to frayed tempers and impatience, less attention being paid to a child, or a disruption of familiar schedules, any of which can be upsetting and lead to the behavior you described.
Violence on TV or violent video games can lead to aggressive behavior. Copying the actions of a TV or movie hero is not uncommon in young children. Does your son spend a lot of time watching these programs or playing violent video games? If so, how does he react to them?
If you have looked into all of the things listed above, you will have gathered quite a bit of information about your son. There may be a need for some changes in his home or school environment. Meet with his teacher again, share your ideas and make plans together. A clear, caring and consistent response will be needed when unacceptable behavior occurs either at home or at school.
A. It seems to me that your daughters are reacting to the recent changes in their daily routine as well as in your family environment. Although many parents have difficulty dealing with separation and behavioral issues when their children start school and at different stages in their child's development, yours seem particularly troubling to you because of the existing circumstances.
Children are smart and can sense when parents are stressed. Assure your children that they are loved and cared for. Establish routines surrounding meals and bedtime for your children and yourself. Allow enough time before school to discuss your plans for the day. Be aware of your own emotions around your children. Try not to have conversations about your marital situation in front of your children that could be confusing to them. Continue to give them attention at home and praise them for their good work at preschool. Give them permission and encouragement to talk to their teachers.
Teachers have a lot of experience dealing with difficult separations and communicating with children. They tend to be more objective in a situation because they do not have the emotional attachments that family members have. Talk to their teacher and find out how long they are upset and how much of a problem is caused by them not communicating their needs. Suggest a topic that interests your children and ask their teacher to bring it up in an effort to help them speak to them in class. Sometimes twins mimic the other twin's behavior. If you think this may be the case, have the teacher occasionally separate your daughters during some activities and observe their behavior during these times. Notice if the twins act differently in the absence of the other twin.
Be patient and understand that these types of behaviors usually disappear in time. Keep in touch with the teacher regarding their progress. In the event that these behaviors continue or worsen, seek professional advice from your children's physician.
A. Thank you for your question. You are to be commended for your concern and for thinking about your daughter's educational future.
Kindergarten offers opportunities for a variety of new experiences and for all kinds of learning: intellectual, social and emotional. Children who are advanced intellectually may very well be average or even below when it comes to social or emotional development. These things are just as important as intellectual ability in determining success in school and in later life. In kindergarten it is likely that your daughter will meet children from a variety of backgrounds, and learning to get along with them and appreciate their differences will be a great asset now and in the future.
She will have a chance to learn to take turns, to follow directions, and to work cooperatively with her classmates, as well as how to deal with anger and hurt feelings (her own and others). Success in these areas will help her to feel good about herself and about her school.
Teachers today are expected to understand and relate to children as individuals and to develop their particular abilities. One way this is done is to assign children with similar abilities to small groups, for a part of the day, to work on particular skills. Each group progresses at its own rate, and each child can have a successful experience.
I encourage you to become involved in your daughter's school. Get to know her teacher. Volunteer to help in the classroom if at all possible. Perhaps you and the teacher could plan together some specific ways the children can share their experiences and interests with the rest of the group.
Your daughter could teach some of the language the others do not know, and others could share from their backgrounds and cultural heritage. This would be meaningful to everyone. It would also give you an opportunity to see how your daughter functions in the classroom, and open the door to increased cooperation with her teacher to ensure that she has the best possible school experience.
A. One of the problems here is labeling. Your son has heard you say that he is shy. When he hears this he unknowingly attempts to carry out the label that you have given him. I believe that in your desire to protect him from embarrassment you have encouraged him to act shy. Sometimes children do not know what is expected of them so they rely on hints or direct instructions from their parents for their behavioral directions. Often the parents give/send inaccurate information to their children. The child carries out the information or signal that he or she has been given, and the parent wonders why the child is responding in that manner. Parents do not always recognize what messages they have given to their children.
Your son has had seven years to interpret your messages. Somewhere along the way, directly or inadvertently, he has received the message that he is shy. He seems to be acting out the label that he has been given. Have you taught him what to do when he is introduced to someone? Try role playing the response that you would like to see him use. Use a puppet, a stuffed animal or a family member as the new person that is being introduced to your son. Pretend that you are the son and he is the parent. Let him introduce you to someone. Then you model the response that you prefer.
The next time you want to introduce him to someone, tell him what to say. Use "I" messages if he reverts to the "shy" behavior. Say, "Jack, I would be very pleased if you would say, "Good morning/evening to Mrs./Mr.X." When he has said what you want. Praise him by saying, "Thank you for using your good manners. I am very proud of you." Be more aware of thinking of, or using, any term that could be a label. A child can feel the label you have put on him even if you do not say it. Think and act as if your child can do any thing he is challenged to do. This will help any child to grow to be the best that he can be. And that should be every parent's goal.
A. Talk with your children about the importance of thanking people for their gifts. Tell them that "thank-you notes" should be written to those people they do not see in person, and a verbal "thank-you" given to those they will see. If your children are too young to write, have them draw a picture or dictate something for you to write for them. Tell them how much people must care about them to remember them during the holidays and to spend time selecting just the right gift for each of them.
Show your children what appreciation means by thanking (and even hugging!) them when they do something special for you. This will demonstrate how good appreciation feels, and will help them to understand the importance of thanking others.
Take walks or drives with your children and observe a beautiful sky, fall foliage, or the way the earth looks in winter. Express your appreciation for the things that are important to you, perhaps the love of your family and being able to celebrate the holidays together.
Practice saying "Aren't we lucky that..." to your children, and one day you may hear this from them also. They will then be "on the right track" to becoming the kind of people you want them to be.