Anger is ALWAYS a secondary emotion. No matter who you are or what you're angry about - anger is always the secondary emotion, preceded by the fear I described above and some other emotion. This other emotion could be: sadness, disappointment, shame, embarrassment, concern, and fear. It is important to note that the fear of losing something I have or not getting something I want ALWAYS comes before anger. A lot of times when people first come to the program they recognize that they're angry, but don't see the fear before the anger but I guarantee you there is always fear before the anger. This is what happens as I'm interacting with someone: first I get frightened; then I get angry; finally, I retaliate. These are three consecutive steps, although it feels like they are all happening at once.
The program is going to help you with the first two steps: fear and anger. The Program will teach you how, when you're angry, to take a time out and look for what you're fearful of. When I look for what I am fearful of, I can address my fear and alleviate it. Then I would not need to get or stay angry. If I am not addressing my fear, my emotional pain needs an outlet and it shows as anger.
What some of us do as a way of trying to work through conflict, is respect the needs of the other person, but we won't respect or ask for what we want and need. When I am respecting the needs of the other person and not respecting my own needs, we call that being passive. When the other person keeps getting what they want, while I don't get what I want, I resent that and I do something to turn the tables around. Now I'm getting what I want, but I don't care how it impacts the other person. Then I use verbal, emotional or physical abuse to get what I want. We use verbal, emotional or physical abuse to get what we want from the other person.
Other peopleıs way to resolve conflict is by respecting their needs but not respecting the needs of the other person. They think/may think: ³I'm going to get what I want; I don't care if I have to knock you down or step on your toes.² When a person respects their needs, while they don't respect the needs of the other, we call that being aggressive.
In the program, with the tools I am going to show you, you will learn how to be assertive when resolving conflicts. When I'm assertive, I'm respecting my needs, and I'm respecting the needs of the other person. So that after I've resolved that conflict, I'm going to be able to look them in the eye, and know that I'm treating them fairly. I am also going to be able to look myself in the mirror, and know that I'm treating myself fairly. Now my self-esteem is going to be higher, because I am able to resolve conflicts in a way that I am treating myself with respect and I'm treating the other person with respect. When I'm doing what I have to do to respect myself and the other person I won't have to take those self- esteem divesı.
Emotional wounds have some similarities to physical wounds (for example, cuts), in other ways physical and emotional wounds are dissimilar. Emotional wounds are not that obvious: I can't say, "you know, you have an abandonment wound on your shoulder, boy that thing is deep." You can't look at me and see my emotional wounds. We can't look in the mirror and see our emotional wounds the way we can see our physical wounds.
We find out about our emotional wounds, as we're interacting with another person: something is said or done and all of a sudden we feel emotional pain. Emotional pain causes a specific emotional wound (we can have more than one). If I don't heal that emotional wound and go on, when something else is said or done, I will have more emotional pain. Repeated emotional pain that is unhealed turns me into an emotional cripple. I become unable to talk about the person who I think hurt me, without getting angry; I am unable to be in the same situation without being upset; I am not able to go to that place without feeling sad. I am no longer able to have full range of motion, so to speak, with respect to whom I talk about, what situation I am in, or the places that I go. The program helps you learn how to identify and heal those emotional wounds. Then I can talk about that person without getting angry; I can be in that place without getting sad; I can be in that situation without feeling upset. And as I am able to be in various places and situations and be able to talk about them without feeling emotional pain, then I know that I've healed my emotional wounds. But if I am still feeling upset or emotional pain, it's just my being telling me that I'm still wounded.
We need to do the same thing with our emotional wounds: to get in there and clean them out. Otherwise, we keep bumping into them and bumping into them, which cause us emotional pain that we blame others for. For example, I am with a person and get an emotional wound but I do not heal it. Then I leave that person and go on to embrace a new relationship. When the new person bumps into my old wound, I'm ready to blame my new relationship for that pain. In fact the cause for my pain is the old emotional wound that I have not healed. Had I healed that emotional wound from before, when bumped into, it wouldn't hurt. One again, the program is going to show you how to identify your emotional wounds, and the tools you can use in order to heal those emotional wounds.
If I am behaving this way, then I am going through life reacting to everything around me, instead of responding. A reaction is an automatic, preprogrammed way of dealing with something. ³You hit me - I hit you² is a reaction. There is no thinking involved in a reaction. Quite the opposite, when I respond, I am able to see all of my choices, and then I pick the one that best suits my needs. These choices may be as many as, hitting back, calling the police, taking a time out, ending the relationship, insisting on counseling for me and my partner in order for the relationship to continue and so on.
Responding means to review my choices and pick the best one. Responding requires thinking. In reacting there is no thinking. The Program will help you see where you're responding and where you're reacting; where you're giving your power away to someone else, and how to take that power back. By saying, ³that person is being a jerk, so that's why I 'm being a jerk,² I am giving my power away to the other; I am allowing that other person to determine who I am going to be, a jerk, in this example. This is how I let the other person control me. The program helps you learn how to take your power back. Then you will get to decide who you want to be, what you want to do.
By the same token, if I'm able to give love to myself, then when that other person is saying or doing something verbally, emotionally or physically abusive, I'm going to be able to put up a boundary. When I am putting up a boundary, I am not putting up with any form of abuse. Then my response might be: ³I don't deserve to be treated this way. I'm not going to allow this abuse to continue. Let's talk about this tomorrow." Again, when I'm able to give that love to myself, I won't feel like I have to allow that other person to be abusive to me, in hope that later, I'll be able to get the love I want from them.
We need to learn to do the same thing with our fears, our disappointments, and our hurts. Denying and resisting our fears is like fighting or resisting a wave. Working through fears emotionally is like diving under an oncoming wave. Then our fears, disappointments and hurts would not have anywhere near the impact on us as when we are fighting or resisting them with our anger, or numbing out, distracting ourselves, or using addictions.
| SAFE serves Bucks County and near-by areas
e-mail inquires or questions.to safe@thepeacecenter.org | ||||
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| John Anthony Bochnowicz Director, S.A.F.E. |
102 West Maple Avenue Langhorne, Pennsylvania 19047-2820 |
Phone 215-750-0323 Fax 215-750-9237 | ||
| A Program of The Peace Center | ||||
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