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A. You are not wrong, you are cautious. You seem to be a caring parent who is concerned for the safety of your daughter. Today's malls offer enticing entertainment to teens with their movie theaters and arcades. Teens flock there on weekends for lack of alternative social activities.
Your question states that your teen wants to shop at the mall. My suggestion is to compromise with your daughter on the next shopping trip by talking with her beforehand and setting some boundaries that make you feel comfortable while starting to give her some independence.
Talk to your daughter about the things she needs to be aware of regarding her safety in public places. Discuss topics such as not talking to or being persuaded by strangers, carrying money safely and establishing a central meeting place if she separates from her friends. Ask her what she would do if she encountered an emergency situation. Explain to her that mall personnel frown upon teens just "hanging" around so it's important for her and her friends to have a purpose for being there such as buying a gift for someone or eating at the food court.
Go to the mall with her and a friend and follow behind them or set times and places where you will meet at various intervals. Allow her to make purchases independent of you and praise her for her good choices and for meeting you on time. Don't compromise your comfort level. Stay as close as you need to feel safe. Go with your instincts. There's not always a wrong or right when you are a parent.
At what point do I draw the line and let her realize that her decision to move out comes with financial responsibilities that she isn't willing to take on? Do you have any suggestions how to approach such a subject without seeming like I'm totally cutting her off? I don't have a problem with helping her out, but she's not my dependent any longer.
A. The time is now. Do not wait any longer to have that adult to adult talk that you have been contemplating. Your daughter is saying that she wants to be treated like an adult. Adulthood has adult responsibilities.
Adult responsibilities includes being accountable for and maintaining one's own livelihood and basic essentials - food, shelter and clothing. Adult responsibilities also mean making moral and/or rational decisions on one's own thereby being answerable for one's own behavior, planning ahead, obeying rules, handling expenses, paying debts, providing ones own transportation. The list could on in more detail but I believe there is enough information here for you and your daughter to understand what being independent means.
It is usually best to discuss the details of new living arrangements before they are put into place. Let her know that you encourage her educational pursuits and be clear about what you have decided to contribute to her new life style. Put it in writing if necessary so that there is no question later. If she plans to enjoy her room and board in another place she should not expect you to continue to to shoulder her responsibilities.
You both need to express your feelings and expectations in reference to her plans and come to an agreement about each person's repomsibiities within these new living arrangements. This is only one more challenge in the continuing adventure of parenting.
A. Senior Prom is an exciting celebration for many teens. It marks the end of their years of being a high school student and the beginning of being a young adult with increased responsibilities. Although it seems like a struggle for some parents, this milestone should be viewed as an opportunity to develop an adult relationship with their children. It sounds as though you have raised a mature and trustworthy daughter who is being honest with you about her prom night plans. Continuing a level of open communication will enable you to make an informed decision.
High school graduation is a transition time for both of you. It marks a time when your daughter will be on her own either in college or in the workplace where she will be required to make responsible decisions independent of you.
Take this opportunity to have an adult discussion with your daughter about your pride in how she has matured. Use the time to discuss what concerns you may have for her safety not just for prom night, but when she sets out on her own. Start by comparing issues she is concerned about while you express yours. Is she comfortable with the friends she will be with? Will adults be present? Is she aware that otherwise " good" teens sometimes will be pressured by their peers to experiment with alcohol, drugs and sex?
Would she leave or call you if she feels threatened or uncomfortable?
All night activities following proms have become commonplace. Seniors view this as one more rite of passage on their way to adulthood. While there are some teens who will use this time unwisely, the vast majority will spend this time sensibly, having fun and making memories during their transition from high school seniors to young adults.
A. The adolescent period (roughly age 13 through 17) is a difficult time. Adolescents are trying to adjust to their maturing bodies. Although adolescent isolation is normal behavior, it can be disturbing to parents.
I am not sure of what you mean by "struggling with his peers." Does he isolate himself from his peers? Does he talk on the telephone with any of his peers? Is he invited to any parties or teen outings? Does he bike, skate board etc. with anyone?
What about extra curricula, school, summer, church /synagogue or other group activities? Is he involved with any sports? Does he have any hobbies?
You might want to discuss your concerns about his behavior with his physician. I believe that he should be observed/examined for possible depression.
Does he participate in family activities. Maybe he could suggest, and help you to schedule, some activities that he would be willing to do with the family. You may want to get his help in setting some rules about his presence in the family. Those rules could include his presence at meals and other family gatherings. Rules could also include his share of chores and other household responsibilities.
The consequences for not obeying these rules could be that his room would be off limits to him during meals or other family activities. Enforcing this rule could include locking him out of his room until the family activity is over.
Do he and his dad have some past or anticipated activities that they could revive or begin. His father's involvement with him may fit in with his being intellectually more challenged when talking with adults. It's commendable that he is doing well in school. I hope that you have let him know that you are pleased with his school accomplishments.
A. You and your children need to recognize that all members of your family are entitled to their social lives. You also know how much you can trust your teenagers to obey your rules. If they have proven themselves to obey the house rules when they baby sit for your neighbors, then that might be your clue to their trustworthiness.
Throughout your children's young lives you have had to slowly back off and trust them to take on more responsibility. This is one of those ultimate times. Help your children to recognize the confidence that you have in them. Praise them for not disappointing you. Let them know that you are concerned about the pressure that teens put on each other to have parties when their parents are away. Don't permit your teenagers to make you feel guilty about going out so often.
Arrange to have a baby sitter occasionally so that they are also free to have an evening out. You might want to let your teenagers be in charge when you are attending a party in the immediate neighborhood or within a ten mile radius, but hire a baby sitter when you are hours away.
What would the consequences be if they were to break your rules? Teenagers, like all of us, need rules to live by. If their peers are urging them to have a party in your absence, encourage them to respond with, "We respect our parents wishes and will not have a party at our house when my parents are not home." I believe that your teen's friends will respect you and your children for sticking to your rules.
Let your teens know their friends are welcome in your house. Suggest they invite them for a party at your house when you are going to be at home. This is a good thing because you would know where your children are and also get aquainted with their friends. Their parents may share your concerns about unsupervised teens and your presence would be reasuring to them.
A. Teens of this age group are constantly trying to conform to and be accepted into their peer groups. Unfortunately, how teens dress has become a large part of whether or not they feel they fit in with their friends. Many parents are faced with the dilemma of wanting their children to be socially accepted while also maintaining their own moral standards.
Your daughter's outfit sounds rather provocative and inappropriate for a young teen. You may want to check on the school dress code to determine if it is even allowed. Most schools prohibit slogans on clothing promoting alcohol, drugs, tobacco products, sexuality and violence. Some schools also require body parts (i.e. navels) to be covered. If the school rules say that she cannot wear the outfit, she must adhere to the rules or risk suspension. If her school allows it, or if she decides to wear it outside of school against your wishes, you will need to take a stern approach. Establish precise rules on what type of clothing is to be worn in which situations. You may wish to let her know that you will not purchase any clothing you deem inappropriate. Also, establish that your daughter's attire is something you both must agree upon.
Young girls often imitate behavior that they really do not understand. For example, performers such as Britney Spears wear costumes during performances that are, perhaps OK for a music video but definitely inappropriate for school. Copying what they see on television and magazines is very different than consciously inviting sexual advances from others. Teens are often not equipped to deal with the attention that these styles may invite. Talk to your daughter and find out if she knows what she's doing and why she wants to wear these fashions. Try and impress on her that what she may think of as trendy, others may think of as trashy or provocative.
Keep in mind that your daughter is at an age where she needs your encouragement, support and assistance in all aspects of her life. Battles can be numerous and serious at times during her adolescent years. Offer to take her shopping to exchange the clothing for something equally as fashionable, but much less provocative. As the mother of two girls, I can honestly say that they have never declined an offer to go shopping. Good luck!
A. When I was growing up, I remember being told that school was my job. What I believe this meant was that I was to give my time and energy to working hard at school and doing the best I could. Although my friends and I often worked during the summer months, we did not have jobs during the school year.
Things are different today. More young people have jobs while they are attending school, and the reasons for this are many and varied. Some teens work to earn money for car insurance so they will be able to drive. Some work for spending money. Some get a job because they have extra time and they enjoy the hours spent at work. Some work because their earnings contribute to the support of their families. And there are certainly other reasons.
Should your son have a job while he is going to school? The answer to this question is a very personal one. In order to make a good decision you will need to look carefully at a number of factors. I would approach this by asking him a number of questions and then looking at the answers together:
* Why does he want to have a job?
* What kinds of grades does he get?
* Is he planning to go to college?
* If so, does he need to devote more time to studying?
* Will he need to contribute to the cost of college?
* Is his income needed to help with family expenses?
* Does he have a particular interest which he would like to try out in a part-time job?
* Would a job help him to become more responsible?
* Would he be missing extracurricular activities if he were to get a job?
* How important are these activities to him?
The answers to these questions should give you both a better understanding of where your son is at this point and what his goals are for the future. You will then be better able to decide together how a job during school fits into this larger picture.
A. Wow! You have your hands full. Congratulations to your brother-in-law for being so successful without that important piece of paper. It would be to your advantage if he could help you to convince your son of the value of a high school diploma. Nowadays, managing ones own business includes skills that may not have existed when your brother-in-law began his trade. I would imagine that he learned his management skills as the business developed.
Your son needs to understand that he needs skills that will be useful to him if his uncle's business is no longer relevant to the times. Times change and things that are necessary today may not have the same importance in the future.
The other side of this picture is that every child is not a scholar. Society needs people to contribute on all levels. Encourage your son to return to school but help him to recognize that he will be responsible for his decision. Talk to him about other options such as vo-tech schools, which may also grant high school diplomas.
I suggest that you and your son put together some rules if he insists on not returning to school. Remember that broken rules require appropriate consequences. Here are a few suggestions that may help; you and your son may come up with more.
If he is working full time and not attending school he should be required to:
* pay rent for the use of his room;
* be responsible for his share of the house cleaning and upkeep; i.e. vacuuming, painting, lawn cutting, snow shoveling, and garage cleaning;
* contribute to the food supply;
* clean up after his snacks and meals;
* wash and care for his own clothes;
* purchase his own clothes with his own money;
* be responsible for his own transportation to and from work and other activities; and
* obey the house rules, including curfews and regulations on house parties.
Hopefully he has had some previous experiences with some of these responsibilities. The important thing to remember here is that he is asking to be part of the full-time, employed, adult world. All of the above suggestions are part of that responsibility.
A. Your situation is not that unusual, and you are to be commended for your desire to help your daughter move ahead with her life. You do not say how you get along. Your efforts are more likely to be successful if she is comfortable sharing her experiences and feelings with you.
There are three things I recommend you work on with her: responsibility, money, and career planning.
Responsibility
As part of a busy household, there are certainly jobs your daughter can do to help things run smoothly. Have a family meeting and make a list of what must be done on a regular basis. Have each family member, including your younger children, select a task or tasks for which he or she will be responsible.
Try to make the assignments fit each person's ability, interest, and available time. Make a chart and post it in a prominent place, showing each job, when it will be done, and who will do it. Meet regularly to see that things are getting done and to make adjustments if necessary. This should make life easier for you and your husband, and it will introduce your daughter to what it takes to run a successful household.
Money
You did not say that your daughter will get a job, but it is important that she do so. She will need to be busy and to learn to manage money. Once she has a job, decide together what she should pay for room and board. The amount is not as important as the fact that she pay you regularly. Her payment should be determined not only by how much she is earning but also by what she will need to spend. In addition, your daughter should begin to think about the things that are important to her for which she will need money in the future, and start to save for them.
Career Planning
There are several things you can do to help your daughter move toward an appropriate career choice. Arrange for her to speak with people you know who do different kinds of work. They can tell her what the job is like and what preparation it requires. Have her attend a job fair, where she can meet representatives of different companies. Encourage her to meet with admissions officers at community colleges or technical schools. Some information about these can be obtained on the Internet.
And finally, if she still has not found something that interests her, invest in aptitude testing and career counseling. This is done by professionals who specialize in helping people like your daughter. Good luck!
A. Since I had both a sister and a daughter who did this, I do know what you are facing. Adolescents engage in all sorts of behavior in an attempt to show that they are their own person and not just a member of a family. Although shutting herself in her room may be annoying, it is one of the less destructive things she can do to demonstrate her own separate identity.
One of the phrases I remember from the time my children were growing up is "choose your battles". That is, you need to decide what is most important to you as far as your child's behavior is concerned. What can you, and can't you, tolerate? When you think about your daughter becoming a happy and successful adult, what are the things you feel you need to insist on to make this happen? As a mother I was quite "laid back" about a lot of things, and my daughter's isolating herself in her room was one of them.
But I expected complete compliance with rules which had to do with her safety. I expected her to be at home at an agreed time, and to always let me know where she was. If she went from one place to another I expected her to call and let me know. Today's parents are faced with more complex situations. The need to be clear about what you expect of your daughter, to communicate it clearly, and then to follow through, is as important as it ever was.
Your daughter's not wanting to join your family when you go out is another way to express herself and to let you know that she now wants to make her own decisions. Since the influence of her peers is very strong, she probably prefers to spend any spare time she has with them. You might want to invite her specifically to an event where you know others look forward to seeing her. (For example, where young cousins, who want to be just like her when they grow up, will be present). Stress the fact that her presence will make a difference for everyone.
The hopeful thing about all of the above is that one day, as suddenly as it began, this behavior will come to an end. Your daughter will open her door, come out of her room, and rejoin her family. If you are lucky she will straighten up her room first. Be ready to welcome her back!
A. I'm not sure what you mean about your daughter being immature. Your letter sounds as though she is dealing with more than the typical adolescent issues.
Let's see if we can sort this out. I suggest that you contact your daughter's school and request a conference that includes you, your husband, your daughter, her math teacher, the school counselor and the school social worker. It is important that your daughter and your husband hear you voice your concerns to the school personnel. Request that the counselor or social worker act as a mediator. This will permit all involved to speak openly about the problems that are presented. Ask the school personnel to help you get started with family counseling to help resolve many of your family problems including your daughter's lying and your marital struggles. If they can't make a recommendation, ask your family physician.
It is very important that parents agree on the family discipline rules and consequences. She will continue to do as she pleases as long as you and your husband disagree on her discipline. When parents disagree, the children will use this to get what they want.
It is also very important to make the discipline fit the undesired behavior. Example: When your daughter does not keep up with her school work, take away privileges such as the use of the telephone, television and social activities. Explain to her that these privileges will be returned when her grades improve. Do not let her "freaking-out" cause you to give in. Give her permission to "freak-out" in her room. Would you rather see her "freaking-out" in your home or being jailed for disobeying the stronger rules of society?
Materialistic things can also be monitored by providing only the essentials; i.e. food, shelter and clothing. Any special or non-essential items must be earned by exhibiting proper behavior; such as, telling the truth, keeping up with her school assignments, obeying household rules and helping with household chores. Learning to obey rules and do-your-best are lessons that your daughter will value throughout her life.
A. An alien has not taken over your daughter, but adolescence has. This is a difficult time for a young person for many reasons. Their bodies and hormones are changing, and their moods shift with it all. She wants her independence, but at times still feels like a little girl. As parents, it is hard to remember exactly what that felt like for us.
I think it is particularly hard for a young girl today to deal with the changes in her body because we live in such a body-conscious world. Our young people today also face many challenges and expectations from their peers, too. Our young people go from an elementary setting, which has been safe, to a Middle School setting in which they no longer know who their friends and enemies are. This can create many fears and anxieties. Your daughter may be wondering, "How will I deal with this?", "Will I have a friend I can count on?", "Will I fit in?"
Here are some suggestions I hope will work for you and your daughter:
* Recognize all that she is going through and love her anyway. Let her know as often as possible that you love her. She needs to hear it and see it in action.
* Ask her what she is feeling or what her fears are. Be prepared to just listen. Don't try to tell her what it was like for you.
* Don't accept disrespectful behavior. It's important to allow her an opportunity to express her feelings. She can be cranky, sad, emotional, but she must try to be respectful when she speaks.
* Pay attention to her friends. I always took the time to get to know my daughters' friends. It keeps you better informed and shows her you care about what is going on in her life.
* Do set appropriate limits and boundaries, but keep them a bit realistic.
* Always invite her to family outings, but don't count on her looking forward to going. Try to plan things that she likes to do. Have your daughter assist with the planning so that you know what she will look forward to.
* Give her space to just be herself.
* Make sure you treat everyone in the family with respect. Children learn by watching their parents and other adults. Mutual respect is the goal!
A. High school graduation is an exciting time for the whole family. It's a celebration of accomplishment and growing maturity. It's also a time of anxiety as young adults and their parents struggle with increasing independence. "Senior Week" vacation is one of those tests we have with our children, probably not your first and definitely not your last. It may seem like a stumbling block, but can really be an opportunity to develop your lifetime adult relationship with your son. Use it to further open your lines of communication and establish trust. After all, in just a few months, your son will probably be going to college. You will have even less direct control of his behavior and he will need someone he trusts to talk over both academic and social challenges he faces. So set the stage with an honest discussion of your concerns and expectations for his behavior.
Some young people tend to think they are invincible and are tempted to experiment with drinking, drugs and sex. Have an honest, non-threatening conversation giving your son details of the effects of using and abusing drugs and alcohol. Tell him how harmful it can be to mix them or "mickey" someone's drink. Stress the importance of keeping an eye on any beverage he may drink at all times to prevent anyone from putting any substance in it. Make sure he is aware of the dangers of sexual experimentation. Information can go a long way toward preventing a serious problem and furthering the trust between you and your son.
Hopefully you know his friends pretty well and you can discuss with him your opinions and any concerns you might have about the effects of group dynamics on their normally good judgment. Kids hate being talked to about "peer pressure", but it is a reality that we all have done things at a party or in a group situation that we might not have ordinarily done on our own. Share with him an example from your own life to get the point across.
If you are confident with your son's maturity and feel good about where and who he will be staying with, send him off with your blessings. Make sure he knows he can call you at any time with any problem and that you love and trust him.
A. The scenario you describe is a common one in many of today's households. Teens, at this age, often request more freedom. Caring parents establish rules and curfews in advance that they expect will be followed. In this case, it sounds as if your son is usually compliant but slipped up. We all make mistakes and sometimes it's beyond our control. But how can we convince an angry and upset teen to give us a rational explanation of why he was late and also be sensitive to the emotional needs of his family?
First, we need to understand that teens are often self-involved. They are concerned about the immediate issue and not how their behavior affects others. This is normal behavior. It is difficult to empower teens to always make the right choices that satisfy everyone.
Your reaction to your son arriving home late was motivated by stress. Even though it may have felt right at the moment, screaming rarely gets results. Many a parent has learned that, "All you get from screaming is a sore throat."
Another approach is needed. Try speaking in a normal tone of voice. Tell your son that you are glad to see him home safely. Let him know that his anger concerns you. Suggest that you talk first thing in the morning when you have both calmed down.
Be careful to make yourself available early enough that he doesn't bolt out the door before you can speak with him. Prepare your talk before you begin, taking care to list the points you wish to make. Assure him that you were glad he arrived home safely and that you and the other family members were worried that something bad might have happened in the absence of any phone call from him.
Another thing to impress upon your son is that you are always available to assist him if there is a problem, real or perceived. I have had to pick up my own son when he called for an impromptu late night ride. In these circumstances, I try not to probe into the reasons, although he often volunteers the information. I was satisfied that he acted responsibly in calling me as soon as he realized that transportation would be a problem.
Be attentive to the reasons for his lateness, but let him know that you disagree with the way that he handled the situation. You could tell him that a simple phone call would have reassured you and prevented a lot of stress on both sides. Growing up requires being responsible, not just to you, but to others.
A. It seems that the lines of communication are open between you and your daughter. That's a good beginning. Communication is very important right now, but teenagers want and should have respect for their privacy. Listening is a very important part of communication. It is important that you pay attention to the way you listen to what she is saying. Really hear her. Repeat what you heard her say. Have her repeat what you have said so that you both know that you have heard each other. Proceed with your conversation when you know that you are both talking about the same thing.
Help her to practice what to say if a boy friend asks her to have sex with him. Some sample lines are:
* "I don't want to have sex now."
* "If you love me you will respect my wishes."
* "I am not ready for the responsibilities that go with sex." and
* "I plan to wait until I know who I am going to marry before I have sex with anyone."
She needs to know that desirable boys will respect her if she decides to reject their advances, and that those who poke fun at her for not conceding are not worthy of her time.
Now is the time to continue or develop extracurricular activities. Has your daughter shown any interest in a hobby or do you have a hobby or activity you can share with her? Perhaps there is a community center near your home that offers after school activities, or where she could become a mentor for a younger child.
What about having her male and non pregnant female friends come to your house? When they are in your home you know where they are and what they are doing.
This brings me to self-esteem. Children who have a good feeling about themselves are usually able to resist temptations that may come their way. Self-esteem begins in early childhood when a child shows curiosity and is encouraged to explore safely without having their confidence destroyed. Help her to maintain or develop her self-confidence by recognizing the things that she does well. Praise her accomplishments. Say things like "I really appreciate the way you put away your clean clothes without being asked." ...or "did your home work"...or "fixed your lunch"...whatever you recognize. Work hard at finding things to praise at least once a day. Work hard at using positive criticism. Do not overuse praise or criticism.
I hope also that you have explained that the best birth control is abstinence. The transition from childhood to teenager is a difficult one. I hope that you and your daughter will bridge this important part of both of your lives smoothly.
A. It sounds like you are having a very frustrating experience with your son, and more than likely, he doesn't like himself as much as you don't like him right now.
Having raised teens myself, I can really empathize. Lets look at a couple of things here: What kind of a child was he when he was younger? Was he moody or generally upbeat? What has been the pattern of how your family deals with anger? How do you and your spouse communicate with each other? Are you always respectful to one another? When the children were small did they learn to participate cooperatively with chores around the house?
Ask yourself these questions to see if this problem cropped up all of a sudden, or was it showing up years earlier and you ignored it or hoped it might change.
Being a teen today is much more difficult than when I was growing up. Young people are bombarded by messages from the media, and have to cope with peer pressure. Our culture has become a very material and image conscious society which really affects our young people. Some teens also don't see a lot of hope on the horizon...with Aids, environmental problems, homelessness and poor adult role models, just to name a few societal ills.
Communication is important. Keep the lines open. Ask him open-ended questions such as "You seem upset....do you want to talk about it?" Or, "tell me about your day". When you don't get the answers you want, don't take it personally or criticize him. Try to stay as centered and calm as possible. He looks at your behavior to know how to act and respond to situations.
Try to schedule family meals together as much as possible. Use this as an opportunity to talk about pleasant things. If he gives you a hard time about sitting down together, ask your son to agree to attend one meal a week.
How you and the adults in the family handle anger is important. You are your children's first teachers; they learn from you how to problem-solve, how to respond to situations and how to deal with life in general. It is OK to be angry. It is OK to let your kids know you are angry. When you feel angry, take a time-out and calm down, then come back and talk about what you are angry about. Your son needs to see that anger is normal, and that it can be controlled.
Depression can be a result of a lot of anger. Talk to your son's counselor at school, or ask your doctor to recommend a family therapist for your son if you feel he is very angry. Family therapy can also help a great deal in getting to the root of a young person's depression. There is no need to feel embarrassed by it.
Respect and dignity are the two main backbones of a healthy family. Do you show each other respect? Do you compliment your child? Do you affirm his feelings? We get respect when we give it. Does your son face consequences when boundaries are crossed, such as chores not being done or rules being broken? Setting up, following through and being consistent with a consequence is critical to raising children.
Some recommended reading material: "Positive Discipline for Teenagers" by Jane Nelson and Lynn Lott; and "Parents, Teens and Boundaries" by Jane Bluestein.
It is never easy to be a parent. What helped me a great deal was attending parenting workshops whenever they were offered in the area. Seeking mentors and support for me and my children saved my sanity. Good Luck!
A. Eventually we all have to face the harsh reality that our children will be driving. Teenagers, by their nature, vary greatly in their abilities. The same children that we often ban from using simple household appliances, such as the washing machine, will someday be navigating the family car through our highways and streets during rush hour traffic (Gasp!).
Statistics reinforce why you may be hesitant to allow your son to drive at a young age. They show that sixteen-year-olds are often careless, drive at high rates of speed and cause a larger number of accidents than their older counterparts.
Fortunately, the Pennsylvania. Department of Motor Vehicles also realizes this and has made some changes in licensing. You can view those changes by setting your browser to the DMV's website: http://www.dmv.state.pa.us. Click on the "Young Driver Program" button to view the complete changes. This information can also be obtained by calling 800-932-4600, PennDOT's customer call center. You can get some valuable tips on teaching your teen to drive.
Another factor that you mentioned is cost. Driving requires auto insurance, which can be costly. Most insurance companies offer discounted premiums to teens that take driving instruction. Typically, 30 hours of classroom theory and six hours on-the-road instruction are required. Some companies also offer additional discounts to students who show proof of a grade point average of B or better. By sharing in the cost of insurance and linking good grades to saving money a teenager can learn a lot more than just driving skills.
Regardless of the law, remember that you are the parent and have the final say as to when and if your teen-age son will drive. This experience can provide you with the opportunity to enhance your son's maturity, and, perhaps make things easier for you. Driving requires a greater degree of personal responsibility than previously experienced by your son. Teaching him the responsibility of being a motor vehicle operator can be reflected in his everyday life. Praise him when he does something correctly, and use his mistakes as a learning tool. You, as a parent, need to be a role model to your son. While you are driving with him, discuss what you are doing, what to watch out for and how to handle various situations on the road. Passing on your experience will give him the knowledge to handle precarious situations before they arise.
Remember, an important part of parenting is teaching your children to someday be independent. Parents become apprehensive every time their child passes into a new developmental phase. A teen reaching driving age is a great leap for any parent. Eventually, he will gain enough experience as a driver that you can transfer some of your driving responsibilities to your son. He can pick up groceries, run short errands, or taxi siblings to activities, saving you valuable time and make him a more responsible member of the family.
A. Yes, unfortunately it is more normal than I would like to see. Our daughters are deluged on a daily basis with images of beautiful models who are very thin and look so perfect. Our society seems to honor beauty above all other assets. It is painful for a parent to watch a daughter go from being self-confident, assertive and ready to play, to someone who obsesses about weight, clothes and make-up.
With the quest for perfection comes unhappiness. You can do a few things to bring your daughter back to reality.
* Let her know she is valued and loved for who she is, not how she looks. She may not seem like she wants to hear it, but say it anyway. Be sincere.
* Listen to your daughter when she complains by saying something like "It must be frustrating for you when things don't turn out the way you hoped. Life is very imperfect."
* Try to have discussions, being careful not to lecture, about the issue of beauty and its role in our world. Ask her how she feels when she reads teen magazines. What message is she getting from the advertisements and photos?
* Take a look at your family life in general. Do you give compliments out to each other? Do you tend to obsess about your looks and how others view you? Do you plan nutritious meals together?
* Take her to a local homeless shelter to help out those less fortunate than herself. When a family takes the time to help others, their own problems may seem less important.
Make sure you stay connected with your children and keep communication open at all times. Teen years are particularly difficult, and parenting becomes a bigger challenge than ever. Let your daughter know you are there for her. Your emotional support and your physical presence can make the difference in your daughter's ability to be resilient.
A. Today's malls are so enticing with their movie theaters and arcades and letting go is such a difficult task for parents. If only there was an instruction manual as to when and where to do the right thing. The way in which your question is stated tells me that you have been an observant parent thus far. You see the "responsible" traits in your daughter and you have been watching her friends. That is the first step in deciding whether or not you feel she is ready for a solo trip to the mall.
Be cautious. You may have been watching her and her friends at home or in school where the environment is controlled. The mall is a large public area where she may come across situations that she is not capable of handling. You should have a talk with your daughter beforehand about the things that she needs to be aware of. Discuss topics such as not talking to or being persuaded by strangers. Carrying money safely and establishing a central meeting place if she separates from her friends are also possibilities for discussion.
Explain to your daughter that in most cases the mall management frowns upon groups of kids just "hanging" around.
Make sure that she and her friends have a purpose for being at the mall. For example, buying a gift for someone or having a snack at the food court would offer some direction and leave less time for just "hanging out." Another idea may be for you to go along with her the first few times. You might run your own errands and meet up with her at designated times.
Whatever you decide, try to keep the line of communication open. Whether she encounters a serious problem or she just wants to tell you about a cute outfit she saw, let her know that you will listen.
A. Your attempt to have your family eat meals together is a valid one. It is very important for families to have some communal time together and that time is often mealtime. Realistically, busy schedules and time restraints make it difficult to commit to a nightly ritual. However, with some serious planning and effort on everyone's part, family meals should take priority and be scheduled accordingly. Perhaps a weekend breakfast would work better for your family.
Once the mealtime is agreed upon, it is important to establish rules for discussion, such as, No interruptions, one speaker at a time, and no external distractions. Family meals can be a time for families to share a common experience while teaching the art of conversation. Ask your children about school, or if they have had any interesting experiences lately. Discuss current events or share something from your workday with them. You might also want to discuss what your family life was like when you were their age.
The table can also be a place to teach social skills that children need to learn. Setting a proper place setting, the correct use of utensils, and cleaning up afterward are tasks not reserved for the parent alone. If everyone shares in the effort then everyone appreciates the outcome.
It's no wonder most of life's milestones are celebrated over a meal. Dinnertime should become a major link between parents and children, occurring more frequently than holiday meals. The dinner table can become a major focal point in the family serving as a communications hub between family members. Celebrate the family every time you come together to share a meal. You and your children will greatly benefit from the experience.